Just another new person

[breanna mendoza]

Hi everybody. My name is breanna. im 20 years old and i live in the southwest. my daydreaming obsession started when I was very, very young. I suffer from PTSD (i had a really abusive father when I was young and had to witness terrible things) the way to cope with it all was daydreaming. I'd pace around in circles for hours, daydreaming about anything and everything. I'd even catch myself doing it in class and get embarrassed. As I got older, I started to internalize it because I was embarrassed of pacing around in front of people. I would try to discreetly stand in a corner of my bedroom and just simply stand there and think. I remember asking friends/family how they think/daydream wondering if they did how I did too. Always feeling like there was just something different about me. Standing started to become awkward and I simply grew out if it, what I did instead was just not act out my daydreams but obsess and think about them all of the time. Anything can set off a fantasy. I can get up out of my bed and pretend someone is watching me. I can brush my teeth and pretend im in a commercial for toothpaste. I can look at a flower and pretend that I am a highly respected and noted gardener. Almost anything I say I will feel has another meaning behind it because I want to pretend that people think im much cooler/smarter than I really am. I think about everything that I am not. This is really affected and hurt my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. I do everything I possibly can to avoid any actual true feelings/thoughts of my own. It is very, very hard to stop. But at the same time I want nothing more than to do just that, simply stop. Experience life, be in the moment. Just real living. But everything is so much greater in my mind that I am truly afraid to give it all up. I know I can, I am going to therapy. I really am on the brink of success, its just a matter of letting it go and not being afraid. So there is  my story. I tried to make it brief for you guys! I hope I can make some friends on this website. I know you can relate. Thanks again :)

[Nicole]

Hey Breanna, my names Nicole, I'm 21 ;)

 

I've been daydreaming since a young age due to bullying, I too often catch myself slipping into one during class but I can snap myself out of it just by realizing that I'm starting to drift. However, I don't want to seek help for my daydreaming, I like it. Sometimes I can pase around my room for hours on end daydreaming that I have friends and that I am popular (as a result of the bullying). I also tend to have a lot of sexual daydreams as well that I eventually started writing down in the form of stories.

[Casey]

Hi Breanna!

 

Not that I am even close to stopping daydreaming, I truly believe that while I want to daydream it is because I need the protection in my head. I am protecting myself from feelings and thoughts I don't want to have. I believe for myself that I have to deal with those issues first before I can even consider MD an issue/stopping. Therapy helps--but remember, MD is something to sort of be grateful for--it has protected us all these years. I know it protected me ;) 

 

Welcome!!

[Nicole]

Couldn't have said it better <3

Casey said:

Hi Breanna!

 

Not that I am even close to stopping daydreaming, I truly believe that while I want to daydream it is because I need the protection in my head. I am protecting myself from feelings and thoughts I don't want to have. I believe for myself that I have to deal with those issues first before I can even consider MD an issue/stopping. Therapy helps--but remember, MD is something to sort of be grateful for--it has protected us all these years. I know it protected me ;) 

 

Welcome!!

[breanna mendoza]

Thanks for all your replies. I can see most of you are saying that you are not ready to stop, and if you guys can live like that then thats wonderful and I hope that works out for you. But it is driving me crazier more and more each day. I can't focus on anything. I got such a thrill and utter enjoyment out of it as a child and a teenager, but this past two years have been a nightmare for me, primarily because of the relationship that I was in. I just want to live for the first time in my life and get to know who I truly am and have been waiting to be. I hope you can understand.

[Casey]

Oh Breanna! I hope you didn't take what we have been saying as a "You shouldn't stop, as well!" piece. Becuase that is far from the truth! I'd really like to know my life without it, as well. And I can absolutely relate to what you have said about feeling crazy with it, too. I just know I'm not at a place where I can stop, because I'm still dealing with underlying issues.

 

I think everyone here is really supportive of everyone else's decisions with MD, and believe me, I hope that I'm not doing this for the rest of my life--but that's my personal look on it all.

 

It's up to the individual--just know we understand the MD and support your choices <3

[SleepyJeanne]

Hi Breanna

Thank you for sharing your story. I just found this website, too, and I am so thankful.

I identify with a lot of what you said, like pretending to be everything I'm not. I thought I just had really low self esteem, but that's really not the case.

Anyway, thanks again!

Jeanne