The deepest thoughts penetrate my mind when I’m immersed in myself, listening to notes that pluck the strings of my moods, stirring the taste buds of my mind. I think of death, Nick, and that girl when certain soft sounds reach my ears. I spin in the darkness as my mind reaches out to the untouchable place where they are. I wonder at the impossible as my emotions tangle with the music and my mind drowns in thoughts that aren’t speakable. I long for Koni Latu’s presence as I sink to the floor, body and soul holding onto each sound that floats up and away, just like each moment in time that I spend, waste, and abuse.

                I think of the most beautiful things to write, but the problem lies in the fact that they are so without words, that there is no way I could possibly convey them through speech or the written word… I feel such deep emotion, and I feed that fire with thoughts of the pain of both boys' family and my own pain… the pain makes me high, and tears take me higher, as all overwhelming feelings join together in huge waves that wash over my mind, clearing it of all sensible thought. Emotion is the most profound human attribute. I long for a reason to be without regular sensible thought. I pray for insanity through uniquely strange circumstances… I want to be able to fly… I wish I could be something without human comprehension… I want to be able to hold a power that leaves myself and others without words, so that only the deepest emotions may be felt.

 I feel I am touching the surface of that well of deeper emotions, and I long to dive in, but my brain cannot swim that deep, for it is not capable. But when I force chemicals into my body, my brain is freed of its natural boundaries, and it can soar much more far than it ever has… however, I would not be willing to subject my body to such chaos, for fear of killing myself.

There is no way I will be able to stop daydreaming… it lets me reach that place that no one can describe… I reach the place of silent oblivion and profound creation…

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