I make faces when I daydream

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes at the dinner table, my mom serves food, but she notices that my eyes close or I smile for no apparent reason, and she throws a curt remark. My mind is not quite there, for a split second, so I make faces. Usually I grin, because the story is sassy or intriguing. But, I don't know I'm doing it, only everyone else can see what goes on with my face. So, the person will be like, "You were staring at me and laughing." I wouldn't have any idea what they're talking about...because the moment was for five seconds. 

My family isn't the first, I've had formative school peers that saw my face, and immediately wonder what's so funny, and most of them didn't want to be my friend, because it looks so very strange. Most people in the norm are usually interactive, exuberant and outspoken, so they find me really weird. They don't understand why I sit there all quietly, and seemingly act like I'm somewhere else. But then, they laugh at me for appearing like a "loner" and wonder if I have friends, or even a man. 

I think that I made everyone a little too uncomfortable. My bad. 

[Amanda]

I'm so happy to hear about your new project. I hope it goes really well. Life is so difficult, you have nothing to be ashamed of, Jessica. I relate to a lot of what you're saying. I have become good at grieving because so many things I hoped for early in life have not come to be for me. But I have found and am finding beautiful things and a beautiful life I never knew how to hope for early in life. I hope underneath all the heartache and disappointment, you discover peace and beauty growing. Sending you love. 

Jessica Ballantyne said:

I scarcely have friends, well I don't socialize and it's coronavirus, which smells. I do have a best friend since sophomore year, but we don't talk and hang out much. She's busy working and doing stuff. So I have to make new friends now. 

I'm not the dreamer I used to be. I'm nervous that I'm out of work and trying to convince dad I can support myself someday. It's a very long story. I can't believe we're still doing this in my 30's. What a joke. Of course, I never got together with a man, but it's harder for us autistics and aspy's. Sad fact in life. 

I'm still working towards finding my ideal job, and it's sort of working. I have a magazine publishing project coming up. For me, that's a chance of a lifetime. I've done so much mediocre crap before this. Sometimes it takes years of patience and experience to finally reach your goal. 

My dreams taught me to not give up on my ambitions. When you want things that much, they will eventually happen, it does take years of patience and fall on your face. I got humiliated and put to shame so many times. But it's all worth it in the end. 

I heard of celebrities who started out broke or homeless, working in jobs they don't like and look where they are now. 

Amanda said:

Oh, you know I'm autistic. I think a lot of people with asperger's or autism are also avid daydreamers. For a while a lot of my friends would call me "space cadet" because they could tell I was always floating off or because I would miss a lot of a conversation. Some of them were being judgy, and I'm not friends with those people anymore. But some of them meant it in an affectionate way, but it's hard to tell the difference sometimes. My friends now, and I really only have two, but I'm making more now because I joined a little group of ADHD/Autistic people that meets once a week. It's only for 6 weeks, but I think I will be in touch with them for longer. I think they will become friends. I hope so! Anyway, I imagine it must be really painful and tiring to have to police yourself so much all the time. I've had to do that more in the past and it takes a lot of energy. We all deserve to be able to be our full and real self without fear of being shamed or criticized. If we hung out, I would mind at all if you spaced out or talked to people I couldn't see. <3

Jessica Ballantyne said:

I can't get away with daydreaming where I come from. I can't say if I show it or my disorder makes it look very evident. I hear of you people being able to conceal MD. Trouble is that I can't. I think people pick it up when I don't listen and watch. I happen to grab people's attention that I'm socially awkward. Whereas people who are social make it noticeable. So there is no way I'd be caught dead doing MD that much. I am a very quiet and introverted person, so it causes a big stir amongst people I'm with. That way, it attracts more attention, so whenever my eyes stare off...shut, flicker, whatever, it will get caught! Even when I look wide awake and aware of my environment, I might forget something, or it will slip, so another person will be like "Your somewhere else! or "Pay attention sweetie." It got so embarrassing that I had to stop. I realized I'm not those kind of people who can disguise MD. Even after I did quite MD, my family still retorts "another planet." 

I do have Asperger Syndrome, so does that mean MD just makes it double the trouble? I'm still haunted by all the problems I faced from when I was a child. I think people were seeing things, and I was off on the moon, so I found it hard to detect that someone was judging me, and passing it on. Kids will be kids. But I've seen adults do it too. It makes me wonder when life goes back to normal, will I get smacked in the face with these future events? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Gosh, thank you. 

[Amanda]

<3

Jessica Ballantyne said:

Gosh, thank you. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's a long story, but I grew up getting the wrong ideas about everything. Like I lived in my very own world. Everybody was down to earth and grew with the facts in life. Whereas I looked at life in a more inflated way. I held a belief system that might've sounded like utter nonsense to a worldy-wise and experienced person. And I didn't know it all along! Until maybe now. It feels like a face slap and it debunks my childhood. It's not really my fault that I was born Atypical and my views of this world differed in comparison to the "norm", which is only fair. Still it breaks my head how many people will think I'm idiot for bringing up my unveiled and imaginary train of thinking. Even my mom still brings up she feels I live on another planet. It's hard to say when you were born a unique human with a powerful gift that tells you assuring things, which turn out to be contrary to real life, especially when you think you can befriend and get closer to someone who turns out to disdain you. It's true, the imagination is no match for science of the natural and social world. And reality is not easy.

I was young and stupid—well unexposed—and spent too much time living in my head. The only way you grow and learn is to makes lots of friends and join countless groups in an interactive environment—and not daydream. But I had trouble getting "interaction" to work, as I did have Asperger syndrome. I was special, intelligent and talented, but shy and quiet, whereas the rest of them were average joe's who knew how to talk and get together with others. Many of them didn't have the faintest idea what was wrong with me, and they thought I was a loser with no friends, who laughed at inappropriate moments, so I got ambushed all through grade school. I never saw any of my formative peers ever them again, and I'm not kidding. 

I've learned a tough lesson about my past and got over my losses and failures. I've gotten around the sharp rocks, I'm turning into a new life cycle with a new story. Hopefully I'll meet future friends who are better for me. 

[Daniel C Cunningham]

I hate it when I get busted for tripping out like that. A big percentage of my DD's are violent."Revenge fantasies" as some call it. And in recent years -since I am 73 y.o.  - or my body is, though inside I am 23 - I am doing a lot of resenting the past and less dreaming about what I want to do when I grow up. So my face gets contorted with anger and rage and I don't laugh so much at the funny things I did not say at the time.

I have found that I don't DD when I am doing something interesting, or dangerous that compels my attention,listening to someone talk who has something to say worth saying,or movie or book that is engrossing. 

But when my mind is in idle or I am stressed or triggered I am lost in fantasy. It is my default mode.

I hope for you younger people a cure is found so you won't waste so much of your life out there.

[Amanda]

I have faith you will. <3

Jessica Ballantyne said:

It's a long story, but I grew up getting the wrong ideas about everything. Like I lived in my very own world. Everybody was down to earth and grew with the facts in life. Whereas I looked at life in a more inflated way. I held a belief system that might've sounded like utter nonsense to a worldy-wise and experienced person. And I didn't know it all along! Until maybe now. It feels like a face slap and it debunks my childhood. It's not really my fault that I was born Atypical and my views of this world differed in comparison to the "norm", which is only fair. Still it breaks my head how many people will think I'm idiot for bringing up my unveiled and imaginary train of thinking. Even my mom still brings up she feels I live on another planet. It's hard to say when you were born a unique human with a powerful gift that tells you assuring things, which turn out to be contrary to real life, especially when you think you can befriend and get closer to someone who turns out to disdain you. It's true, the imagination is no match for science of the natural and social world. And reality is not easy.

I was young and stupid—well unexposed—and spent too much time living in my head. The only way you grow and learn is to makes lots of friends and join countless groups in an interactive environment—and not daydream. But I had trouble getting "interaction" to work, as I did have Asperger syndrome. I was special, intelligent and talented, but shy and quiet, whereas the rest of them were average joe's who knew how to talk and get together with others. Many of them didn't have the faintest idea what was wrong with me, and they thought I was a loser with no friends, who laughed at inappropriate moments, so I got ambushed all through grade school. I never saw any of my formative peers ever them again, and I'm not kidding. 

I've learned a tough lesson about my past and got over my losses and failures. I've gotten around the sharp rocks, I'm turning into a new life cycle with a new story. Hopefully I'll meet future friends who are better for me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm 34 yo and on the inside I'm just a kid. I still struggle to handle real world responsibilities. A big percentage of my daydreams was a combination of mystery, suspense, Rom and adventure, probably classic sci fi too (such as alien). Like you, I didn't ever grow up. In fact, because of my MD I'm still a dependent person. 

I used to especially do MD when I got bored, frustrated, stressed out, anything. Now I can't do it at all! I have an important freelance job. So I'm always paying attention to things, even in general. My family is firm around the kitchen, and I always have to listen. My head starts to hurt. And it obliterates my daydream life. 

Daniel C Cunningham said:

I hate it when I get busted for tripping out like that. A big percentage of my DD's are violent."Revenge fantasies" as some call it. And in recent years -since I am 73 y.o.  - or my body is, though inside I am 23 - I am doing a lot of resenting the past and less dreaming about what I want to do when I grow up. So my face gets contorted with anger and rage and I don't laugh so much at the funny things I did not say at the time.

I have found that I don't DD when I am doing something interesting, or dangerous that compels my attention,listening to someone talk who has something to say worth saying,or movie or book that is engrossing. 

But when my mind is in idle or I am stressed or triggered I am lost in fantasy. It is my default mode.

I hope for you younger people a cure is found so you won't waste so much of your life out there.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound really embarrassing. My parents just gave me strong answer to my years of troubles in being a social misfit. This morning I woke up earlier than usual, and my mom who always rises early was trying to be quiet, as it's Saturday and everybody wants to sleep in after a week of working. Thinking only of myself, I blew my nose loud and just about stomped down the stairs for breakfast. And then I screeched a kitchen stool. My mom typically gets so critical on me, especially in the morning, and she can be quite hard. Bluntly speaking, she told me sometimes she thinks I live in another dimension and don't ever think about whose around me. She then asked me if anybody is my last auto job made comments at me on a personal level. She was talking about manners. She then listed all the times I leave food and muck on the table for somebody else to clean up and how I plunge past someone without waiting for them to step aside. I'm sure she mentioned more things...but at this point I was very stunned. She was literally dissing my face off about why I don't have a social life and a better life. I felt smacked in the face. I understand that I have a little problem with daydreaming, but it's been that way since I was born. Still, the harshness of this reality check, and why I rarely have anyone stings the conscience. Then she said, "Yeah, I'm your mother, I love you, but if you shared an apartment with someone, and I acted this lazy and unthinking, they would've moved out or kicked me out. 

I was going to do some christmas shopping at the mall today, and when I did so, I wasn't feeling very well, because she just ruined my day. I felt like a freak. 

Has anybody ever had a relative, friend or somebody who told YOU the truth. But you didn't want to believe it. And you had so much faith in your alternative worlds, though you know deep down, what they're saying makes more sense? Then your like, "No!" Because you used to think MD was going to ensure better things. Now it's proved your beliefs are crap. 

[Amanda]

Jessica, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I want to say - It's not THE truth. Truth is subjective. Frankly, the way your mother talked to you is a little emotionally abusive in my opinion. It's okay for people to express needs to you, like, "Jessica, when you finish eating, I would appreciate it if you paid more attention to cleaning up afterward." But to say, "You always leave things for other people. No one would tolerate living with you acting like this." Is cruel and not true. I am someone who has had many roommates over the years and have often been inattentive to common spaces in ways that bothered my roommates. Some people were aggressive and condescending about it, but others were respectful and understanding, and those people are still my friends 10 years later. You deserve respect and love exactly as you are and there are people in the world who would be happy to share space with you, daydreams and all. 

Jessica Ballantyne said:

This is going to sound really embarrassing. My parents just gave me strong answer to my years of troubles in being a social misfit. This morning I woke up earlier than usual, and my mom who always rises early was trying to be quiet, as it's Saturday and everybody wants to sleep in after a week of working. Thinking only of myself, I blew my nose loud and just about stomped down the stairs for breakfast. And then I screeched a kitchen stool. My mom typically gets so critical on me, especially in the morning, and she can be quite hard. Bluntly speaking, she told me sometimes she thinks I live in another dimension and don't ever think about whose around me. She then asked me if anybody is my last auto job made comments at me on a personal level. She was talking about manners. She then listed all the times I leave food and muck on the table for somebody else to clean up and how I plunge past someone without waiting for them to step aside. I'm sure she mentioned more things...but at this point I was very stunned. She was literally dissing my face off about why I don't have a social life and a better life. I felt smacked in the face. I understand that I have a little problem with daydreaming, but it's been that way since I was born. Still, the harshness of this reality check, and why I rarely have anyone stings the conscience. Then she said, "Yeah, I'm your mother, I love you, but if you shared an apartment with someone, and I acted this lazy and unthinking, they would've moved out or kicked me out. 

I was going to do some christmas shopping at the mall today, and when I did so, I wasn't feeling very well, because she just ruined my day. I felt like a freak. 

Has anybody ever had a relative, friend or somebody who told YOU the truth. But you didn't want to believe it. And you had so much faith in your alternative worlds, though you know deep down, what they're saying makes more sense? Then your like, "No!" Because you used to think MD was going to ensure better things. Now it's proved your beliefs are crap. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel that I daydreamed just to wake up years later and take look back at what I did...

We all want things. But people who actually get what they want, they usually work hard for it. 

I could've had it much better if I stayed awake and alive in life. That's the sad part. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I was 12, I was dumb and unexperienced to life. You think people catching your daydreaming is embarrassing? Try living with your parents until your mid-thirties and still not saving enough to ship out. Most of my peers are independent, married and partnered. It makes me feel so bad, and I blame it on my daydreams. I applied to like a million jobs this years. It's absolutely horrible. I never pictured I'd be in my situation. If I had payed attention, lived on earth and worked like a dog, I would've been fine. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, I still catch myself talking to imaginary people who aren't there, because I have no real friends to this day.