Where wild minds come to rest
It's been a challenging ride for me and as an outcome, I was just shocked. I've been practicing MDD for years and I actually believed that my daydreams would materialize some day. Of course, I was very young when it got started, roughly around age 12. I realized that I could fantasize, but didn't know terms such as mental illness or maladaptive daydreaming. So, I thought it was Ok to go do this. Well, apparently, it wasn't Ok after all. As everybody easily noticed that my mind was preoccupied or distracted. They were able to hear my "chatting" to invisible characters and see the strange laughing smiles on my face. It got ever more spiteful if they found out I wasn't listening to their words, or if I was not able to verbally express myself aloud. MDD changed how I appeared on the outside. It made me look and sound very dull, unexciting and intolerable to be around. All others could see is that I was serious, unfriendly, and awfully quiet. So, I lost so many opportunities to go dating and bond with good friends.
When I got older, I noticed that my life wasn't getting positive and better. I struggled to interact properly with people, so as a result, they kept on bringing up that I simply wasn't interactive and that I couldn't do anything for them, so they'd want to be friends with me. I noticed that I was oddly having difficulties making eye contact, smiling, remembering my manners and chatting up a storm. So I went to see a specialist to diagnose me, and found out that all that time, I had autism spectrum disorder.
I realized that I started maladaptive daydreaming because I didn't understand what was wrong with me, and why I had such a hard time fitting in. I never knew that I had autism, and neither did my parents.
So, learning about this, you'd think I was relieved. Well, I was actually devastated, after finding out the news. I spent my whole life wanting nothing more than to form relationships with people, I guess because it was missing in my life for so many years. Now I realized that I lost out because I happened to have this neurological disorder that threw people off, making them believe that I was an abhorred person that didn't like them. MDD was really a tool to help my escape the heartbreak of my situation.
Whenever I got out of my shell, and entered the public scene. I honestly couldn't go anywhere without a stranger randomly going up to me and tell me to put a big smile on my face. Could you imagine the embarrassment I must have felt at the time. I realize that people can clearly see my autism by how I can't display appropriate emotions in public. They can also see how I feel about being autistic on the scene; the thought just makes me so uncomfortable. I feared not being treated better when I went out, so I often did my own things at home.
As for relationships, I noticed how little I connected with other guys, or anyone. People often would notice that I'm very solo, so they'd feel sorry for me. They'd even gossip about in their conversations, and when they tell me what they think, I just feel as if "they're preaching to the choir." They quickly assume that I have no social life and I'm not in a relationship. You can just imagine how much that burns. So, in a way, I feel like this infamous celebrity that makes people react when they encounter me.
Every morning I wake up wondering why my life feels so empty and deprived of friends, a partner and children. Why my career life isn't working for me. Why I don't drive. Why I still haven't traveled out there to see new things. I suddenly see DUE to two things, I guess; autism and daydreaming combined together has made it difficult for me to live better.
To tell you the truth, I stopped practicing MDD as I used to. Just to explain, it only made things worse for my life, instead of making everything materialize. It was up to me, in my wakeful mind, to take action in making my goals come to life. I'm only 32 years old, and hopefully now that I'm realizing this, I can turn things around positively and reach the goals I still haven't made.