A brief introduction and my experiences with MD.

[LTVX]

Wow,
 
That's all I can say after a life long odyssey for answers. Maladaptive disorder, I can finally hang a tag around my "condition" and now that I reached this point I don't know whether I should be relieved or more frustrated. _No offense_ at first I was like "YES!" I knew there were people with similar issues like me out there! But than I was like "Great this is like the perfect subject matter for a episode of South Park." (I can visualize either Stan or Cartman running a MD awareness campaign, but hey that's part of my fantasizing.)
 
The earliest day dreaming memory is probably from when I was 5 years old? I visualized myself as a famous Architect. Creator of miraculous buildings world wide in a sequence that is very similar to the opening of Orson Welles's Citizen Kane accompanied by news anchor narration and glorious snapshots of the 5 year old architect that conquered the planet. Little did I know that at the age of 20 (almost 21) I would still be hooked to this crack.

When I was 8 my parents put me on this primary school this wavy object you see here was my territory during every recess I would hop diagonally back and forth it. No one seemed to wonder what I was doing one of my close friends remarked to me later in life: "I would always take a second and look at you and think to myself what in the hell is this guy doing?"
 
 
Around the age of 10 my parents divorced (a happy divorce from my point of view) and this pacing worsened. I would jump around the entire house, bouncing of the walls leaving hand prints allover our wallpapers. It drove my mother nuts (not only my mother, my down stairs neighbors often came up to complain) "For the love of god the noise doesn't end 11pm, 1am, 4am.." The man said. As I grow older and cultivated more realization, inch by inch, about this being a essential part of my life. I dubbed it "The Music Addiction."  or in a fit of rage directed towards my mother "The Cancer in my Brain" The moment when I plug my headphones into my iPod always feel like a heroine like rush, like a needle that goes into my vein. Ooh how I love it!

Being a inhabitant of Amsterdam it didn't take long before I discovered the god like MD enhancer. Marihuana. First time I took a toke I was a 11 year old happy kid who had just discovered something amazing, by the time I was 18 I was smoking up to 5grams on a daily basis and the main activity during these highs was listening to music. Up to 8hours a day if not more. I didn't go to school, I couldn't keep a job I just got up at 2-3pm and roamed about in my room listening to music for the first 3hours of the day until I was on the brink of starvation, went out to get weed came back, watch some film and roam around again untill 7am in the morning. As time passed I found out that psychedelics like mushrooms and LSD were even greater enhancers and soon I was walking on a very thin line between reality and insanity. The depression that developed were just by products of the drugs. The MD Highs combined with the drug highs is what I lived for. My whole room was adjusted to it. Crazy furniture, over-priced noise cancelling headphones it was all to "feed the beast" as I like to refer to it.
 
Now I managed to pull myself out of this vicious circle and one thing was clear to me. This "disease" needs to go. I quit the drugs, got back into school and decided to see a therapist. "Doctor I can't stop listening to music!" (If you were there only to see the look on her face) it was quiet clear from the beginning she didn't have a clue what to do with me, so they diagnosed me with ADHD. Not being satisfied with the results I started to research my symptoms myself (for two years now on and off) from ADHD to OCD, Hypomania, psychomotor agitation, RLS, and so forth. I seemed to fit the profile to a certain degree in almost anything but than again nothing fit the exact description of what I had.
 
Than I started looking into personality types (the Jungian ones mostly) apparently I'm a INTP after taking several different tests at different times to confirm this with 100% certainty.
 
"The mystery of emotion is also evidence in the INTP's use of music. He always chooses to listen to music which suits his current emotional state, be it aggression, warmth, excitement, relaxation or whatever. Hence, the emotional state is assumed to be an unchangeable, mysterious property of himself. It is easier to choose appropriate music than to attempt to influence this. People with introverted Feeling, Fi, however, will deliberately choose to listen to music which helps them change and improve their mood. INTPs could never do that. They feel an unpleasant sense of disharmony whenever a music style clashes with their emotional state. Indeed, it is remarkable how much attention they pay to their emotions when music is involved."
 
Could this be the reason for my music addiction? Is it just my personality? Thinking that I have found the cause I tried everything to stop it, drain the batteries of my iPod, lock it inside a box, during the past 10 years I only managed to go on one day with music. It drove me INSANE. After reading Freuds "The interpretation of Dreams" I discovered that these fantasies of mine were identical to actual dreams. The music being the "manifest dream" the fantasies the "latent material" I started to observe my thought process more thoroughly. There was some well crafted stuff going on in my head and I was amazed at the things my mind pulled out of the blue. (Up till the age of 18 i was only half-aware of the meaning of my fantasies) but yet all these discoveries just didn't do... Until yesterday! The pacing, the thoughts, the facial expressions everything was just there and I almost cried of happiness. So much confirmed, so little explained I stand before one hell of a task to overcome this blissful terror. Finally I know why people laugh at me when I'm riding my bike! (although I can hide this pretty good when I'm on my bike it's the only moment when it comes out unwanted.) So far only three people know this my mother and I think my brother but he just doesn't talk about it and I've told a friend. I started a with a new therapist in december and I have yet to tell them about this so to conclude my post I have two questions:

-Is MD inheritable? (I'm 100% sure my father has it he also shows the facial expressions, and the pacing when he thinks no one is looking.)

-What should I show to the therapist about MD? (Since it's not officially recognized I doubt they will have heard of it)

Thank you all and I'm very excited to be a member of this community!

LTVX