Where wild minds come to rest
They really are.It's the only time I feel alive. I guess because of my natural state of anxiety-depression, the euphoria I experience I thought may be linked to mania.
I think it just might be. It could explain why in social situations, I'm depressed to a point, I"m ready to jump in front of a train and when I'm at home and DDed a little, I'm all of a sudden in the best mood ever? I wonder why? All my bad memories, insecurities, flaws, lackings seem to pass through my head during social situations. It's like there's a demon telling me, look what they have, and what you don't. Look how happy they are and look how unhappy you are. Look how they didn't go through half of the things you did, look how happy they are and how normal their lives are. "Look Sara, she actually has a mom and a dad, siblings, friends, perhaps a boyfriend, stories to tell her friends. She can actually have fun and open up to other people, she's not a loser like you. She'll actually have a proper future. Nothing will ever change for you. You never had a not so pretty childhood, and hell no will you have a pretty adulthood. Might as well save everyone the trouble and not exist at all" And then memory lane time, I go think about almost everything I ever went through. I'm the quietest one in a party, and I literally imagine myself getting hit by a bus. Come home, cry a little, DD a little, and all of a sudden, my good mood is back. If that's not a form of mania, I don't know what is. I feel completely insane.