MDD has its funny ways of helping you

[Silver Swan]

Has anybody been shocked by how life turned out after years of day dreaming?

I spent decades dreaming about making many new friends. I was excited about having relationships with all kinds of guys. I spent years just sitting there all self-convinced, complacent and self-absorbed that I'll get what I want eventually. I was very confident that some open and loving person will accept me for all that I am.

I didn't think twice that having a speech disability will have a significant effect on my life. I wasn't one bit chatty when I was young. I wasn't very cool at all. It wasn't like I fit in very well. I didn't expect absolutely everyone will become snooty or critical around me.

So I constantly just had fantasies of this person I wanted to meet at some point in my future and used celebrity crushes as role models. I was really waiting and looking forward to the realistic encounter.

I even had the illusion that I'd have a terrific adulthood, so I looked forward to turning 30 and having a really nice job where I'd be working and chumming with all sorts of people.

What I didn't understand is how everybody honestly felt towards my anti-verbal and unsocial behavior.
To them, I came out zipper-lipped, very serious and so tedious in my appearance and demeanor. My voice was very hard to hear and I was constantly looking at the floor or at a wall, rather than meeting their eyes. They found that I really didn't want to interact with them, but just stand there in a periphery.

In my point of view, I was OK with myself. I understood that I had a dry monotonous personality and was blank faced. I often fixed this with lots of makeup and glimmer. Still, all people noticed is that I was very quiet and unable to interact with them.

I spent my teens, 20's and early 30's hoping to meet a guy who shares things in common with me. To this very day, I wonder if I'll ever get together with someone. It's very tough and soul-sucking to realize you'll probably face life all by yourself. As they sometimes say, "When your alone, your sick."

[Kina Lowes]

I believe fully in the law of attraction...so you may not be with me on this but I'm going to try to give it a go. Why not try to shift the things you expect to happen from being "at some point in the future', to happening right now. When you imagine your life as being far off, it kind of remains 'on it's way'.  If you imagined yourself as accepted now, happy and fulfilled now and were able to sustain it. It may have a powerful affect on how your carried yourself...now. And then what you encountered as a result. Can't hurt to try.

[Silver Swan]

Your right! I should do this. Thanks alot.

[Kina Lowes]

Yay! *hands up!*

Silver Swan said:

Your right! I should do this. Thanks alot.

[Kit McDaydream]

I used to dream of acceptance but eventually that changed. I got inspired and obsessed by programs where people lived in the wilderness with sled dogs etc.  As I don't actually enjoy intimate physical contact and know that's what a man will ultimately expect as the relationship progresses I've never been interested in having a partner in that sense. Neither have I ever wanted kids as screaming babies/kids is one of the sound sensitivities and older kids make fun or bully me.

After reading a book about a guy with Asperger's who'd survived 27 years in the woods with no human contact I know I could survive without being close to anyone for the rest of my life. For me, my dogs fill that gap as they provide me with unconditional love and loyalty and I'd rather hug the dog than a person I find the physical experience more enjoyable with their soft teddy bear-like fur. (I don't like skin touching skin so don't like shaking hands with people either). There could be a touch of schizoid personality in there too taking anyway any desire on my part to be sociable.

I think you are younger than me though so if you would like friends etc maybe you can get advice from autism/Asperger's syndrome group too. There are books aimed at people with autism aimed to help them with socialising so maybe you could read one and imagine scenario's where you follow the guidelines to meet people? 

[Silver Swan]

Good advice. I really should visit an Asperger syndrome group. I find that neurotypicals just won't notice that I'm there.