How I live with MD

[Andrea Leonel]

I decided to share my story because seeing you all doing it helped me a lot. Knowing that you've got a mental issue (even MD being a minor one) isn't great but it's conforting to know that other people go through the same thing and you're a not an alien or something. Also, I live in a small town so I don't even bother seeking help here, I know that they'll never know what I've got. So, I'm just gonna tell how I deal with it, the things I do to controll it, things like that

It started when I was around 9. I was just so into this world of boybands and music in general that I liked to imagine myself in it. I'm not really sure if it was just boredom. Never had many problems socialising either, I always had few close friends. At this time, I had absolutely no control over it. I just assumed everyone did the same thing. I couldn't control my facial expressions, I would constantly be questioned like "what are you laughing at?".

As I was becoming a teenager I started to think that I was just imagining things I wished for me. During my 14-16 years-old I suffered a lot because of the daydreaming. But not because I was addicted, I actually had no idea. But because my dreams weren't coming true. It was a tough period, but at least I could control it a bit more. I never had grade problems at school. The daydreaming actually helped me a little, I learned English thanks to it. So, at the age of 15 or 16, as I was realising how frustated my imagination made me feel, I decided to cut it back. I couldn't, of course, and I got really scared. I think it was then that I realised I was addicted.

In the years that followed, I just thought it was part of some condition I probably had, like a symptom. I've always been kind of a weirdo, saying nonsense things and laughing at things others wouldn't. Don't think it's related to daydreaming though, I just think I'm a very creative individual. So, I kepting researching on the internet about the possible mental disease I had and the closest I ever got was double personality. I was never convinced that that's what I had though.

I remember at the time, I had to choose which course to study at uni and I think the daydreaming played its tool on the terribly wrong decision I made. I'd never really stopped to decide what I wanted to do for a living. However, during the uni time, the daydreaming stopped or significantly ceased. I remember I stopped worrying about it. Later on, I got to make a big dream come true, I went to London for the first time. No daydreaming there either. When I got back, I think I was "sane" enough to realise that I hated my course. So I decided to drop uni and my parents went crazy. This was tough, I got into a deep depression. . I couldn't daydream during my depressive period, I just wanted to sleep all day.

Around this time, something funny happened. I'd always daydreamed about this one band and I used to have blog dedicated to them. And then, they invited me to work with them! It's like the daydream became so close to the reality. It kinda crashed my brain a little, it felt weird because I wouldn't allow me to keep daydreaming about them because now I knew them. But with all the depression going and later my dog died and I sank. Well, after that, thanks to a trip that band paied me, I got better. I was 19 at the time and I began a new course which I loved. But then the daydreaming came back. This was one of the toughest times because it came as frequently as when I was a kid but then I was aware of how freaky that was. Still, I kept going by inertia. I did some more researching on some mental diseases and sometimes I thought I was a borderline (I don't feel good when I'm alone most of the times and i did have some mood swings). I gave up fighting against it, I just made sure it wouldn't be apparent.

That's how I find myself now. Sometimes I daydream TOO MUCH, like a whole day, and when I stop to think about it I get really stressed. It was in one of these moments I found out about the Maladaptive Daydreaming. It was good in a way to find out that I was not alone and that actually there were people in a much worse situation. But sometimes I just give in and I'll allow myself to daydream as much as I feel like, because struggling against it is as tiring as doing it all day. I've tried to make it a positive thing, like writing a plot about this story I daydreamed from when I was 12 to 18. But I just can't begin it. I also feel like it affected my memory big time. I can't remember most of my life and sometimes I'm daydreaming and I forget what I was doing before. It never affected me socially, it just makes me feel anxious about it because of memory problems and I've been having a hard time controlling it now. I started to take a hormone because my thyroid is disfunctional and it has helped me a little with my on-and-off state of depression. But again, it made me give in again.

The things that trigger it are mostly music and films. When I'm alone I'll hardly do anything else but daydream (unless I'm studying, I've got no problem focusing on that). What helps is playing The Sims, I usually make the craziest plots there and then when I finish playing I don't wanna imagine anything. Although my mind usually gets pretty tired after a The Sims session. Making to-do lists for the day is helpful to. But now that I'm on a holiday, I haven't got many things to do. I've also noticed that when I'm tired the daydreaming comes full on!

Something else I wanted to talk about is how I deal with it with my parents. Dad's got no idea and will never have. We're not so close. My mom knows there's something up with me and throughout my adoloscence I kept telling her that I knew I had some kind of mental condition. But she really don't know how to deal with it. When I've got depression/anxiety crisis she'll either get really angry (even calling me "crazy") or she just don't know what to do.

A bit of a long story but I hope it helps someone!