getting back to MD, or the other side of the daydreaming coin

[Jack]

ok, so this is a werd one, so from what i have been able to gather from a cursory glance at this site most posts seem to view getting rid of md as a positive witch sadly hasn't been the case for me, about ten month its ago i noticed i was having trouble visualing not wiith my md at least not initaly i thought it was brain fog or writers block i  have always been a vivid visualiser and those sorts of things reading, writing have always been my passion and md was an exenstion of that i  created a world/reality wherein things basicaly started as a thought expriment involving a particular popular franchise i won't say which, anyway whenever i read/watched something i'd do my own version that i'd fold into my md and i mean everything and id normaly do it whilst watcing and following along eventualy through cause and effect and a real desire to jutr umerse myself this reality grew and grew i had a whole timeline in my head i'd memorise all of it charater plots all the usal stuff i'd genarly let the md story take the format of whatever i'd been watching with an intro episode name music  etc i' make up compositions and character themes to play in my head not write them just make the sounds play in my head i even had little joke segements and behind the scences where i was head writer and i gave the actors personalities  outside o fthe boudries of their characters i kept every thing achived in my head and would replay my favourite episodes and my continuity was a mess of retcons callbacks and in jokes i loved all of it and still do ( what i can rember but im coming to that) well we come to my conundrum you see my memory creativity inteligence and genral awerness have all declined gradualy since that time and thus i've lost the abilty to md and retian all the feelings and emotions and the plot of my md sometime i get flashes but then it recedes ads when it ry to think back i know i'm missing massive chunks of my story ang kind of visualing not just md is now almost imposiblle thing ive memorised for years i don't even know, i've lostword that pepole tell me i used regularly and i just can't absorb new info this has led to me suffeing from servere axitey an possibly depression i realy wasn't depressed before despite what others might say my md was a hobby a compolusion absolutely but not one that ever affected me acdemicaly or my day to day  in a way that made me ever want it to stop it helped my deal with other issues that i  can no longer cope with and its absense has harmed my quality of life  severly all i want is to go back but i don't have the compulsion  anymore my life is a living hell and i feel lost confused and utetterly helpless i don't want to adjust to life without it but because everything i can find is about getting rid of it i feel getting further away and my brain has jus sort of... accepted its absense somehow but i don't want it gone i want it backi've been forced intoa world that can't cope with if i ever ended my md i wanted to do it on my own terms, i need it back not because compelled but because it is my life  i've had for as as i can remember and the person i am now just isn't me living like this just desn't apeal to me having md realy did define whoi wanted to be i have n goals in life beond it i've never been this passionate about anyting else my life is empty a don't wan to to fill this hole with anything else all the help i have sought seems to want me to move on but i don't want to i owe this to myself i donn't care about the real world bwyond survival my md was my legacy i always wanted to write it down but now i can't even do that i realy want it not just need it and i'm looking for support not with moving on but getting back, this blog is for anyone with these issues and anyone who has regained md or even has any idea about what might help us reaquire our md all insights welcome if you have any furthers questions, withing reason i shall do my best.

[oneira]

I often feel that too much MDing tires my brain and I find myself in a desperate need for a break and something that would regenerate my mind. I've also noticed that spending more and more time in my daydreams, instead of studying, reading, writing or simply talking to someone, slowed my thinking process and it is difficult for me to find a certain words, to articulate my feelings, to focus on a single thing. I have never experienced a complete lack of the daydreaming ability, so I'm afraid I can't help you with that, but maybe try to exercise your brain by different means (books, crosswords, actively taking part in conversations) and then start imagining again, perhaps to a certain genre of music? I wish you all the best.

[JamesRelton]

Hey Jack
Shortest version possible
I’m James from Leeds , 47 years, Nhs frontline covid worker, childhood trauma and abuse , been DDing around 35 years ,a child’s response , a stupid,ill advised, done me no productive good whatsoever, but a child’s response to a world that scared him
All the symptoms, blinking, clicking , faraway look , upset if disturbed, highly planned, filthy rich faraway storylines, sometimes I’m in them , often I was other people, hero’s , film stars or just the bu man for the day
It was just all about me not being me, so I didn’t develop anything, any personality traits, just a Porsche powered daydreaming machine , real life bored me , and if it ever didn’t, it fuelled further daydreaming
I never grew out of it
I had a Heath scare recently with my bloods , past misdemeanours , bloods fine , but the sheer unadulterated terror of waiting caused a direct implosion of my inner world
Now I can’t do DD
And there’s nothing there
Just blackness
I breath , eat , proud of my work but that’s all , separated from my wife as she became a carer to a mute statue
So I’ve lost so much
I must be one of the only people on earth for which covid has been a good thing( well apart from government ministers best mates getting huge PPE producing contracts) , bigger than my problems, something to get out of bed for
I take a lot of none prescribed prescription medication to get me through and numb the pain of being no one
I’ve replied to you Jack as I’m familiar with no one replying to me
Your not alone mate
But in we go
Never be remembered for going into the darkness without fighting Jack
Never
Kind regards and best wishes mate
James