My wild mind may never rest

[Tammy O.]

It is 2019. I am 27 and I have spent countless hours of my life living in a daydream. Yes, I know its not real but the pull to escape the harsh reality of life is something so strong that I cannot deny. I was terminated from a teaching job for failing to perform to their standards in February and I have yet to find a job since then. When I am not  daydreaming, I am suicidal and inundated with self-doubt. I have yet to convince myself a reason to be here other than my daydreams. I am taking medication, in therapy, in group therapy, yet I can't seem to find a reason to stay other than daydream. My pain is so real that as I write, tears come down my eyes. I have friendships that have kept me going but nothing is close to what I imagine my friendships can be. I have struggled with depression for more than 15 years without a way out. I have suffered in silence for too long. Many people know of my struggle but can't seem to understand how much pain I am actually in.  Sometimes I rather stay in bed and daydream than do anything else. It seems easier to daydream than face my self-doubt. I hate living at home because all I see is expectations of me to do so much yet I cant even get out of bed sometimes. I have learned that there is no cure for MD or depression and it will take time to heal but I just cant understand why I havent recovered even a little.  If you struggle like me, know that you arent alone. The journey isnt pretty but trust me its worth it. The grass may not be greener on the other side but its worth at least seeing what it may look like. I know its hard to keep going but you have to try. Daydreaming is just a form of escapism and partial denial that something in your life is missing. The truth is if you keep daydreaming you will continue to miss out on a whole lot in life. 

If you read all of this to the end, I really appreciate you. Take care of yourself.

[tasniiem chandraa]

hey! I m in the teaching profession too! what do you teach? I read you lost your job. but I m positive you will find another!

just message if you would like to talk.