Frustration

[Anima]

Do you guys ever feel frustrated when your daydreams don't come true? Not necessarily the daydreams themselves, but the emotions that come with them? Like they're so close, but just out of reach, and if so, how do you deal with the frustration?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Speaking of perspective. It blows my mind the million things I didn't see growing up. Plural. People just insinuate what they should've meant to say to you—through words or body language. You don't understand what they're talking about. Just now, it hits me in the face. They were trying to tell me what they thought of me as a person. I was complacent as a kid, and just shrugged it. 

Another thing, everybody seems to treat me like I'm from another planet. The way I think of things not always right. For instance, I felt solace at home to scroll around the look for jobs. Just this morning, my dad checked in to see my progress, and wondered if I was getting anywhere. They he gave me a strong preach that he felt he didn't need to do. As I'm a grown ass person. "I should be making my way out into the world as an independent adult." Don't we all? Anyway, this is the last straw. I actually have to get moving. 

This has actually been going on since I was a young kid. I've always been a slow poke that way, and couldn't catch up to other kid's levels. Ultimately, I do catch up to their levels, but I'm just slow. Maybe I'm just very late. 

[Mace Winter]

I suppose your experience growing up feels personal to you, because obviously it’s your experience, but I wonder if we all feel the way you describe to one degree or another? I wonder how often I think I understand what someone is telling me or if I’m missing their point. Communication has so many subtle components! As you said, word choice, voice inflection and cadence, expressions and even just eye contact add up to make us feel as if we understand or are understood. I have tried to see a conversation with someone through a big lens that includes all of my communication with that person. If someone, like you for instance, has been cordial, polite, interactive and generally engaged in conversations with me, and then they say something that seemed a bit odd or offensive, I would think twice before being offended. You have shown me that you’re a very decent and open person who doesn’t seem to want to be hurtful. If you were to write something that hurt my feelings (you haven’t) I would likely think the limitations of communicating in this format made something seem off but it probably wasn’t. In other words - I would be slow to get my feelings hurt because you have been so kind since we have begun communicating.  I’d shrug it.

I am fascinated by your assessment that others think you’re, “From another planet”. I haven’t read anything that makes me think you’re an oddball - maybe that means I am one too? If you feel comfortable, I would enjoy hearing more about why you feel like people view you as being from another planet. Again, my assessment is that you’re just another earthling like the rest of us. Sorry, it might be more fun to be from somewhere else.

It sounds as if you’re really ready to make your way out into a place of your own. I hope you find what you need to be comfortable and safe. I have watched as friends and friend’s grown kids move out. Sometimes there’s a learning curve. 

Oh, and about catching up with the level others are at: don’t sweat it too much. We all are trains running on parallel tracks to different locations. None of us can judge ourselves based upon where others are. Most people are full of crap anyway when they tell you how wonderful their lives are. People front for so many BS reasons.I get tired of hearing people say how wonderful their life is while I can plainly see they’re struggling.  I think that someone with the courage to truthfully access themselves and be honest about it with others is someone worth knowing. I want the people in my life to know me or else I don’t want them in my life. Some days are great, some days are good, and some days I feel like if I was a bird I would fly into a ceiling fan on purpose. Life can be hard, but being real makes it easier, at least a little easier. I appreciate your authenticity.

Mace

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thanks, I could tell you more, why people thought I am peculiar. I think it was according to their preferences of what they consider quite normal. I honestly don't think I'm a strange person. I just look at things in a different light from others. 

My dad's got a point. I should be on my own. I know only one other person in my grad class who still lives at home. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm a pretty Quiet person. I always have been that way everyday. I realized that I could've had richer social life and relationship bonds if I opened up to others in an interactive, verbal and approachable way. I was like a noiseless wall. I never realized how boring I appeared. I was always Thinking, so I couldn't tell. 

Maybe I didn't try hard enough, or maybe I just wasn't so extravert, but I waited around for someone exceptional to enter my life for years. I did show my face and get involved in social events on occassion. Even if it meant going to the farmers marketplace or riding my bike at the beach or going to an opera. I did socialize if I had to—thing is I didn't meet someone who was like me. I was the different one. Not in the norm. Everybody else belonged to a certain group. I'm high intelligent and we are known to be pretty independent and on our own. 

[Mace Winter]

Well, there’s nothing wrong with being the quiet one, or even the profoundly introverted one. There are many of us who don’t like being the center of attention. I rarely go to parties or social events that are centered on an individual - I am way more comfortable being in a gigantic crowd where I can be anonymous. The worst 20 seconds of the year is when people are singing happy birthday to me. Ugh

But, I am super impressed at the list of activities you enjoy! All of which are things I enjoy. I’ve ridden bikes my whole adult life. My longest event ride was a 200 mile, two day ride through the coast mountains in Oregon. I would enjoy a bike ride to the farmer’s market, absolutely. As a young man, I bought season tickets to the Portland Symphony for several years in a row. Once I was tired of the symphony, I switched to season Opera tickets for several years and then season tickets to the traveling Broadway shows that came to Portland. It was really entertaining, but I often had a hard time finding someone to use my second ticket. I forget if I mentioned it, but I am training for a 10 week, 800 mile backpacking trip beginning in March of next year. I look forward to 10 weeks alone in the wilderness. 

I am confident you will find someone who makes you feel safe and loved. You sure seem to be a good and decent kind of person. I know the wait is tough.  I have been single for 9 years - truthfully, I don’t know if I even remember how to be part of a couple. It’s scary. Oh well, it will be what it will be. I am open to the idea that the universe will present what I need at the moment I need it most.

Looking forward,

M

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Awe thank you. I never was part of a couple, so it would be interesting to find out. Good luck with your adventure next year. I could spend 10 weeks alone in the wilderness—though not completely alone. I'd go bonkers. LOL. You sound like you've been places. I still haven't learned to get out of Southern Ontario on my own independent leisure. I'm always with a loved one when I travel beyond that. 

[Mace Winter]

I want that for you. Travel and seeing new places has always been a passion of mine. Seeing others living a life and seeming happy gives me hope that I will too. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

How's life right now?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I felt emotionally attached to youthful experiences I had very close to where I live, but now I wish that I wasn't glued. I wish that I just got on with it. What I mean? After I completed my college program, I didn't simply move out and launch a career. I started out small in freelance and lived in my parent's domain. I was in love with the atmosphere and the situations of being a young person that made me sit and think out into the field, during meal hours. It was a concern and it wasn't healthy. Maybe I missed being an adolescent, and I wasn't ready to merge into adulthood...I don't know. My point is the beginning of my life was Gold. When my friends all went to away to other places, it was harder to find people just like them. Now that I'm older, I wish that I woke up. I could've accomplished so much more if I quickly just got over it. 

Now I feel like I have to start over. I picked a career that I wasn't successful in. I hope to find an occupation this year that is a better fit for me. I feel like I can push forward with my future. It was great that I went to art college, but I wish that I tried it for year and then learned a skilled trade. 

Another thing, it's not easy being a young person, when your parents expect a lot from you. My dad is a successful architect, but I could not do his job. I'm very artistic, but my design skills always need improvement. 

[Mace Winter]

I think I do understand what you’re saying. It sounds as if it seemed easier to finish college and slowly move into the adult workforce, but for some reason you chose not to transition out on your own. Now it seems too difficult to get out on your own? 

I just know that we all move at our own pace. It’s easy to self-shame for the things we feel we’re failing at and more difficult to celebrate ourselves for the things we do well. You’ve completed college - many people don’t. You’ve developed a freelance career - many people cannot do that. You’re aware of the things you want to change - many people aren’t. You’re planning for a future that makes you feel better about yourself - many people just sit in their sadness and make no attempt to change. You seem to have many positive attributes. I bet that once you’re actually making the move forward you’ll be more successful than you think.

Starting over. What an opportunity! You are aware of the things you wouldn’t want in a new life so it may be easier to avoid those things.  I wonder who you’d rather be than yourself? There’s so. Much about you that seems amazing and brilliant, I hope you hold onto those parts. I have hope for your next move. 

About it not being easy being a young person - it isn’t easy being any age. I struggle with friendships and life and what to do next just like everyone else. The sad truth is that life is tough and we are all just trying to get from one day to the next. We look for moments of happiness to fill gaps in between sadness, loneliness and struggle. I have come to believe this is just part of the human condition. We cultivate good things where we can and endure the tough parts when we have to. But you can do this. Look around, so many people have similar struggles and they make it through - what one person can do, another person can do. 

Artists tend to be more closely attuned to their feelings. It’s likely a blessing and a curse. I hope the artist in you clings tightly to the beauty all around you.

M

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It shouldn't be difficult to get out on my own. I commuted out to Toronto for many years now, bopping to interviews, meetups, jobs, shows, and classes. I have no problem with navigation. When I finally can afford to move out, I really would not need my parents for anything. 

Thanks. I am determined to seek a living that I enjoy and become independent, something I must do. I'm a little scared. I've been in rough shape since I left college. Long story. So there are gaps in my employment history. After earning my degree in design, my family and I originally discussed I go to nursing school. However, this idea backfired. My mom thought I wasn't a great choice for nursing. She was a nurse. She felt I was more creative, and should pursue illustration. So I decided to be a freelancer, and worked in several contract-based positions of 12 months with no extensions. My sister is a brainy academic with a degree and certificates in science, is trying to finish her Masters. She studies forest ecology and hopes to be a technician. I think she's been to a few colleges by now. I do feel she has the privileges that I just don't. 

I have to admit, my past was a bit of a roller coaster, full of doubts and uncertainties. I honestly did not fit in, socially. I had to go around and test people out, to see if they were friend-material or not. I had to go lengths to be socially involved. It didn't help that I worked remotely at home all the time. Even if I was on the scene, people could not help but remark on my quiet demeanour and shyness. They strongly assumed I wasn't seeing people and dating for that fact. I did find good people who accepted me for who I was, just like you. 

[Mace Winter]

It sure seems like you’ve had a busy life and achieved many things. That is very impressive. You describe your past as a roller coaster, I see someone who has the ability to do many different things. I wonder what you’ll accomplish next! It’s exciting.

Once you find that “thing” that makes you feel whole and fulfilled I think you may look back at these times differently. A time of introspection, a time of searching, a time for figuring out who you want to be. Maybe one of the problems with having the ability to do anything you want becomes burdensome because you have to choose from among so many options?

Either way, I hope you find a way to enjoy the journey because I think life is lived during the journey between the milestones.

M