So it's been really hard for the past 3 weeks.

known for a long time that I can't do anything without my imaginary friends there with me. that's what they are. they used to be real people, and i'd always think about what i was going to say to them, or what it would be like if i had some skill that i could share with them, that would make them think i'm special & want to be around me.

it's been really bad for 3 weeks, but it got even worse when i met somebody online and the cycle started up again. it brought up really bad memories. this type of person, i think i know what makes them act the way that they do. there's a bunch of reasons. i obsessively analyze the way they talk, what they say and when they say it. i look for inconsistencies that could let me know they're not sincere. but all the while, i'm building this person up in my head into something way bigger than they are. i'm filling in all the silence and all the gaps with traits i can understand: honesty, patience, kindness. i'm shaping this thing into the perfect person who could be there for me, so i wont be alone in life.

and when it crashes down, it hurts. really bad. i pour over transcripts and profiles, wondering, why did i choose to give this person a chance? and why can't i see anything in their words that indicates they weren't really interested in me? why am i always blind sided, and why am i so codependent? why cant i live alone, without constantly having people in my head? i dont even know how to function or think when theyre not in there. sometimes i dream about having written x song, and im performing it for them, and i dont imagine what they're reaction is or anything... other than just 'youre clearly an interesting person that we want to be around.' sometimes i imagine something awful happened to me, like i'm sick, or i got in an accident, and they're around my hospital bed or trying to get me to a doctor. the scenes act like gifs, a few seconds long and repeating until i have to go out or do something else. i just cant get that source of sympathy out of my head. it's like if i dont have it, i dont exist. if i'm alone, i dont exist. i have to always have someone with me, even if it's in my imagination. it doesnt even feel sick or wrong, because i've always done this, for at least 14 years. that's insane!

i am so scared to let these imaginary people go. if i'm hurting, there wont be anyone to comfort me or understand. and my brain is going to constantly bring up thoughts about them, and i dont know how to deal with that. what is even the point of life if you're alone?

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You shouldn't try to analyze everything people say in details. They may say something in a way but you will think they mean something else. Try to believe what they are saying unless there is a red flag that they are obviously lying. Nobody is perfect (including ourselves) and we have to accept that.

You want to feel special, the source of your daydreaming. I also daydream that I play guitar and sing and I have friends to admire me.

I'm scared of loneliness.  I always have someone in my head, being there for me no matter what. That someone brings me comfort and security.

I also daydreamed many times commiting suicide (I'm not suicidal by the way), failing at it and people were concerned about me being at the hospital. I was daydream that when things went wrong for me. It made me feel like people were caring about me.

You feel ignore and you want to be love. Learn to trust people, the ones  that are worth to be trusted. Doing that, you will be able to be with someone and not being alone anymore. There is someone for everyone. I have someone, even with all my issues. 

Good luck getting out of your daydreams, as I would like myself to do so.

Thanks :) That's really nice of you. Best wishes

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