Frustration

[Anima]

Do you guys ever feel frustrated when your daydreams don't come true? Not necessarily the daydreams themselves, but the emotions that come with them? Like they're so close, but just out of reach, and if so, how do you deal with the frustration?

[Mace Winter]

SOunds like a perfect weekend to me. Have fun.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

MD made my life difficult for connecting with just about anybody. I can write a book about my experience s as a young person. It's as though they all found me "too weird" for their taste. 

[Mace Winter]

Well, I can’t comment on that of course, because we haven’t met in person but in written communication you’re a lovely conversationalist.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thank you. I'm not that bad. It's just need to improve my social skills. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My weekend is OK. I'm simply not a super outgoing person. So I go about my own interests and pursuits. I will do social things with family, like go see a movie, or play pool at a bar, even go golfing. I'm not a party animal who goes to clubs and concerts every Saturday night. You don't see me hanging out with a range of groups. I'm sort of a private person. I think I got it from my mother. She basically watches tv, reads books, watches her soap, and gardens in her background. 

I have a BFF I met when we were teenagers. She still lives down the street we grew up on. She's extravert with a personality and works in retail, but she doesn't have a social life. She comes right home, does cooking, chores, watches her favourite programs, and read books. She works around customers all day, so she likes spending time alone on her days off. 

We all have our own lifestyle preferences. I could learn to be more social, at least. What gets to me, is that people start looking at and start talking like they know what my life looks like. They might start treating me like I'm a misfit. It all depends on the personality too. I met a few good people who don't judge, and they smile at me anyway, and say Hi. 

[Mace Winter]

That is an interesting take on the phenomenon of perspective (a favorite topic of mine). I would argue that human nature dictates we observe the world around us, make judgements and react. I think there is a place for making judgements, but we need to be mindful as we do so. In example: if I am walking down the street and come across a man wearing a large western hat, jeans with a big silver buckle and western boots, it’s a pretty safe assumption that he identifies with the Country Western lifestyle. If that same person is sporting dreadlocks, a tie-dyed tshirt and one of those Rastafarian knit hats, it’s a pretty safe assumption that he is associating with that culture. If the same man is wearing a greasy overalls, has dirty hands and is carrying a tool box, it’s a safe to assume he’s some kind of repairman. Now, none of these assumptions are absolute proof, of course, but reasonable conclusions.

I think people fall short when we stop at that point - this person looks like a cowboy so that’s how I will react and  that it that. We don’t take the time to look for the other parts of people. Maybe that cowboy is a Circuit Court Judge who happens to not be working today. Maybe the greasy overall guy is a neurosurgeon who’s hobby is auto mechanics. We don’t know until we learn about them.

I have been enjoying our conversation very much. I think you have an unusual introspective way about you. You seem to ask interesting questions and make observations which cause me to think. I like that a lot. But, I wonder whether, if we had met at a bus stop or a coffee shop, would we have taken the time to learn about each other?

You mentioned being in the Milennial group. I think that means you’re in the 25-40 range? I am in my 50’s. Yet somehow your conversation resonates with me. You describe yourself as a misfit, but nothing you’ve written supports that conclusion. Is it possible you judge yourself too harshly? Maybe I am a misfit too but I don’t know it? In the end, I like to believe it doesn’t matter much what we actually are - because those labels are created by people just like us who see the world through their own lens which has been affected by their own unique set of experiences. I’m not what you think I am. I’m not what I think I am. I’m not what the stranger on the street thinks I am. I am only the me I am in this precise moment in time, I wonder who I will be tomorrow? I wonder who you will be tomorrow? But I hope that whoever we are tomorrow, if we pass each other somewhere, we both smile and say, “Hi”.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're right, I can be hard on myself...and I get your story about not getting all the facts of other people. 

When I was a teenager, I was very artistic, gifted, intelligent, A grader at English—but so quiet. I grew up in a neighbourhood full of a range of people, who belonged in their own "tribes." Tribes is slang phrase for social crowd. Everybody seemed to fit in a group, except I didn't, I was so unique that way. I was quite a lone wolf. Apparently, I had no social interaction skills, even though I was smart. I ran into a number of block heads who found me a perfect target to dump their insecurities on. They weren't sure if I was stupid, or really smart, all because I didn't open my mouth. So they started to bully me and quiz me to see if I was stupid. This was the early to mid 90's. I made a face and somehow, I didn't know what they were getting at. Of course I wasn't stupid! They didn't ever know how intelligent and talented I was. They just judged me by my "mouth." 

Entering high school in the 2000's. As usual, I didn't fit into any particluar crowd that was there. I did get on with some smart and talented students, but many of the other students there "were garbage." Being the biggest oddball student there, they took the opportunity to spill their insecurities on me, by manipulating me into dating and doing obscene things with two boys I didn't care about. Over the next years, some sporty smart-aleck started a guffaw "Jessica Ballantyne" that was echoed in classrooms and hallways of our high school. It traumatized me for years afterwards, even after college. I don't think any of them ever found out what a remarkable, intelligent, talented, and gifted person I really was. Everybody just blabbered about how QUIET I was. 

I never had the opportunity to socialize, due to the pandemic, but when I do get around to socializing this spring/summer, I hope to open my mouth and spill my thoughts and sense of humour, even if I may come off as somewhat awkward. 

[Mace Winter]

Being young  is a difficult time. We are trying to figure out who we are and what parts of us we want others to see. I can imagine how traumatic the event you describe must have been - especially for someone who is actually bright and self-aware. Those who aren’t aware and self smart don’t experience the trauma as deeply (I think) because they’re more easily able to let things go. Someone who does introspect tends to rethink the event over and over; “What should I have done instead, How could I have prevented this, What should I have done afterward, etc” I sometimes think the more intelligent someone is the less able they are to quiet down their inner monologue, and I wonder how they ever fall asleep with their mind running on and on - I think it’s referred to as Looping.

Anyway, I hope your current tribe sees the parts of you that you feel safe showing. The parts you’ve shown me illustrate a woman with compassion, patience and strength. In fact, there’s a book titled, “No Bad Parts”, written for people like you and me. The author talks a lot about how to speak directly to those parts of ourselves that we don’t really like. He helps us understand those parts - how they got there and how we can help them heal or strengthen or be rehabilitated. It was a good read in that I was able to identify those parts of myself I don’t like. Whether they’re fixable or not, knowing what is causing me trouble and how it got power over me is a useful tool for those moments when I frustrate myself. I would recommend it to everyone.

Looking forward,

Mace

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Fortunately, I got over my past all together, just as I turned 37. I think what I did was healthy. In fact, I'm no longer interested in dwelling on that stuff anymore. I would've just went on and on, if I hadn't dropped it. It's about time I moved forward. I have to grow up and get my own life, and find a group of friends who actually care. 

It is difficult to be young. To be honest, I still find it challenging at this stage in my life. Lately, I'm self-conscious and worried. Everybody else my age had no trouble launching their own lives and business, and have families of their own. And yet, I still don't know who I am and what I really want to do with my career. I've been hopping contracts for years, which is getting up my nose. I want to get comfortable in a permanent, full-time job that will pay the rent. Right now, I'm just a part-time freelancer. Big concern is my dad wants me to be well on my way, which I'm not. I have no idea how things are going to play out this year. 

[Mace Winter]

I wonder whether that is true for everyone? I mean, I wonder whether everyone feels self-conscious and worried to one degree or another? I enjoy, when I’m in public someplace, looking at people and wondering what it is about themselves or their life that makes them feel self-conscious or worried. I bet that the most glamorous people in the media look into a mirror and see their flaws before they see their positive attributes. One of my favorite things to tease about is that with women, those with straight hair seem to always want to curl it, those with blond hair want to be brunette, those with a particular natural attribute view other’s attributes as being more desirable. Which supports my theory that nobody is really as self-confident as they present. 

As far as being on track professionally, I have to admit that I fell into my career completely by accident, but it turned out to be a great fit for me. That’s why I rarely worry about those who take time getting their professional life on track. 

I served 6 years in the Navy and happened to visit Oregon while the ship I was assigned to was nearby. Once I got out of the Navy I moved to Oregon because I remembered how beautiful it was. Anyway, I started a job and college and was doing fine when I read about the local police department putting their recruitment process online for the first time. Out of curiosity I went to the website and applied. To my surprise they responded positively and scheduled me for the next step, and then the next and before you know it I was being sworn in as a Police Officer. 30 years later I retired as a police detective specializing in child abuse cases. All because I was curious and looked at a website. The moral of the story is that things come together in their own time. We can’t make things happen any faster than their time. 

I hope for you this year to find what you need to be happy. But, mostly, I hope you find patience with yourself.

M

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Wow you were in the Navy, and worked as a cop. I've always been in the arts, and was a design freelancer for 10+ years. I worked a lot at home, as opposed to working in-house. I must admit, it's isolating, except when I'm conferencing with people on MS Teams. To shed off this feeling of uncertainty, I will go out for a walk and get ice Capp. You must endure the fact that nobody is around you physically. I used to take on jobs that involved more social interaction, which was a mistake on my part. I used to work in fast-food and retail to make a little bit of money. I had trouble interacting with people properly. So I didn't have a splendid time with the customers and staff members for this reason. Actually, I was told to go work in an office. I think they all found me a quiet and serious person who didn't know how to be friendly and social around others. 

[Mace Winter]

Believe me, being in the Arts is much more impressive than dealing with people at their worst for so many years. 

As I said before, The creative part of people is so impressive to me. I am constantly amazed by the work people create - painting, sculpting and (now) digital art. Some day someone is going to have to explain what a NFT though. I can’t wrap my mind around that any more than understanding CryptoCurrency! 

I will say that working as a cop did open my eyes to all the similarities between people. That we are all much more alike than different. Almost everyone who I arrested realized they made bad decisions and deserved punishment - they didn’t want punishment, but they accepted they deserved it. Usually I ended up seeing their humanity and feeling empathy. I know something must have happened in their lives to lead them down the wrong road and I was always thankful that I wasn’t drawn down a bad road.