Using DD to replace loss

[northern gal]

I'm a 46 yo divorced single mom of 2 kids.  My marriage was the first relationship with a man that I ever had.  A year and a half ago, I started dating a guy (again), (long story there), and it was going great!  We get along so well, have so many of the same interests, viewpoints, opinions, etc.  We never fought (though he thought I should lose my love handles...even though I lift and run 5 miles several times/week)...so my boyfriend was the 2nd relationship I ever had.  On Valentines Day, he broke up with me via email.  I'm in so much pain right now.  I really love him and care for him so much, this is just devastating.  I just started a new job, and for it, I have to leave my kids for 13 weeks of training...going down on Sunday nights and coming back Friday nights.  That's going to be really hard the way it is, and I have to pass the training in order to keep my new job.  Can we say stress???? 

 

He says I'm the most decent person he ever had a relationship with.  We live 50 miles apart (but my new job site is 20 miles closer to his house than my old job site), so we were only able to see each other 1 or 2 times/week.  Hard to grow a relationship that way.  He's kind of a loner, and never had kids...said he can't relate to them...but, he liked me and decided to give it a try.  He said the reason was he felt he didn't have feelings for me anymore and the kid thing was part of it.  We are so much alike, I really feel he is the one for me.  I felt it right from the beginning.  Now, he says he wants to remain friends and still do things together, because we get along so well...and maybe by doing so, we can sort things out.

 

I've considered just turning him into a DD and having a relationship with him that way...so, that he doesn't leave me and I can live happily ever after...and him as a DD would accept me for who I am, with the love handles.  But, I'm torn between that and having the real thing.

 

Everyone is telling me to cut him loose...I have basically no experience with relationships, but I know other couples sometimes break up then get back together.    I guess I am hoping someone would tell me to fight for him.

 

What should I do?

[Madelyn]

Well that's shit.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. And what a way to find out too! A little impersonal, a bit cold hearted :( are you going ok? That would have hurt a lot. I hate it when people turn around do crap like that, and just when the trust was building up again too! I know you must be feeling gross right now, and I also know that I can't say anything to make it better, but just know that we're here for ya, if you want to blog how you are traveling and to take your mind away from the DD-ing. Let us encourage and support you.<3

[northern gal]

Well, all of you were right....my relationship is over.  He emailed me to tell me he went out on a date after I was hundreds of miles from home.  Guess he didn't consider us back together.

[northern gal]

Thank you for your feedback Madelyn.  A week after he broke up with me, we got together for a bite after I got done with work.  We talked quite a bit, and we started to be very open about what we were feeling.  By the time we departed, we decided to keep going at it,  and hang out (when we can, hard with my new job and his OT), and see how he feels after a while.  He did admit to me in a later conversation that he didn't fall "head over heels" with his 9 year gf, but grew to love her over time...so, maybe he shouldn't expect every relationship to be like that.  She left him, and it hurt him a lot, but with her excessive drinking, he is glad she had.  He is non-materialistic and leads a simple life, like me...he said all of his other gfs were only into shopping and clothes (I don't care for either)...and he likes that I have a lot of other interests in life. 

 

We started telling each other stuff we never had talked about...I did tell him of my DD and asked him in the conversation (before I told him) about whether he daydreams extensively.  He said he does and sometimes can't remember when he's talking to someone real whether a previous conversation he had was in his mind, or actually happened, until he really thinks about it.  So, he DDs like me...with people in our lives and situations we are currently in.  He didn't think it was a condition, that everyone has extensive daydreams where they act things out in their mind.  So, at least instead of thinking I was wierd, he admitted doing it too :).

 

We have also brought up other sensitive topics, religion, sex, ect and he's finding out that we are agreeing on things he was fearing that we would fight about....so, this whole thing has lead to us opening up conversations that both of us were afraid to have. 

 

I'm going down to his house tonight, to see him for about an hour before bed...then, he's off to work at 5am again.  But, it's the last time I will see him before starting 13 weeks of law enforcement academy a few hours away from my home.  I did set up his computer to skype, and I'll be free Wed nights to do that...the rest of the days, we start at 6am and go to 9pm, only getting 30 minutes to eat each meal.

 

I am hoping once the academy is done, to spend whatever days off I have this summer to go fishing, hiking and hangout, ect...then, see where it goes from there.  He just has to figure out how he feels about me...at this point, I don't really have anything to lose...the worse that can happen is that he decides it's over.  Been there, done that, lol.

[Madelyn]

Hi northern gal,
I can't help but ask how the situation turned out?
I have to be honest here (sorry if you're back with him and totally in love and stuff) to me, this guy, no good. I know it sucks. Being in love sucks because it messes with your brain, your logic, your reasoning. How many times have you heard someone say 'I can't believe I fell for them.. stupid, stupid,stupid'. Only to then go and do it all over again. A lot of people never learn or change, then waste their time chasing after what they think Will be fulfillment, only to find that once again they found isolation.

But it also sucks being alone. Not just physically alone, that I can handle ok. But emotionally alone? Scary. That's why people go on chasing after hopes and dreams of love. We are programmed to connect, share, enjoy. Our human drive to find someone to love us unconditionally, is one of the most powerful instincts we have, I reckon. Next to survival instinct, sex drive or hunger and thirst. Its easy to see that after meeting so many people on a daily basis and never finding a suitable mate, when you DO find someone, they are pretty special. Especially if they think you are special too. This guy... Is he treating you special? Going for some other woman then coming back? Have some self respect.

I know. Self respect. Ew. So easy to say, not so hard to achieve. Bottom line, I let men treat me like dirt, because, really, that's what I feel I'm worth. And hey, do you know how many times I've traded in my self respect and worth, for a warm body and someone needing me for 20 minutes? At least I wasn't ALONE. But I began to see, with out worth, respect and identity my insider and my heart slowly were dying away. Allowing yourself to be used time and time again only eventually brings misery. EVENTUALLY. Maybe not for a while, but always in the end.

You have a job (and I bet you're great at it, especially after all that training!), children (even though they may drive you crazy sometimes) and you sound like you've been pretty self sufficient. I bet your bottom, that there would be men that would want to treat you with respect and call you theirs.

This guy, (I'm so sorry, I know you love him) won't even give you the time of day without checking out everything he thinks is 'better'. I wonder why it didn't work out with the other women? Maybe they see his shallow nature. You exercise more than me, more than most! What an achievement! He should be boasting to his friends over the fact that you look after yourself, not naming and shaming normal parts of your body. (we ain't all anerexiac teens anymore!) I'm sure you love your children, otherwise you wouldn't have fought for them. How Will your boy feel about his own worth, and your opinion of him, when he sees 'step dad' wants me gone from my own house from my own mum?

You say you want someone to tell you to go after him. Even thought you chose to include in your post, the horrible things about him. You could have told us he was awesome or just left the horrible bits out. I wonder if you really want someone to tell to keep him, and that you really want someone to tell you you are, and deserve so much better than that. I Will not tell you to go after him. Ill only say, you obviously have doubts deep deep down. It pains me to see wonderful, beautiful, clever,unique women settle and be used, just so they won't be alone and they have fallen in love. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh? I hope not. You don't need someone to treat you like an after though, abandon you in a most inconsiderate matter, break your heart and piss off your kids. You need love respect and trust. Where to find those? I dunno. I just know that, I DON'T know you, but I KNOW that you are better than this.

Sorry for the rant! :)

[northern gal]

I was actually pretty happy and had a very fulfilled life before we started dating...involved with my kids, volunteer work, orchestra, work, recreation and ect.  I didn't stop any of those activities after we started dating, just added him  to the mix, I guess.  Together, we did more activities like fishing, outings etc.  Before I went out with him  and while we dated, I had very high self esteem....I guess I feel inadequate now because the wound is still so fresh.  I do feel selfish for taking the kids when I left my ex, but I felt like I was the better parent.  My ex-boyfriend didn't define my self-worth...the inadequatcy I feel is due to feeling selfish in wanting it all.  I don't think he would have a problem with family events...his sticking point is a kid living under his roof.  Like I said, he is the 2nd relationship I've ever had, so I had plenty of years of singlehood and I considered myself a pretty complete person.  I just love him so much, it's hard.  I did already tell him that I would be friends until one of us started dating again...and even doing things, I'm going to be pretty picky about getting together, as my time is so limited now.  I made time before, because I thought we had a really great thing together...and yes, I'm afraid the friend thing is so I can be a backup...he already chose me 2nd, and came back when the other girl didn't work out.  I told him I wouldn't be the 2nd choice again.

[greyartist]

Just IMO, and I may be jaded, but I say cut him loose. I think "let's stay friends and do things together" is code for I am going to date other women but want to keep you for a fall back. You deserve better.

[northern gal]

Guess I want to add a bit....all this happened just really recently as I started the new job and we finally started talking about future plans/living arrangements.  Over the past year, he wanted to start the conversation, but we avoided it until now.  My daughter is almost 18 and isn't part of the equation, time-wise, but my son is almost 12.  So, I'm thinking that with talking about that as a closer reality and me leaving for 13 weeks, which would also take a toll on our relationship, and him working a ton of OT right now (which he hates working OT)...that maybe he still has feelings, but is trying to cut the ties now, before we grow apart from the seperation...or that there isn't a solution with my son.  I've seriously now considered that my son could live with his dad.  Does that make me a bad, selfish mom?  I was selfish taking the kids 7 years ago.  I feel so inadequate  :(.