Introducing Myself + My Worsening MDs

[Mala Fami]

Hello!! I am a 22-year-old girl from (around) Chicago, IL, USA. Not gonna use my real name so you can use whatever variation of "Mala Fami" you'd like. I think about a year ago is when I first googled something along the lines of "excessive daydreaming" and I saw the beginnings of MD studies and I saw this site. But I left it alone. I was just curious. I didn't have a problem.

Now though... I dunno, I've been to the psych ward 4 times since I was 17. For insomnia, suicidal ideation, thoughts of self harm, and one time I took all my Ativan at once. I have depression and anxiety. The last time I was in the ward was last year, the summer, 21 years old. I think they mentioned a bit about bipolar. But I can't remember and I don't want to ask. See I had big, stupid delusions from not sleeping for ~5 days. Went manic. Screaming my head off outside my mom's office building. Thought it would wake me up from this dimension? Or something? A nice police officer lady, the inside of an ambulance, calm, people smiling, me screaming some more (gotta get back to my dimension after all!!), the people sigh and I'm held down and I'm injected with something to knock me the heck out. In the ward for two weeks. Was a time traveller, in fact!! Delusional fact. Did a lot of crazy shit I can't remember and some I, unfortunately, can. Patients and staff mocked me for it. Probably deserved it. Like I said, cannot remember. So I've been living with the intense shame of all those memories and non-memories for over a year now. 

And in the past several weeks, months, or maybe longer I've been daydreaming nonstop. Sometimes I lay down and my heart beats very very fast. Anxiety coming back. I go to therapy like I've been doing for about 6 years. Nice lady there. Maybe not helping. Maybe I lie to her (yes, yes I lie to her and everything is SO GREAT). Took a test in my Japanese class 2 weeks ago. Was 2nd to last to finish due to the MDs. Usually I'm 1st to finish so this is worrisome. I'm honestly excellent at learning languages, but this is the 2nd Japanese class and it is way harder. Yesterday I didn't go to my 1 PM class so I could sleep (and daydream) more. Stupid.

In my MDs I have this huge extension family (all based off TV characters). So I've taken to calling them my Maladaptive Family, hence the username Mala Fami. Lately I've considered cutting them out of my life, but I know I can't. I love them too much. I make them suffer intensely. Rape and molestation, depression, anxiety and agoraphobia, self harm, suicide attempts, you name it they've been through it. But they keep going. They find happiness and overcome with the ones they love. They've suffered far worse than I have and they're gonna be okay. I think that's a big point to it. I'm likely very lonely still and definitely not okay.

The situations and relationships in my MDs have always evolved and changed, but it's more rapid now. Probably because I'm daydreaming away at least 60% of my day and I get bored with the same old same old. The teens of my Maladaptive Family are in a famous band now!! Lots of Grammys!! And you'd better believe I've made playlists AKA their albums. Listen to them all the time. Music videos and deep song meanings in my head. I feel as if all this will one day destroy me, or at the very least keep my life as stagnant as its been. Watched all my friends who I don't even talk to anymore graduate college this year. I was a straight A student 'til I was 17. Getting back to that. Dropped out of college and I'm at community college again. Sister is 15 months older than me, a horrible snob who has hated me since we were little (why is anyone's guess). Of course she has her masters and I don't even have my associates yet, and of course when she got that masters degree she made it a point to say, "Wow I really lapped her." I have a certain C-word in mind for her. 

I have no job (fired after 3 weeks at a minimum wage job a few days before I went manic) and I live with my mom. She's getting a bit pissy at times and I'm constantly murmuring that same C-word under my breath about her. Not that she deserves it. Usually she's happy, thinks I'm happy. I'm just getting... angry.

Well, that's it for now. Wrote too much, but I made myself do this over crawling back into my dad and daydreaming some more. Gonna try to do chores, study, and a job application now. Thanks for reading. I hope y'all are doing well and it'll be nice to meet you.

[Mala Fami]

Thing about my sister is she's not so overachieving. It's me who's been overachieving up 'til recently. But yeah, she acts very normal. So much so that an old therapist tossed out the term "normalcy complex" after meeting her. How boring!!

For sure the Mala Family brings a lot of comfort. Could do with a bit less pain and procrastination though.

Anway I've never really considered 50 so old. Now 88, I think that's like prime sweetspot dying age for me. You got a good ~33 years of youth left. Thanks for the reply.