Conflicted about treatment

[Chelsea Walborn]

I've been a member for a while but I've never posted. I've had MD as long as I can remember and a pretty severe case as well. I've been through therapy and I've done my best to cope but it's no good, I still have MD. I pace and listen to music, not that I necessarily have to, it's just more intense that way... So I pretty much have to :/ I have tinnitus (this horrible ear ringing) from head phones and I really do want to move out, start a life, and feel 'normal'. My parents are very kind and supportive and my mom has agreed to go to the doctor tomorrow to talk about medication. However, there's this huge fear in me that I'm going to give up the only thing that gives my life any sort of fulfillment. My mom talks about it like its dissociation, it might be... the jury is still out on that one. I just wish I could live both my lives fully, beautiful things in my life come from my pacing. I don't want to lose that. Has anyone felt this loss?

[Gin]

I also fear that losing the MD completely would be losing a very important part of who I am as well, but I also know that sometimes it can be harmful...It's kind of a complicated relationship with MD, isn't it?

[Ivy White]

If I can be very honest, that reminds me of the talks I had with myself back when I had an eating disorder. Eating disorders are less positive, but I felt that a lot of good things came from it (because back then being a certain weight or figure felt super important). You don't stick with a bad behaviour if at some point it does not bring some sort of twisted satisfaction. Also, I didn't know who I would be without it and how to live my life according to something else than calories and exercise. The thing was, you don't know how much better or different things are when you are still immerged in the behaviour. You just, at a certain point, get sick of yourself and your behaviour, and want to be able to do something else. 

[Katherine Milano]

As someone who has been trying actively for the past two years to quit MD, and at one point actually went months without daydreaming, I can tell you that you lose nothing by quitting. I have always had these fears and sometimes they still creep up on me, but on the days when I'm not daydreaming, the real world becomes fulfilling in a way that it never does when I am DD. MD makes the rest of the world kind of fade away and seem colorless, and you can start thinking that is the way the world really is. But it's not true. Life without MD is more  full of passion and joy and emotion.

As far as losing a piece of yourself, I was afraid of that as well. But since I have started making progress with quitting, I have actually discovered so much more about myself. DD is a little like alcohol: it makes everything feel intensely pleasurable, but in reality it numbs the senses. It might be different for you, but for me, it is not possible for me to live both my lives fully. Living the life in my head means giving up the real world, a world full of beautiful things, where I can actually make a difference to real people.