I carry an audience with me everywhere I go.

[Em]

Hi,

 

This will be a long posting, but I feel like I need to share this with someone who is not myself. I talk to myself about it all the time.

 

This is my first time posting on Wild Minds. I just found out about the condition Maladaptive Daydreaming two days ago and I was so happy to come across the information. It has been an active force in my life as long as I can remember. Before, I always enjoyed my daydreams because they gave me a way to act out real life scenarios, come up with ideas, and sort things out in my head. But recently, for the past two years, it has become more of a nuisance than anything else.

 

Two years ago, when I was 20, I was in a very stressful relationship and had been since I was 16. My boyfriend was in and out of jail and I was always having to come up with ways to help him get representation and support him through his trials and tribulations. I also always had to worry about his choices getting me in legal trouble. This constantly stressed me out but not enough for me to leave the relationship. I was very loyal to him... too loyal. I wouldn't even allow myself to find another guy attractive. So, whenever I would start to fancy a guy, I would block the thought out of my head and convince myself that I never thought the thought. Kind of like Orwellian "doublethink."

 

But one summer, two years ago, he was in jail for an extended period of time (about a month). At the time, I was taking summer classes at my college. I was in a beginning painting course which is my preferred medium (I'm an artist).  So, naturally, I was very excited and very eager to show off to my professor because I already had lots of experience in painting. And he seemed to be impressed.

 

A few weeks into the semester, I had come into the studio early and my professor gave me a quick critique of my work. He had said something in the midst of the critique that I misconstrued as flirting. At first, my reaction (in my head), was "How creepy. Yuck! He's in his forties!" Then I asked myself (in my head) "Is it creepy?" Then I thought to myself "Would it even be anatomically possible for me to have sex with someone of that age and profession?" lol.

 

But I allowed myself to think too long on the subject. I was instantly infatuated with him. And it shut me even further into my head. I know now that I had just wound myself too tight and I was just looking for an outlet to channel all my repressed emotions.

 

But I was infatuated with my professor. Everything I would do, I would think, "I wonder what he would think about this?" But at this point it wasn't that bad.

 

But my boyfriend got out of jail and moved in with me (we had been long distance since I went to college when I was 18.) I was still infatuated with my professor and I felt guilty about it but all I could do was ignore it because I loved my boyfriend.

 

Things went terrible between my boyfriend and I. He stole all my money, he confessed to me that he had been addicted to meth for the past 2 months (which was a shock to me), and whenever we would argue he would hold the fact that he was an addict over my head and tell me that if I didn't shut up that he was "... going to get high on something!" Things kept getting worse and worse and worse until everything that I thought I had lay in pieces at my feet.

 

Meanwhile, in my head, I was only okay because of my infatuation with my professor. But the infatuation was growing and growing. Eventually, it became a full on obsession. This made me feel extremely guilty. There was almost no time during the day that I was not thinking about him. I even had a hard time not talking to myself in public which had never been a problem for me before.

 

A month or so later, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. He threatened to kill me that night and led me around with a broken beer bottle to my neck. It was very very scary. Luckily for me, he got picked up on warrants the next day and spent 2 months in jail. Afterward,  he moved back to my home town where he had lived before.

 

This was good that he was no longer a force in my life and he hasn't been since. But now, I was alone. My mother and I weren't talking and my dad just never called. I didn't stay in touch with friends in high school. So, I only had one real friend who let me stay at her place while I got back on my feet because my now ex-boyfriend and I had just been evicted because he had spent all the rent money that I had save on meth.

 

But I was alone. So, this shut me further and further in my mind. So, I became more and more obsessed with my professor. Sometimes I would come late to his classes just because I would lose track of time thinking about him. He was my imaginary friend and I obviously preferred my imagined version of him to the real thing.

 

But life went on, and in the next few months I met someone new and I'm still with him now. And he's a really great guy too... and he's not a jail bird at all. For the first few months of our relationship I was not obsessed with my professor. My new boyfriend temporarily filled the spot for "fantasy man" in my head.

 

Even though my obsession came back after my boyfriend could not be a fantasy for me any longer, (I just knew him too well) I did start living more in reality. This was my first step toward the light.

 

Then about 10 months later, I found out that he and I were going to be parents. I was ecstatic. This was a huge leap toward the light. My fantasies were still strong but manageable.

 

My daughter was born just over 3 months ago and she brings such joy to my life.

 

But my obsessions and fantasies are still there looming in the background. If I zone out, (which I frequently do) I start sparking up conversations with my professor. My obsession at this point (and since I started dating my current boyfriend) has no romantic tone to it. It's now a platonic obsession.

 

My obsession now has to do with talking to my professor (and sometimes other people) about my obsessions and how I'm trying to work through them. I imagine what their responses and reactions will be and I try on different scenarios.

 

These conversations get me nowhere. They just tire me out. I want to live more in reality but I'm so addicting to thinking this way. Sometimes I try to think my way out of thinking this way but that's like trying to reach the end of an infinite hallway.

 

I don't need to obsess and daydream constantly. I don't need my professor to be my imaginary friend. I have a great life. I have a wonderful family. I have lots of great friends I can reconnect with. And I'm about to embark on a new career as a teacher. My life is $!@%ing AWESOME!!!!!!!

 

Now, I would just like to live it.

 

 

[J Noland]

Wow. Well done getting yourself out of that unhelathy relationship. And welcome to the md community. You may be able to train yourself not to dd with some mental focus but it is a hard habit to break. It's just there before you know you're thinking about it. I've been doing it since childhood and I'm not sure if you did too. You seemed to describe the md as definitely starting that day you met your professor. Maybe he represents a part of you that you want to develop, him being and artist and educator. I can plainly see why you needed an escape at that time in your life. Maybe by just having a place to talk about it will help you regain some control over it. Congratulations on your new family too! A lot of the other members around her (myself included) have the conversations with characters throughout the day. I constantly catch myself doing it. It has actually helped me come up with something to say in real conversations so it's kind of helpful. If you have a chance to attend out Norwegian dinner tomorrow please stop in and say hello to us! No Norwegian food is needed, it's just a bunch of us getting together with a fun excuse. It's only the 2nd such event so feel free to just come on into the chat room and say "Hey!" Look in the "Events" area for times...Jen

[Em]

Hello Jen. Thank you for replying. I have always had an excessive amount of daydreams ever since I can remember. But they only really became a burden two years ago when I met my professor. I think that my daydreams became more intense and pestilent because of the negative stimuli in my life essentially chasing me further into my head. Life was hellish then and I didn't feel comfortable anywhere but inside of my head. And perhaps my professor represented an idealized (male) version of myself because he's a painter and an educator.

 

But I did notice big improvements in my level of real time thinking every time that I got rid of negative things in my life and introduced positive things in my life. So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm still obsessing and still so far shut in my head. I've been thinking that it's because there is some issue that I have that has gone unresolved... but an issue that I have no clue what it is.

 

But I think that coming to this site has put things in perspective for me a little. It's helped me see the daydreaming as an addiction. So, lets say, hypothetically, instead of using daydreams to cope with my problems 2 years ago I would have used some drug. The addiction to that drug would not have gone away even when my real problems went away. The addiction would still be there. And I think that's why I'm still so prone to daydreaming. My mind is addicted to working that way. I don't necessarily still have real time problems.

 

Knowing this will give me a little more ammo to fight it, instead of trying to resolve imaginary issues.

 

But it is just so difficult to keep under control. I was trying to keep myself in the present moment earlier and about every 30 seconds or so I would realize that I was fantasizing again. Then when I would realize I was fantasizing I would talk to myself about my ideas for living more in the present moment. lol.

 

But I think I can eventually get it under control. But I want to be really sharp when I have to be. Vigilance has never been a virtue of mine because I get so focused on ideas in my mind. I want to be present minded.

 

But I can focus well on specific tasks that I can get lost in. I like painting because I can get lost in it. I also take test and study well because it's specific and I can focus on it. My problem is focusing on reality when I don't have anything specific to focus on.

 

But the Norwegian dinner sounds like fun. Maybe I'll get on when the baby takes a nap. :)

[sasi]

Hi Em,
      Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. It really touched me. I agree with you that your dd have become such a habit now that they are hard to break. I have been thinking about this a bit. I wonder whether Cognitive Behavioral Therapy  would help at all? I know that it is very helpful in breaking thought patterns for people with anxiety and depression. I might look into it a bit more. There are some good CBT books available. If you are interested let me know and I can send you details. In the meantime keep fighting the fight and enjoying your lovely family. See you at the Norweigen dinner tonight if you get a chance to join us. 

Em said:

Hello Jen. Thank you for replying. I have always had an excessive amount of daydreams ever since I can remember. But they only really became a burden two years ago when I met my professor. I think that my daydreams became more intense and pestilent because of the negative stimuli in my life essentially chasing me further into my head. Life was hellish then and I didn't feel comfortable anywhere but inside of my head. And perhaps my professor represented an idealized (male) version of myself because he's a painter and an educator.

 

But I did notice big improvements in my level of real time thinking every time that I got rid of negative things in my life and introduced positive things in my life. So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm still obsessing and still so far shut in my head. I've been thinking that it's because there is some issue that I have that has gone unresolved... but an issue that I have no clue what it is.

 

But I think that coming to this site has put things in perspective for me a little. It's helped me see the daydreaming as an addiction. So, lets say, hypothetically, instead of using daydreams to cope with my problems 2 years ago I would have used some drug. The addiction to that drug would not have gone away even when my real problems went away. The addiction would still be there. And I think that's why I'm still so prone to daydreaming. My mind is addicted to working that way. I don't necessarily still have real time problems.

 

Knowing this will give me a little more ammo to fight it, instead of trying to resolve imaginary issues.

 

But it is just so difficult to keep under control. I was trying to keep myself in the present moment earlier and about every 30 seconds or so I would realize that I was fantasizing again. Then when I would realize I was fantasizing I would talk to myself about my ideas for living more in the present moment. lol.

 

But I think I can eventually get it under control. But I want to be really sharp when I have to be. Vigilance has never been a virtue of mine because I get so focused on ideas in my mind. I want to be present minded.

 

But I can focus well on specific tasks that I can get lost in. I like painting because I can get lost in it. I also take test and study well because it's specific and I can focus on it. My problem is focusing on reality when I don't have anything specific to focus on.

 

But the Norwegian dinner sounds like fun. Maybe I'll get on when the baby takes a nap. :)

[Em]

Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy what Pavlov was researching with the bell and the dog? If so, I think that could be something interesting to look into in relation to MD. Maybe if there is a trigger (like he bell in Pavlov's study) that brings on daydreaming, maybe there could be a trigger for real time thinking. I know that I'm far less likely to daydream when I'm in a public place or focused on something real.

sasi said:

Hi Em,
      Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. It really touched me. I agree with you that your dd have become such a habit now that they are hard to break. I have been thinking about this a bit. I wonder whether Cognitive Behavioral Therapy  would help at all? I know that it is very helpful in breaking thought patterns for people with anxiety and depression. I might look into it a bit more. There are some good CBT books available. If you are interested let me know and I can send you details. In the meantime keep fighting the fight and enjoying your lovely family. See you at the Norweigen dinner tonight if you get a chance to join us. 

Em said:

Hello Jen. Thank you for replying. I have always had an excessive amount of daydreams ever since I can remember. But they only really became a burden two years ago when I met my professor. I think that my daydreams became more intense and pestilent because of the negative stimuli in my life essentially chasing me further into my head. Life was hellish then and I didn't feel comfortable anywhere but inside of my head. And perhaps my professor represented an idealized (male) version of myself because he's a painter and an educator.

 

But I did notice big improvements in my level of real time thinking every time that I got rid of negative things in my life and introduced positive things in my life. So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm still obsessing and still so far shut in my head. I've been thinking that it's because there is some issue that I have that has gone unresolved... but an issue that I have no clue what it is.

 

But I think that coming to this site has put things in perspective for me a little. It's helped me see the daydreaming as an addiction. So, lets say, hypothetically, instead of using daydreams to cope with my problems 2 years ago I would have used some drug. The addiction to that drug would not have gone away even when my real problems went away. The addiction would still be there. And I think that's why I'm still so prone to daydreaming. My mind is addicted to working that way. I don't necessarily still have real time problems.

 

Knowing this will give me a little more ammo to fight it, instead of trying to resolve imaginary issues.

 

But it is just so difficult to keep under control. I was trying to keep myself in the present moment earlier and about every 30 seconds or so I would realize that I was fantasizing again. Then when I would realize I was fantasizing I would talk to myself about my ideas for living more in the present moment. lol.

 

But I think I can eventually get it under control. But I want to be really sharp when I have to be. Vigilance has never been a virtue of mine because I get so focused on ideas in my mind. I want to be present minded.

 

But I can focus well on specific tasks that I can get lost in. I like painting because I can get lost in it. I also take test and study well because it's specific and I can focus on it. My problem is focusing on reality when I don't have anything specific to focus on.

 

But the Norwegian dinner sounds like fun. Maybe I'll get on when the baby takes a nap. :)

[sasi]

It's similar. It looks at the habitual patterns of thought and reaction we make to certain situations and teaches you how to have a different reaction

Em said:

Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy what Pavlov was researching with the bell and the dog? If so, I think that could be something interesting to look into in relation to MD. Maybe if there is a trigger (like he bell in Pavlov's study) that brings on daydreaming, maybe there could be a trigger for real time thinking. I know that I'm far less likely to daydream when I'm in a public place or focused on something real.

sasi said:

Hi Em,
      Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. It really touched me. I agree with you that your dd have become such a habit now that they are hard to break. I have been thinking about this a bit. I wonder whether Cognitive Behavioral Therapy  would help at all? I know that it is very helpful in breaking thought patterns for people with anxiety and depression. I might look into it a bit more. There are some good CBT books available. If you are interested let me know and I can send you details. In the meantime keep fighting the fight and enjoying your lovely family. See you at the Norweigen dinner tonight if you get a chance to join us. 

Em said:

Hello Jen. Thank you for replying. I have always had an excessive amount of daydreams ever since I can remember. But they only really became a burden two years ago when I met my professor. I think that my daydreams became more intense and pestilent because of the negative stimuli in my life essentially chasing me further into my head. Life was hellish then and I didn't feel comfortable anywhere but inside of my head. And perhaps my professor represented an idealized (male) version of myself because he's a painter and an educator.

 

But I did notice big improvements in my level of real time thinking every time that I got rid of negative things in my life and introduced positive things in my life. So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm still obsessing and still so far shut in my head. I've been thinking that it's because there is some issue that I have that has gone unresolved... but an issue that I have no clue what it is.

 

But I think that coming to this site has put things in perspective for me a little. It's helped me see the daydreaming as an addiction. So, lets say, hypothetically, instead of using daydreams to cope with my problems 2 years ago I would have used some drug. The addiction to that drug would not have gone away even when my real problems went away. The addiction would still be there. And I think that's why I'm still so prone to daydreaming. My mind is addicted to working that way. I don't necessarily still have real time problems.

 

Knowing this will give me a little more ammo to fight it, instead of trying to resolve imaginary issues.

 

But it is just so difficult to keep under control. I was trying to keep myself in the present moment earlier and about every 30 seconds or so I would realize that I was fantasizing again. Then when I would realize I was fantasizing I would talk to myself about my ideas for living more in the present moment. lol.

 

But I think I can eventually get it under control. But I want to be really sharp when I have to be. Vigilance has never been a virtue of mine because I get so focused on ideas in my mind. I want to be present minded.

 

But I can focus well on specific tasks that I can get lost in. I like painting because I can get lost in it. I also take test and study well because it's specific and I can focus on it. My problem is focusing on reality when I don't have anything specific to focus on.

 

But the Norwegian dinner sounds like fun. Maybe I'll get on when the baby takes a nap. :)