when worlds collide

[Lisa slater]

I feel like i know whats its like for an alcoholic to admit to their addiction,  both to themselves and others.  And this feels like stepping into an AA meeting for the first time and introducing myself to others in my situation.  

Hi i'm Lisa an I am an excessive daydreamer. 

Perhaps thats just my overactive mind going again, I realise that I just acted out that scene in my head.

So I have been daydreaming in different forms for as long as I can remember and nearing 30 years old I really want to stop, but then i don't, i love by imagination and its worlds but recently my own story lines and the emotions that go in have crept into my reality and i know its not healthy.  

Trying to stop however, is harder than I could ever imagine, I desperately want to go into my world and instead of automatically going into it, i am stopping myself, arguing 'what harm can it do' 'it makes you happy'.  Stopping is making me anxious and i feel crazier than ever.  Mainly because i feel like i need to end the main story i've had, but ending it means starting again, having gone through 4 days 'sober' i dont want to go back.

I'm married and i've told my wife (civi l partner) in the last few days, because the anxiety that stopping is creating was making me ill, i needed support.  At first she thought it was a joke, but as the tears started rolling down my cheeks she knew i was serious.  She says she wants to know all about the life I have created, but I'm not going to share that, my world involves relationships etc (i've always had them in my world happy in my real relationships or not) , and I'm not sure she'd understand that side of my world, I think she thinks its all very innocent and I will keep it that way!

I realise though thats its not just my imaginary world i escape to, everything is a scene for me,  I plan real situations before i do them, preparing what i'l say, in what tone with what facial expressions, even going to the doctor is pre directed.  In spontaneous situations, where no time to prepare, I relive the event over and over thinking of different ways it could have gone, this even going back to situations at school etc.  I don't think I can stop that, I don't knowingly go into that.  My world however is something i plan for, something i crave, i have looked forward to work trips away etc as i get a whole night or few nights to spend whole evenings in my world.  That part i think I can work on stopping, but do i want to?  Do you want to/

[Lisa slater]

Thanks for your thoughts, its so helpful to know that other people relate to this. I'm prett convinced that this all started from something in my childhood, god knows what, but I just know I knew too much about adult life when I was younger . Whatever that unknown trauma is i develoed my escapism, and I use my world now now to escape a world where I'm not happy with myself. I had really bad depression from age 17 onwards and now the depression isn't bad but I still have a lot of social anxiety as a result. I think you are right though, stopping at this stage isn't wise, but I am reducing it. I'm at home today, working and usually I'd take a few hours just to move my story on a bit, but I'm not allowing that today, well not all day anyway! I'm of the opinion that my daydreaming isn't innocent it's definitely linked with mental health not psychosis but depression / anxiety.