The Second Step

[Chandra D Lewis]

I lurk quite a bit on this forum (lurking is what I'm good at, on and off line), and came to the conclusion that before I could really start getting a hold on my prodigal mind I needed to tell someone.

So I told my husband. And cried through the whole thing. I said what I had to say, he asked some questions- I even directed him to this place to show I'm not the only one, as if it would somehow cusion the fact that I'm not like other people. While he read, I sat there, dreading the look upon his face when he turned back to me. Disappointment, confusion, pity, or perhaps my worst fear -a blank stare, no understanding at all. Frightened doesn't even come close to what I was feeling. Whilst he had no clue of what I do, then I can pretend nothing is wrong, that I am just like everyone else.

He looked up at me and smiled. He said he knew I was weird; it was one of the many reasons why he loved me so much. He always knew I did something else when I was alone, but didn't think anything of it. He actually said he does something similare when he creates his games! Just not to the extent that I can, apparently. If the imagination opens a new world, he told me, then I have my own solar system. Richi said he was almost jealous of that.

I've never felt happier in my entire life, including the birth of our child. My greatest fear is never being understood, never belonging. If life was a house with people residing within, then I am the creeper in the bushes; I stay hidden behind the branches, watching and wishing I can go inside too, but desperately hoping no one sees me. When they do, they usually lock the doors. But Richi conveniently leaves a window open just for me. He already knew I was different, and pretending to be normal did nothing to distract him.

Then he started to apologise to me. He seemed to think he might have been hurting me with asking me to help him create the backstories to his games. He's got a RPG he's working on called Stonelight, and I helped hammer him out an entire universe in three months. We still are ironing out some details, but the core of its existence is complete. Although I do dream of the place sometimes, it's not encompassing as some of my other 'worlds'. When I can use it constructively, it isn't something that encroaches so much as just occasionally whispers in my ear.

Of course, then the topic switched to what can be done to help me. He suggested telling his mother, who is a registered nurse. Although my common sense saw the logic in this -having a licensed professional's clinical opinion may indeed be helpful- when he set it up for me, I was so scared again I cried all that day. However, once again my husband helped me in more ways than I think he knows. She studied MD with me, helped me figure out a game plan to keep this under control. She even opened herself up to me and told me what it was like to be in her head. I kind of felt bad for her; let me tell you, normal people's brains sound a boring. :P We figured out where I have problems and where MD helps. In school, I would slip into a dream whilst being taught, but never leave the classroom, and that would solidify what was said into my mind and I never needed to study. So now we are trying to figure out how I learned to do that and try to apply it in other parts of my life.

All in all, I am really glad I told someone. I feel so much freer around them both, like I don't have to stand in that bush anymore. Now the next hurdle- telling my parents!

[Annie]

Wow! You actually made me feel hopeful that I will one day find a boyfriend who will accept me for who I am. Thank-you. =)

Your husband sounds like a great guy, hold onto him.

P.S. I also too seem to imagine the worst at times only to later realize it was the complete opposite =P

[Wakethenight]

I'm happy for you.

[Amoka]

you're really amazing. and lucky to have such a great husband. I freeze up with fear at the very idea of telling anyone except my sister

[greyartist]

wow, you're really brave