Where wild minds come to rest
And I am writing again. I am 11 days into not daydreaming. Actually, I am daydreaming a little, but certainly not something I can consider maladaptive. I am not pacing around with music and themes, and mostly I manage to snap out of daydreaming fairly quickly.
I am feeling fairly proud of myself for this. But I can't deny the fact that it is turning me flipping mad. Mostly the silence. I am having on and off sleeping difficulties. I actually skipped last night's sleep. When I am a daydreamer I don't need many people to talk to or to keep myself occupied. I don't need activities or things to do. I don't have to be productive or effective or for that matter do anything. So throughout my life, I have never felt the need for people so much.
But now things are different. Everything is so quiet, the silence is annoying and the need to do something is exhausting. I spent my day doing a bit of work, bit of random procrastination, a bit of learning stuff I would like to do. But I am unable to keep myself occupied. Rather I don't think I have enough energy or attention to learn or work. This puts me in an odd position because it's Saturday and I would like to feel that I am enjoying myself. I am having difficulty finding someone to hang out or talk with so that is also not an option for killing time.
I have a feeling it is not going to get any better anytime soon. Maybe in time, my brain will be more energetic and I would be able to work a lot more. If not that maybe I would be able to learn interesting stuff I want to learn for longer periods of time. I am convincing myself that maybe it's important for me to go through this period of madness and feel every moment of this silence and irritation that I am feeling. Most certainly, unless I feel the gap, I will not be able to fill it.
But all rationality aside, it is very very uncomfortable.
Day 14 has been my highest number of days of me maintaining control over daydreaming ever. In this run I am touching day 14 today. The strangest things happened, it actually started taking over and I didn't realise that my daydreaming had started creeping in. For a while I was just thinking, but didn't even notice when thoughts thoughts, plans turned to daydreaming. Today I spent the whole day doing this sort of thought dreaming. Although I don't find this to be wholely unproductive, I did come up with ideas, but there was a part of daydreaming that made me realise that its just the river knocking at my door. I am up from my bed, where I spent the whole day today, and I am trying to regain control. Sure it is not gonna be a perfect score, but I am trying to tell myself that all I need to do is go on. I had to get this off my chest, and thought of starting a new forum. But then I realised I am just going to be spamming others, instead I will post it all in this thread itself. I am not under the illusion that I am gonna transform into something phenomenal in the days to come, but I am still trying to go on no matter what.