is there something wrong with me?

[Ashe]

hmm, where to start. well, hello, I suppose. i just found this place last night and was really kind of excited to see so many people here talking about this disorder, which is something i've had for literally as long as i can remember (i'm 25 now), and has always been something that's concerned me. I remember when i was a child and young teen, I knew that my daydreaming was abnormal (primarily my inability to just not do it, especially when i would be trying to fall asleep, it seemed literally uncontrollable), and i had this fear that i was gonna end up in an insane asylum because of it someday. I found 0ut about a year ago that it actually has a name and a lot of people do it, so that made me feel a bit better, but I still have questions that bother me about it all.

so here's a bit about myself, i'll try and keep it short. i daydream usually when im falling asleep and waking up, and on days when i dont have to be anywhere, i tend to stay in bed for at least 2 hours after i've waken up just in my day dreamy lala land. during the day, it's really rare that it ever becomes a distraction. it can be on my mind (and a lot of times it is, usually if i'm really tired), but i can forget about it the second i need to and focus on what i need to focus on. i can count probably with one hand the number of times in my life where i've been so absorbed in it that it's become noticeably distracting and keeps me from concentrating on work or something, or where I actually feel like, and choose to, daydream instead of doing something else. usually i have to be extremely tired to get to that point, and it's been a really long time since i've felt like that.

I don't pace or do any repetitive motions while i do it, and it's pretty rare that my facial expression changes because of what im daydreaming about or i mouth a word or something like that, but i have caught myself doing that a few times. no one has ever seemed to notice though. music, like for so many other people, is one of my biggest triggers.

the things that make me concerned, and make me feel like i may be abnormal in terms of comparing myself to, for example, the people in this forum, are things like this-

i realized a long time ago that my daydreams are a coping mechanism, and i project my current emotions into them almost always. i have my stories and worlds and characters and scenes and all of that, some of which is just your normal happy adventurous scenarios (im a nerd and daydream about fantasy, medieval dragon type stuff), but a lot of times, i'll project a negative emotion onto it that im feeling at the time, and then it ends up turning into something that honestly kind of scares me.

to put it as simply, it goes something like this - i'm feeling sad in real life, so my main character in my daydreams (the one that i view to be sort of myself), goes into an unbelievably sad, hopeless situation (one that can, at times when i'm extremely absorbed in the daydream, bring me to tears when im alone), and then she's rescued fantastically by a knight in shining armor or somesuch (dont judge).

what scares me when i think about it afterwards are the "hopeless" scenes, because they're violent, torture type stuff. my fantasies have often times turned violent for as long as i can remember, even when i was a child. the violence doesn't make me feel better, but the "rescue" scenes aren't the same emotionally for me unless ive established some really dramatic context for them. and oddly, i've never experienced any sort of trauma in my life or anything. sometimes i wonder if im depressed, but i dont really think i am.

is there anyone that can relate? :S sorry for this long ass post, but this is a question i've been holding onto for a good 15 years. i tried to tell my sister once when i was younger and she kind of just gave me an accepting, sisterly "oh, okay." and quite clearly didn't understand at all

[LydiaWylder]

Welcome! Your not alone. I too was very excited at finding this website. Its so relieving.