The Great Wall of MD and anxiety...

[Kade Scoular]

Hi everyone

I needed to write this blog to vent out, everything with me seems so f*****g messed up and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sad, lonely and afraid and it's all because of this f*****g anxiety which is like a demon hellbent on ripping my life to shreds and keeping me in a state of eternal suffering. 

This week has been good, I went to a house party on Saturday with my friends and a few others and it was an awesome night that dragged on til' 6AM. Everyone was off their faces on alcohol and one drug or another (especially me) and I loved every second of it, the atmosphere was just amazing. But the thing I remember most about that night was this beautiful girl... She had long blonde hair, deep turquoise eye, the most slender long legs I've seen in my life and a soft captivating voice. I found it really hard to not look at her, especially in my MDMA fueled state.

In my mind I wanted to approach her badly, but my nervousness had a tight grip on me like shackles and would not let me go. So I danced anyway and I noticed her looking at me as I was looking at her, as we made eye contact my heart rate instantly shot up and my stomach felt like it was fluttering with a million butterflies. Then she asked "Why don't you come dance with me?", I looked at her and god knows I wanted to do nothing more than dance with her, but my f*****g anxiety was never going to allow that and I politely refused and laughed off the invitation like a moron. I knew at that very second that I had just let another opportunity pass me by and I felt defeated yet again. But that was not the last encounter we had.

Later at some point I walked upstairs to the bathroom, as I walked in I saw her and my friend Reis sat in the empty bathtub facing me. This part is a bit hazy as I was very wrecked at that point, but from what I can remember she asked me to join her in the bathtub and shuffled over to give me some space. Yet again I turned down her offer out of nervousness and I left them to it.

I walked downstairs and saw my friends chilling in the living room watching TV and I joined them, we talked for like 20 mins when she also walked down the stairs and proceeded to get her shoes and coat on. I pretended to not notice her so I wouldn't have to nervously reject her again and beat myself up about it later on when she told me that she and a few others were going on a twisted walk (twisted is a phrase used to describe the high off stimulant drugs such as MDMA and cocaine) and whether I would like to join them. I really did want to as well and I remember telling my friends that I was) going for a walk, but they dissuaded me from doing so saying they were "muppets" (which means losers or idiots) and basically I'd look like one if I joined them.

And so she went and that's the last time she approached me and I'm beating myself up now for not having the courage to even just talk to her, I f*****g hate myself. Even today, I was on my way to the shop to buy some food when I noticed a group of girls walking on to the path in front of me. I immediately felt nervous and put my head down as to not make eye contact with any of them, but looked up every now and then to see where I was going. As I did, the tallest and prettiest girl out of the group looked back at me for like 5 seconds and smiled. I pretended to not want her attention and looked at her with a "wtf are you looking at" face and looked away but I still felt her gaze on my person. Instinctively I looked back up in her direction and found she was still looking at me... smiling in a flirty way. I wanted to go over and at least introduce myself but my nervousness was increasing with every second and so I walked away, pretending not to care about the prettiest girl in a group of rather good looking girls so blatantly checking me out. And now I am also beating myself up about that and I am wondering what the f**k is the point in my life if I cannot live it?