I NEVER Knew what was wrong with me... Now I Do!

[James]

Hey guys! I'm new here. I feel so lucky to have found a group of people with the same symptoms that I have had as far back as I can remember. I guess this is my testimony. I am a very open person, so I am not afraid to tell the whole story. I grew up with my mom and my brother. My brother is 10 years older than me (By the way, I am 24 now). They were always fighting and yelling at each other. My family has a history this. I was always trying to cling to my mom being frightened, but she was often too intoxicated to re-assure me. This fighting went on for the rest of my life, until my brother went to prison. My mother was still an alcoholic and used to beat me with random house hold objects like telephone cords, and wire hangers and anything else that was around her during a drunken outburst. Even before I was 3 this was happening. It continued until I was old enough to defend myself. At about age 2 I can remember to this day taking toys or random household objects, didn't matter what it was really; disposable razor, action figures, pens, etc. and I would just hold it and daydream for hours at a time about all kinds of things. Usually my daydreams were me, and I was the character that I would make up. I would zone out, sometimes staring at nothing, sometimes shaking my hands with the object, or twiddling my fingers by my face. Wherever I was, it was usually in a fantasy that I wanted to be in. I was also molested twice, both were family members, and both times were when I was 7 years old.  I have always been aware of the reality around me, but at the same time I have always been aware of the fiction in my head which I seem to enjoy more. I can freely choose to go in and out of these fantasy/daydreams when and where I want to, but I tend to drift still at times toward an idea, thus spawning a great fantasy in my mind. It then becomes addictive. If I have a really great idea or fantasy in my head, I will find an appropriate object to hold (like I said, the object can be ANYTHING) and I will indulge myself in my fictional story from beginning to end, or until I get a headache from focusing too hard. I still do this, still shake my hands now and then too. I always do this in private because it is embarrassing. Usually in the bathroom, or in my bedroom. I do this with music as well. With my headphones on I will imagine I am the person singing in my head, and I will create an entire world of what my life is like, or could be like, in my head. This addiction and disorder has caused many problems in my life. One being when I was in elementary school, I had no idea it was weird or strange so I would do it all the time while sucking my thumb or twirling my hair. No matter what the teacher was talking about or what I was suppose to be doing I would always go into my own head whenever I wanted. I missed out on a lot of important things in school I'm sure. I was never any good at math...not sure if my maladaptive daydreaming had anything to do with it, but perhaps. One time my aunt caught me daydreaming with a toy lion in my hand and asked "What are you doing?" I said "pretending", she then said "Stop that, that looks weird!" That was the last time I ever did this in public around others. Nothing has changed though, I am 24 going on 25 and I still look for my opportunity's to create and play out my fantasies in my head. I actually have a 3 inch figure of Chewbacca from Star Wars, and disposable razors in my bathroom drawer that are specifically for this purpose. Perhaps I'm crazy!? Is this disorder natural, or is it really from trauma? I am still looking for answers, but I'm glad I found some friends. Thanks for spending time reading this! ~ James

[roxy]

 I am so excited about this group. I've tried unsuccessfully for years to diagnose my problem the closest thing  I could think of is add. But the sympthoms never quite fit what I was experiencing.  I do suffer from depression as well but with or without the depression I continue to daydream. I cant pin point exactly when it started but I've been doing it since I was really young and would look foward to time alone so I can do this, and because I'm an only child alone time was frequent. However the older I get the worse it gets, it gets in the way of me functioning. I love these fantasies they mostly revolve around me being a superstar, athlete, or wealthy. Sometime I have elaborate sotries about people and places I create. I can have several sotries I'm working on. I do this to music. I close the door put on my headphones and go for hours and hours until I'm exhausted. I did suffer from childhood trauma. I was molested  my mom and I abruptly left haiti I was nine. so maybe trauma makes it worse I don't know but I'm just so happy that I'm not alone.