My first post. My story and problem with: bpd, Post traumatic stress and relationship problem

[Alexander Schmid]

Hi everyone, thank you for admitting me to the blog, I'm Alexander and I'm 31, I suffer from bpd and
post-traumatic stress,I have been suffering from it for years, but I have become aware of all this 
relatively recently, and as each of you I take refuge in my imaginary / fantasy world, when it comes to 
 dealing with problems, especially as regards human relationships, where I prefer to "escape" or avoid 
 the problem, rather than face it, or even preclude everything for fear of what can happen.

 

This also happened with my last girlfriend, a fantastic girl, good-hearted, she cared about me and 
understood me, even when there were problems she always sought dialogue rather than arguing, 
instead I closed myself, more and more in myself, trying to avoid problems rather than solve them,

as if I felt I did not deserve this love, so I started to misbehave with her even if I love her, as a 
self-defense behavior. I go from moments where I love her to moments where I hate her and 
her bothers me, from 100 to 0 in a short time, I can't understand why. I believe that the fact of 
 believing that I do not deserve this love is given by the fact that since I was a child the 
 relationship with my parents has been with 0 love, with a strange and unhealthy affection, 
 but now I cannot understand why when I find a fantastic person, I push that person away, 
 taking refuge in my world where I know that no one can hurt me.

This also happens with friendships, I can't create strong ones, and those few strong friendships 
I have have ups and downs, where there are times when I disappear and isolate myself.

What do you think about it? do you have similar experiences? I hope you are all well and thanks 
again for the welcome. Alex