Wishing for Death

[Cemre]

Hello to everyone who spent time to read this post.

Well, these days I found myself not wanting to live anymore. It isn't that my life is really bad, in fact, it's a pretty normal life. I'm preparing for college, my exams are over and the results won't be that bad- maybe good. My family is good and well, I'm not that lonely. I have friends I can share my situation without worrying that they'll turn their backs on me.

But whenever I'm alone and espacially whenever I'm thinking about future, I feel like my life is pointless. I can get to a good school and I can have a good career but the other stuff? I don't think I can trust somebody enough to get married, and at some point my friends and my sister will be soo busy that they won't have time to spend on me. They'll have their own lives- husbands, wives, children etc etc. And I'll be happy for them. But my life will be empty and cold no matter what I become. You can say ''You can always get married and not be that lonely.'' But I have a massive fear that if I get married, it'll just be a disaster- and this time, it will have affects on somebody else too. I don't want to see the person I'm married suffering because of me.

The reason I'm still sad about this is I'm scared of being lonely. I can't imagine my life after my parents died. I'm being ridiculus, right? Yet again, these thoughts are stopping me from being hopeful about life. I lost my trust on my friends and I don't know who will stay with me. I guess no one. That makes it even worse. I find myself crying whenever I think about my future. If I didn't believe in a God, and if I wasn't afraid of the greater punishment I'll recieve if I take my life, I'll take it the minute I have the courage.

[Whitney]

Hi!

I want to let you know that you are not alone! I know it's difficult right now and you feel like it's all pointless/hopeless, but trust me it isn't! Things do get better. Right now I suggest that you don't think too much of the future unless it's of picturing yourself getting better. Focus on the present, distract yourself (even if it's DDing), be active, do things that make you happy/calm/positive, and communicate. Talk to your family/friends about it. Trust me, it will make a world of difference! They will give you a more objective view and make you realize that things are not as dire as you may think. Seek help and start journaling about the good and bad days and the activities you did in each to eventually find a pattern. You'll see that every day is a bit better or that there are more good days than bad.

I am battling the same things you are (anxiety, depression, and at times suicidal ideation). I had never truly admitted or fully processed that I was depressed because I would cover it with DDing, which made everything bearable. However, in 2015, after spending every waking moment DDing - I hit a wall. One night, I found myself unable to fully immerse myself in my DD because I was tired and I had used up all my old plots to exhaustion. For some reason, I began to think about the full effect of me constantly DDing, the fact that I didn't want to be like this for the rest of my life, how alone/sad/hopeless I felt, and what would happen if my only connections to this world died (mom and sister).

It hit me hard and I spiraled into a severe depression with anxiety and insomnia. I couldn't DD because the anxiety and depression got so bad I couldn't sleep or think positive. It got to the point that I broke down and confessed to my mom and sister about DDing, how it had gotten so bad that I felt I couldn't function or be me without it. I had to get help because of the suicidal ideation and had some therapy and medication for awhile.

My biggest regret is that my sole goal during this period was recuperating my DDing so that I could rid myself of my issues. Slowly, I got better and my DDing increased. Instead of fighting the DDing, I accepted it and fully immersed myself again. So, now I'm back to where I was in 2015 with one night of being tired and not being able to fully immerse myself in DDing caused me to have another self-realization and break down.

This time is different because I understand better what's going on and why and I know I can and will get better with or without DDing! I try to live in the present and not let my thoughts overwhelm me. I fight the negative thoughts (see that they're not as valid) and try to catch them before they lead me to desperation and the desires to end everything. I distract myself with activities, singing out loud, or shushing myself. I am again seeking therapy/possible medication. I had quit both several months after attempting them after I had convinced myself that I would only get better if I did it on my own and ignored it all/DDed again.

I know this is long but my point is that it will get better, slowly but surely. It may not seem like it but it will. Right now, focus on the present, talk to your loved ones, distract yourself, seek help! Once the symptoms subside a bit, you can start thinking about what you want in life, what really matters. Try to find inner peace, happiness, fulfillment. You may think you don't know what these things are, but you do. It's just that you haven't fully processed or articulated it. Even if you think you have never felt happiness, trust me you have and will once again. Everything doesn't need to have immediate answers, just try being here, right now.

If you ever need to talk, you can reach out to me :). Communicating always makes me feel better and have  a bit of introspection.

[Annie]

Hello!

You are not being ridiculous! Many of us have been in similar situations. When the guilt and full weight of the MD addiction hits you and you feel lonely and abandoned, severe depression is the result. You may feel like you are in this endless black hole now, but you don't have to be there forever! There is a way out, you just have to find it. Get help, speak to a professional. Friends are great, but a Therapist can help you understand these feelings and offer you techniques to deal with them much better. Trust me, I have been there.

And once you start climbing out of that hole, you will realize that it wasn't as bad as you imagined. that your fear and self loathing clouded your judgement.

Have faith and take the step to getting better. You won't regret it. And if you stumble on the way, don't forget: That's normal, it's human, you just have to keep going. We are here for you.

X, Annie