Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I never really understood why I did mostly negative daydreaming. I still don't, really. Mine was completely divorced from reality. I was a winged unicorn who dove into my favorite books and movies, and because I was always helping the heros, every last villain wanted to hurt me. Not kill me, HURT me. I was flogged, mutilated, beaten within an inch of my life, chained and imprisoned repeatedly. Not only that, in this parallel world, the people most important to me (my family) had been killed by these villains because of me. My parents had been killed in a car wreck caused by the villains, one sister had been killed (I can't remember how) and the baby sister was tossed off a cliff. All my fault, of course. If that wasn't bad enough, I made sure sometimes my closest friends betrayed me for petty reasons.
When I switched from internal DD to external (Roleplay, I consider the kind I did to be merely an extension of the MD), it didn't change. I picked my favorite cartoon character to play, but because I was in control, his personality evolved to be somewhat closer to mine. He was an alien, and I played on every last fear I instilled in him, from being eaten alive to being vivisected and watching his loved ones be killed.
Once again, I turned to a different roleplay years later, my last one, and developed a character I poured my heart and soul into. She was initially supposed to be an extremely joyful character, but she took a turn for the moody occasionally, and I tormented her over the fact that if she touched anything, it was destroyed (she's living molten glass). And then I made it worse, by also introducing deep, species fears into her due to a war that had been going on for centuries she just found out about. I could go on and on, for some reason, I crave the morbid scenarios, and I plunge my characters through hell. I do my best to drag them back out in the end, but it doesn't always happen... and I still don't know why.
I solely daydream about negative scenarios- fictional(not repressed memories), dystopian, tragedy, evil, unfathomable complex situations where me or my characters are stuck between a rock & a hard place, out of this world, etc. This happens to the point where I start crying most of the time. They can last anywhere from a couple minutes to a couple hrs.
A lot of my daydreams have physical and verbal abusive elements, almost all have some sort of violence, and literally all have dark emotions like anger, pain, and loss in them.
The darkness in my daydreams is what tipped me off that my daydreams aren't normal, along with how long I daydream for.
Every single one of my daydreams are negative. I daydream about physical abuse, emotional abuse, betrayal, inferiority, and even torture. Discrimination between social classes is a big one for me as well. I put my characters through a lot. The good things in their lives only exist so the pain of betrayal and loss is that much harsher. They are probably influenced by my memories, but are mostly just imagination - all my daydreams have fantasy themes to them. Like Amoka, I only ever grew suspicious of my daydreams because of their darkness.
Most of mine are negative, yeah. I remember when I was younger it was really extreme and mostly unrealistic, but now I guess it's a bit more realistic.
I get physically hurt a lot (not as often as I used to, but I've had ribs broken and completely mangled (in DD) and punctured lung and blood and yeah)
People don't really betray me, but they do a little (One was... well, sort of betrayal, but sort of good... it's complicated. And another I haven't really DD'd about, but I have thought of the idea of it)
in DD, there was a (completely made-up) 13yr old best friend I caused the death of and couldn't really talk about it, and there was a lover that died in my arms, bled out (at the time my ribs got mangled) and there was the time I left my other lover who was a coworker (which was against protocol) and then was on the run for two years 'cause I left my work which turned out to be bad, and took some fancy equipment with me and was running for two years which sucked and then started building up a life and all this without seeing the second lover again. (Okay, I see him again after ten, fifteen years or something but yeah)
And then I had also been raped (though that wasn't really a DD, it was more the aftermath of it that I DD'd about) and yeah.
In fact, most of my positive daydreams are either a small positiveness preceding some negative event, and being related to it (like, 'good feelings will always get you hurt' type thing) or one of those little side scenarios that never make it to the main storyline.
(ps. All the negative stuff I typed was all daydreamed. I've had a pretty good life, I think all the bad stuff I've gone through are just the mundane cruelties of life, nothing that'd make me curl up in a weeping heap for an hour or anything)
Rape, imprisonment and torture are extremely common in my DDs, along with murder, despair and mental illness, humiliation, betrayal, moral ambiguity, and most of my DDs are set either during or in the aftermath of violence and/or disaster. I don't know why I dream about these things, some minor sh*t has gone down in my life but I seem to recall that my dreams were fairly negative before it really kicked off.
A few notes: 1) I was hypothesising on chat that negative DDing could be a way of processing the stuff that goes on in the world in a non-harmful way.
2) Unlike some people on here, I don't find these DDs distressing, even though I would be practically unable to watch if was on film.
3) The victims and very occasionally the perpetrators are real people, and more recently real people have been complicit or compliant with the regime or group carrying it out
Yes, most of my daydreams involve people getting hurt, nothing is wrong in my life, acctuly it's pretty good.
I don't know why they are like that but after reading other replys i think i might understand more.
I will sometimes daydream about real people getting hurt but usaly it is my main charecters (i'm not in most of my daydreams). Often my charecters will be in someone elses power, however they are also powerful.
I would not be able to watch some of the things that happen on film, as my DDs are often so violent.
If my DD has been very violent it will sometimes effect my mood, does this happen to anyone else?
Yes, most of my daydreams are negative daydreams. I had a "Cosby Show" childhood. My parents were never abusive (physically or emotionally) I had siblings who loved me, and a big extended family who loved me. So why do I daydream? And why are my daydreams so negative? Even though my siblings loved me, they did not like me. They only hung out with me when they were forced to or bored. They often made me feel unwelcome in my own home. I used to say it was one think not to be popular school and another not to be popular at home. I think they just saw me as this little immature little pest who was a complete wimp and pushover. I don’t think I would have minded so much but there was only 5 years between the oldest and myself and there were only 4 of us.
So, when I started the obsessive daydreaming in 5th grade I created scenarios that mirrored my life. Like me, my character, is kindhearted little girl who has a very old soul. She has a hard time with making friends and spends a lot of time at home. Unlike me, her older brothers adore their sister. They are very proud of her and don’t understand why her classmates don’t like her. Unlike me, my character has had a very violent life and had to overcome things that I have only seen on Law and Order. As a result, her brothers think she is one of the toughest and bravest people they know. They will still pick on her, fight with her, and even take her for granted sometimes, but there is no denying that they like her. Her brothers’ friends protect and defend as well something my siblings’ friends never did for me.
My daydreams are my "Bizzero World". Now I am seeing that my "Bizzero World" is turning into my real world so do I need my daydreams now? No. I realize that. But they have been with me so long I don’t know how to live without them. I can’t seem to stop. Sometimes I think it is just a habit. When it is difficult for me to think of a daydream but I feel I need to do it, that’s when I think it’s a habit. Other times I know it’s more than that. When I have such a great story going on in my head I don’t want to go to sleep. Or when I am at work and people ask, “what’s wrong?” That is when I know something else must be happening.
How do you just come out and say it? I have never told anyone. I am glad to know I am not alone but I have yet to see someone do the same thing(s) I have done.
Makes sense...but I always want to be "rescued" but never am
Yes, a lot of my daydreams seem to involve some type of negative scenario. These scenarios often involve overcoming terrible loss and struggling with emotional wounds. On occasion, I've become so caught up in the story that I feel an intense sadness, at times to the point of tears. It took me a while to realize I was using these daydreams to work through the loss and abuse I went through in my younger years, even though the stories in my daydreams weren't the same as my real life. One thing I really got concerned about was that I'd often have a rescuer in the negative daydream and, even though I understood why that kept coming up, I didn't want to sink into the role of victim and have that feeling carry over into my real life. Does that make sense? I've been making a conscious effort to shift toward more empowered daydreams, but I tend to go back to negative daydreams when I'm really stressed.