The Silliest Thing to go Bananas Over...

[Bee]

So there's was this online community I've been a part of for like 23 years (it was the community for a comic I'm way to into and it is tied to my MD). It was a generally good place. We pissed each other off, but everyone got along and were good people.

We had a saint keeping everyone together. And I'm not kidding, one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. I don't think she ever said a unkind word to anyone in her life. She kept everyone together and was kinda our heart (and I know that sounds corny)

But then she got very sick (live is unfair) and she passed away. And the community drifted apart...This September was the tenth "anniversary" of her death. And I got really "sad" - I just missed everyone and everything we'd build.

So with backstory out of the way...

Feeling I still needed to be part of something related to the fanbase, I hung around a "forum" related to it (with none of the old faces). It wan't always the most pleasant place to be. But I was use to the drama and I tried to stay out of it and just be pleasant to everyone (I think I'm trying to recapture some part of what we had years ago).

So two weeks ago the "biting/catty twins" as I call them in my head. Were making a few "pointed" comments my fanbases' way. And I mostly played along...they do it to everyone. Mean is just their natural state being...we have chronic MD...they have chronic bitchiness...;-) Best to ignore them. It was good natured ribbing - nothing new. (They're also mods - so not "pleasing" them can get you banned *sigh*)

But what got to me? At some point it turned very pointed and personal - which was weird. I was still handling it, when three random posters decided to have a go and just get a lick in to. Now these were people I've never really talked to...So they had no reason to be pissed at me (I think), I respected them and thought they were nice guys. So when three completely random people (one who came out of "posting retirement" just to join in) starts throwing serious rocks just for lolz? I was stunned. I mean one even said he didn't have a "horse in the race", but just felt like he wanted to join in. 

It hurt. And with coming off the emotional rollercoaster ride which was September. I decided, for my own well-being, it was time to let go and get my out of my "thing". I packed away my old stuff...removed everything related to it which could be a trigger. I even changed desktop wallpapers - I was serious.

But it just plays over in my mind. Did I say the something wrong? Did I miss some hint that they didn't like me? Did the others think I was ignoring them? They've all gone on with their lives, but I'm still stuck asking myself these silly questions. I don't have a ton of friends, so this bit of daily social interaction was important to me.

I miss 23 three years ago..I hate that a bunch of people, who don't care, ruined something I've loved since I was a kid. But all my emotion towards that silly drama is tied to it. And my MD was tied into it as well. I feel like I'm loosing my "other world"", but because it's related to this thing that hurt me...I can't work through it using my MD. I'm always taken back to that night and the awful things that got said. I miss it...I can physical feel the emotion tied to it. Ignoring the addiction is eating away at me.

See, I told you guys it was silly and basically my own fault. I can't work through it and I'm acting like a child. I just need to move with my life.

(Sorry for the length - just needed to get it out)

[Bee]

Paddy, I know what you mean about 'feeling things to the extreme' or 'feeling like it was all your fault'.

Example, I once found myself apologising to friend for being 'rude' to a guy she'd invited to her party. The guy had made some unsavoury remarks about race and I told him I'd rather not listen to anything he had to say and walked away. But for some reason I felt responsible...like I'd placed my friend in an awkward position. It's weird and I still don't know why or what I was apologising for.

He was a bigot and didn't deserve a second thought from me.

My friend told me I was being silly and that she would've done the same - she was really taken aback by the apology thing. I got the feeling she felt insulted that I even tried to...then again my people sensor is way off...so who knows.

Thank god for fellow MDers who kinda understand how my rather 'freaky' mind works.

[Bee]

Mira, sorry to hear you're where I am - stuff like this just sucks. Only thing we can try to do now is to make peace with it somehow and move on, like you said. Glad my tale of "woe" could give you some insight, sharing this stuff with follow MDers makes WM worth it. We learn from each others experiences. :)

[Mira]

I am totally where you are right now, except my daydreams were connected to a specific person. And when I got a nasty dose of reality with regards to my relationship to that person, when I catch myself daydreaming now (whether it's about them, or not) I feel sad. In fact, I hadn't really thought about that way before- mental connections, I mean. Your story gave me added insight.

As for the forum thing, it doesn't sound like it was your fault. It sounds like maybe they misinterpreted something you said, or were just feeling particularly ugly that day.  Don't take responsibility for their ugliness. You don't have to dehumanize them, but you also don't have to take responsibility for their actions. 

I had a bf some years ago that really ruined aspects of nerdom for me. It's taken me this long to realize how much he robbed me of my enjoyment of those things. I wish I had a better idea of how to fix those types of mental connections.

Pulling myself away from my daydreaming is sucking really bad right now. But I'm looking for support where I can find it. And it look like you are too. :)

[Roel]

Lol soon he will be like us! muhahahhahahahahaha! >:D

[Bee]

LOL!  I'll ask the hubby, Roel.

(Although, I feel he's coming over to the dark side - he's lived with me way to long...;) )

[Roel]

I always wondered how 'normies' manage to breath too hahah ;)

[Bee]

Thanks for your comments guys - they help and it's nice to hear others perspectives on this kinda stuff.

I should've gotten out of there earlier, but at least now I'm out of it. I'm still ticked off, but at least it's not driving me mental that much. Time heals all wounds or so they say.

And I've found 'my people' here. ;) Like minded, pleasant individuals who don't go out of their way to be catty just to fit in. People who actually care and listen. At the end of the day, I just don't get how most 'normies' move through the world....

[Roel]

Well this went completely over my head since I'm a retarded simplified being that is too stupid to ever argue with anyone or anything :/ So I don't relate to this type of scenario's, and all I can do to comfort you is to propose you to give an imaginary hug <3

*huuuug*

To be clear: I doubt it's your fault in anyway. There are no problems over here, You are a nice person. ( Also you have an Afrikaans past which I believe is awesome, because I'm insane :D ) I realy like you here :)

You should do the things you love with the people you love. You don't love these people, in fact these people seem to be incompetent bitches, so f* 'em. You'll find other great people that can share this passion of yours. And like Alison said: no need to abandon your dreams because of this.

And please don't call this silly. This obviously means a lot to you and I understand it. It's what you loved since you were a child and it's "your world". There are sooo many stupid dumb little silly things in my life, that just make my life worth living <3 It's all okay.

I wish you strength and love bee

-roelifant

[Alison]

First of all, I want to say that keeping one forum for 23 years is really impressive - and it goes both for a moderator and for users. I never stick to the same Internet community for more than a year.

And I know that life online is not that different from the real one. It's just a stereotype that it's not serious. These days the Internet means a lot.

I saw how good Internet comunities were getting ruined - becoz of changing admins or new annoying members. It always hurts when thing that once was home to you goes away. And it's not childish. It always hurts when something dear to you is gone or ruined. 

I don't think the reason is in you. They were behaving not nice towards you. Some people are just unpleasant. Once I left one Internet communtity for several years and then got back. And I couldn't get it going at all. Just becoz people changed - maybe becoz of the whole thing going mainstream. In the old community apart from the main topic people also talked about different things that also interest me, here it was just childish talks about something stupid and boring to me. Probably, your new forum wasn't a very nice place from the very beginning. Maybe, that's why the other members of the old one avoided it.

And I also hate it when someone starts to criticise my fave fanbases. You know there are fanbases that I don't like, but I never criticise them in front of people who like it. I mean I can say 'It's not my cup of tea' or 'I don't like it actually' but I'll never say 'How can you even like this s**t?' or 'It's illogical, stupid, and the starring actor sucks'. But the Internet is full of trolls - very hard to find a place without them. People consider themselves super-smart. I know there can be lots of quarrels just in one fanbase. 

You say they're mean by nature. So, it surely has nothing to do with you. I mean they probably just wanted to make an argument online. Some people just take pleasure in it. If it hadn't been for you there, they'd have found someone else. To me they sound like common online bullies. As for the mods - well, they felt their power. That happens very often. I know people who just ban anyone who doesn't please them enough.

Here you sound like a very nice and interesting person. If I met you on any other forum, I'd really like to get acquainted with you as well. I really like chatting with you here - and that's a rare case when I get along with new people from the first day of being acquainted. It's great to have you with us.

And I hope you'll get back to that fanbase - no need to leave it all behind only becoz of some bullies.