Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Yes! We are who we are. Why can’t we let that be enough?
I wonder how the loud, pushy, overbearing types became the ideal for which we all strive? I prefer the thinker, the one who thinks before they speak and acts from their heart, rather than those who run forward without concern for their actions and the effect they have on others. In a crowded room, look to the walls. Find that person standing alone and begin a conversation - that person has a story to tell. That is the person who sees the world as it is instead of as a television commercial. That person has a story worth hearing. A story of struggle and triumph, of wondering and figuring things out, a story of a real life being lived.
I can tell that you’re one of those people.
I haven't traveled for a while, I mean out of Ontario. Last time I flew anywhere, I went to Las Vegas for a family wedding, when I was 23. It's a long story.
Ugh. I hate flying. I do like to travel by road trip though. The last time I was in Canada I made a 12 day road trip from BC to Calgary. I stopped in little towns along the way and asked locals to direct me toward anything interesting to see. I gotta say my favorite was Bampff (is that spelled right?) I saw the glacier and went to Emerald Lake resort. Both are so beautiful. I van see why Americans want to expatriate there.
Last road trip I've been on, I was 19 and traveled to New York with college students during reading week in February. I never traveled alone before, so I was nervous. I could've stayed home to study. A girl mentioned going to New York a previous October, which inspired me to go. First day, I hung out with the wrong person. Next four days, I went to museums and galleries with male students who were better to me. I returned to my college to do my exams, one which I didn't pass.
Rest of my 20's and 30's, all I recall as a travel destination is driving 3 hours to Parry Sound, Georgian Bay. That's just about it. I did want to travel as a young college student, but the goal backfired. Again long story.
I need to explore all of Eastern Canada. But, I would only go in the summer - it’s so cold there! Do you see the Northern Lights where you are? That’s on the bucket list for sure. Do you speak French?
Apparently, I'm not good at learning languages, so I don't speak French. They make it a cliche that all Canadians talk like frogs. Yes, I saw the Northern Lights over my roof one night, years back. I live in the Carolinian zone, where we have a warmer climate. Our summers can be very hot in Toronto. Just recently my sister and father visited Victoria, British Columbia to see my uncle, aunt and cousin. I didn't go, because dad expected I'd be doing projects and freelance. He doesn't want me to ditch my career life for anything.
I wish that I would toughen up and get out there, but I don't have other people's brains, that's all. I have a friend who is like me in that light. Like we previously discussed, people don't understand what it's like to be me. I've met some who preferred I was a whole new Jessica who knew what to do. *Eye roll.* Someone once asked me if I was tunnel visioned.
Frankly, I should've travel alone anyway, you learn a lot, but for me it's not wise.
I'm at a stage in my life, where I still don't know "who I am and what I want." I got a degree in a practice that I'm not even passionate about. Yet, time is running out and I should have the answer by now. It's actually quite frustrating. My dad just wants me to get a job or do something, so I can finally leave. I had years to think about this. Even at 37, I still don't know what I'm supposed to be. I've always had a natural expressive gift and can come up with amazing artwork. I just can't design worth a damn!
I feel like I'm aimlessly going all sorts of directions with my eyes folded—but no clear Road path so far. Meanwhile I'm sending resumes all over the place, hoping someone will give me a gig.
You know, I can relate to the finding one’s passion problem. I never did find a passion, not really.
I joined the Navy as a default to stay further away from toxic family. While I was in the Navy a friend invited me to vacation with his family in a neighboring state. Since I owned a car and he had a place to go, it was a good idea. While there I saw something I liked about the area (Oregon). Once I got out of the Navy, with no particular place to go, I drove back to that town and got a job and just kind of started. I enrolled in college and worked nights. One night, while looking at the internet I saw a news story about the Portland Police Department putting their application process online. On a whim, I followed the link and applied. After a bit, I received a letter inviting me to begin testing. I passed the first test, then received an invitation to the second phase of testing and so on. I initially thought I’d be eliminated at some point during the process, but before I knew what was happening I was given a badge and assigned a date to begin the Police Academy. It was never something I had wanted to pursue, and certainly not a passion, but inertia drug me forward and I eventually found a niche in which I discovered job satisfaction.
My point is: I don’t think we need to “Love” what we do for a living or have “passion” for the job. I think exchanging time for the money required to live a lifestyle one enjoys can be enough. For me, anyway, I found my happiness outside of the workplace. Hiking, biking and running made me feel fulfilled. I usually felt as if I was wearing a mask at work. The cop wasn’t who I am at heart, although I did take the job seriously. Eventually, I was promoted to Detective and I enjoyed working with child victims of abuse. But still my real happiness came from pursuits outside of the workplace.
I wonder what activities make you happy? Is there something you do simply because it makes you smile? A hobby? Journaling? Corresponding with me on the internet because it’s safe and anonymous? If Jessica could snap her fingers and make one thing happen in her life today - what would it be?
I'm an artist. I'm always painting in my studio. It makes me smile. Art relaxes me. My other hobbies are golf, power walking, dog walking, reading, digital art, biking, and journaling.
If I flicked the magic want and make one thing happen in my life—I'd meet my soul mate.
NIce! Sounds like a life filled with fun challenges and quality pursuits. Filling our time with activities that nourish the soul, I think, Is what gives us the energy to make it from one day to the next. Maybe doing things that we enjoy is where hope comes from? I dunno.
I hope your soul mate bumps into you soon and you see the future in each other’s eyes. I hope you recognize whoever it is. I hope you give them a chance to show you their heart and that you reveal yours in return.
I leave this morning for my drive to Oregon. If you don’t hear from me for some days, no worries, I’m just on the road.
In the meantime, be good to yourself.
I grew up thinking I can be anybody I want to be. That wasn't true at all. I wasn't everyone. I remember trying things out, seeing how good I was. To be honest, I was terrible at things, which I might've believed was a breeze, if I hadn't experienced it first off. For example, I'm not good at social interaction. I remember that I failed leadership training camp when I was 16. I worked at a few restaurants and stores, but the management and customers had issues with me, and I got let go, each time. I even worked at a printing shop and lasted a month, it was a disaster.
They told me to stick with the computer. I think I had trouble being in the zone.
Then I started freelancing on the computer, doing graphic design and content creation for clients. I stayed on a few years with a national Car Parts business. It was all computer work, with absolutely no social interaction, so I was more successful. It wasn't good for my back, but it saved up money.
Another thing is experience. Dad told me to leave my comfort zone and get involved. I was stubborn and wanted to just stay put. I'd make up stories in my head of a world I never learned and knew about. Whenever I got around to leaving my cocoon—my experiences hit me like a brick wall. I had no idea how strongly people would react towards me. It was embarrassing, there were moments I just wanted to go "Agra-cadabra" poof. I was just a very quiet person, and nobody knew why exactly. Your life experiences are life lessons that you can bring forward into the future. They might surprise or hurt you in a way. That's the whole point. They make you learn. I took this with a grain of salt. I am ready to push forward now. I lived in the same park for so many years (31 counting). Now it's the turning point where I have to move out. That's the challenge, affording it and proving myself.