Introducing myself and my story

[lizzy dagger]

I'm really glad to have stumbled on this site today. Last night I realized its been 8 years since I've been daydreaming everyday. I'm 20 and want to learn how to get rid of it.

I've never talked to anyone about this because it makes me feel psychotic! It's not normal to have your own world inside of your head. I literally have imaginary friends that I created. I don't talk to them aloud because I know they are not real, but its comforting to be able to sort things out to an imaginary person. 

So it all started when I was 12 and had the hugest crush on Cone from Sum 41. I also loved the entire band for their funny videos and awesome music. They seemed so down to earth, it was almost like they were friends to their fans. I was in a deep depression and it seemed that their music and videos were a source of relief. I don't remember how this started, but I know that I really wanted a boyfriend and for some reason never had one. One day I fantasized about having Cone as a boyfriend, but instead of Cone- it was his younger brother. Basically all of Sum 41 have younger brothers in this world. These guys became my friends as weird as that sounds. 

Eight years later, I still have these people in this fantasy world. There is no longer the pretend boyfriend aspect. But they are still "friends". I sort stuff out in my mind by thinking about what kind of conversations I would have with them. I even know the parents! (better than mine, except my mother.) The guys also think I'm the coolest and most beautiful girl ever.  I know this came from having a low self-esteem from when I was younger.  It's really stupid because I know that I'm genuinely in love with my current boyfriend. I wouldn't trade him for anything. We have an absolutely incredible connection. And it feels awful knowing that I have this secret, like he should know he's dating somebody that literally lives in an alternate reality.

This is definitely a coping mechanism. I'm much more outgoing and badass in this fantasy world. The parents are an interesting aspect in the dream world since I don't have a good relationship with my father (don't talk to him) or my step-father who treats me like absolute crap. He's just an awful person in general. My mother died of cancer a year and a half ago. She was my best friend in the entire world. I would ditch my friends to spend time with her; my friends would even ditch me for her! That's how amazing she was. She was very sick for a long time, even when I was 12, so that caused anxiety.

When I was younger, this happened because I was depressed and had a low self-esteem. I'm getting on the right track to having a better self-esteem but it is really hard. I'm not quite sure why I have such a low self-esteem. I know there are great things about me and that I am beautiful. Sometimes though- I feel quite the opposite. I guess its a girl thing.

Basically to sum it up, I feel that my self-esteem will not get better until I am able to quit living in this fantasy world. If I am so insecure that I take refuge in a pretend reality, I am putting some of me in this world that could be used in the real world.

Sorry for the rant, I just have never told anyone this secret for eight years. It feels really good to know that I'm not alone.