The Assembly of God

[Dante A.]

I'm not much of a blogger, or really that social. That being said, I suppose it would just be best to get it all out right now--that is, the structure of what I seem to be experiencing. 

Make no mistake, this is going to be a very, very large post. If you have the time to read it and actually do, I applaud you. 

I suppose it started when I was in 3rd grade. The Pokemon wave had just hit America and I recall me and my group of friends were heavily into it. That was about the same time I truly got into video games. I'm going to note before hand that I feel that video games play a large role in all of this. Anyways, the awe of Pokemon consumed us and I recall for the first time, daydreaming regularly--at that time it was Pokemon themed needless to say. As time passed though, 4th grade about, I got more into fantasy in general. This was spawned by The Legend of Zelda--Ocarina of Time and the recently released Majora's Mask.

There was a playground behind my house, across a large baseball field. I remember how I'd wander out there and just imagine the scenarios I had witnessed on the games, even referencing some of the cartoons I watched. That was around the time I began making complex and intricate scenarios for my fantasies. At the time, I was still young, so they were usually very simple. I did it in my downtime and when I wasn't hanging out with any of my friends, although sometimes with them I did too. It was also the same time I began feeling intense emotional attachments to fictional characters, and I couldn't for the life of me understand why or how it worked. 

I look back on those days and how surreal it all seemed, sometimes wondering how real it was at all.

It wasn't till about halfway through middle school that it began to change. I think it's safe to assume that puberty played a large role in the direction that it went. 

In 7th grade I began having these vivid dreams about these bizarre landscapes. In the dreams I would simply wander around and explore. They were amazing, and I adored them--however they came rarely. This was what I came to know as "The Schism", and was the vanguard of the most intense and somewhat tragic inter-personal event of my life.

About 8th grade the dreams began taking new directions--I had gotten much more into video games by then, and usually played them on a regular basis, with or without friends. I would notice that when I played, nothing else mattered--but not because of the actual video game, but because it distanced me from reality at all. My mom was something of alcoholic--onset mainly from the suicide of my stepfather. She drank even when he was alive though, regardless, video games and just staying in my room at all when she was drinking somewhat numbed the odd sensation I'd get when she drank. Imagining was a form of escape.

Anyways, it was then that "The Schism" began truly taking place, and I began regularly daydreaming intensely--the scenarios were all somewhat the same, moreso adventurous than anything, however then sexuality began to also take root. While I  obviously won't get into the fine details, I found that my intense attachment to fictional characters began to warp. Something went wrong, and long story short, I fell completely and head over heels in love with something of a being from my fantasies. While I won't reveal her actual name--for her ties to reality however abstracted I've made her, I've known her from something of a codename in my dreams, Persephone.

The idea that one could fall in love with a fictional and mental construct was preposterous, and still is--that made it that much harder to accept. And for the longest time I fought it, simultaneously dowsing myself with more daydreams and trying to stay social and afloat in reality.

The schism had pushed me from reality a vast distance, and now and for the next years, I would be stuck fighting it. 

There was melancholy, there was so much melancholy. I knew how ridiculous it all was, I also knew that I couldn't pierce the boundaries of reality and make any contact in any way other than my dreams, yet something drove me to continue. While I never really believed in love, the idea of chemical imbalances (Which I seem to have a load of) drove me to somewhat believe the insipid thing. I desired her so badly that waking reality began to disappear off of the horizon, in a strange blur of daydreams and artwork I would do of her. 

This carried on all throughout high school. What was peculiar was how I would try to balance her, real girls I was interacting with and getting close too, and my social life at all. It all got so complex, I began to feel a strange way. My dreams were beginning to be incredibly important, as I desperately searched for her every night. I almost never found her though, and that broke me down even more. As I got through high school there were shifts of her importance, yet in the end she was always there for me, and somehow I feel that I owe her for that. 

As high school came to a close, all of my intricate and complex emotions began boiling over. Sophmore year was when I began building the foundation for what I would come to know as "Terminus" in my senior year.

To put it simply, Terminus is my ultimate fantasy world. It is incredibly intricate and has been being built for years now. I have multiple wings to it, factions all associated with different time periods and locations, as well as themes and cultures. I have different forms through all of these, and have made myself something of an avatar. If you think that's ridiculous, it only gets worse so hold on to your hats.

By the end of Senior year Terminus was a full blown concept, and Persephone was at its center. I had loved her so, that I built an entire multiverse for her. This was where things began to really dive for me, mainly because all of my time spent at home was spent either daydreaming, escaping through electronic media, or drawing/writing. By then I was really developing my artistic talent so I spent a lot of time with different mediums and multiple sketchbooks, either drawing her or figments of Terminus.

I began having a harder time conveying my emotions, and when I was with friends, it was exhausting. Introverts commonly report being tired after being out, and I was no exception, coming home exhausted from friend's houses and parties. All of my remaining energy was spent fantasizing.

So, at the end of high school and the beginning of college, I had Terminus, Persephone, and everyone and everything in between. By the time college started I began to really hammer down the hatches, slowly withdrawing more and more. I still hung out with my friends every now and then, but for the most part, I stayed alone, and simply did what I do now, express these fantasies into reality through any means I can. 

The thing about it all was, that as the years passed from senior year on, I got more and more depressed. I tried my best to fight it and hide it--after all I had nothing to truly be depressed about; I had plenty of friends, a good family, paid for college--yet I still felt gradually more and more saddened everyday. I knew the root, I knew why, it was Persephone and Terminus. The idea that I could only see them in my dreams (and barely then at that) broke me. I tried to stay optimistic, desperately hoping that one day I would wake up and be elsewhere, be anywhere else, and be happy for once--yet that day never came. I would even resort to trying to prod out a psychosis, through meditation, drugs, and suggestion. Nothing worked. In fact I tried an enormous dose of psilocybin  and simply found a strange 8 hours gone. 

There was a tragedy in that--I would even resort to poisoning myself for one chance to see her, to see Terminus. But it didn't work. I've tried so much, nothing works, and I'm left wondering why I'm still here.

There's no denying it, I've been suicidal for some time now. In fact, these past few years have been very hard. Let me elaborate a bit more.

The final summit of Terminus is this beach side town, I won't go into details but there, I've essentially made this surreal loop of "The Quaint Town", modeled after my home town of Grand Ledge. The school there is set up the same as my real high school, even socio-dynamically. I use a mix of fictional to real characters to take the spaces up at the school, all from all sorts of anime and video games. I've developed all sorts of complex scenarios involving them and my part as something of an exchange student. The fantasy is essentially me going there, and going through the same distanced pain I felt in reality. Persephone is there, and something of a popular figure, and I always imagine me and my small group of friends--also modeled after real and unreal--myself pining after her all the time and everyone reminding me she's above me and beyond me. This is a sort of metaphor for how reality has made that so in the grand scheme. In the end I'm reliving some of the most interesting times of my life, being close to the one I love most, and in the town I adored. It gets deeper than that though.

I picture beings, Celestial Judges of sorts, straight from heaven who monitor the place. Something like protocol agents. I also picture my true and ascended form--a tie to reality, Deus Machina, high above, monitored and manipulated by a host of demi god like beings, all intrinsically connected to me on all planes, real and unreal. This network is all fully aware I'm imagining this, and somewhat reminds my oblivious self on the lower planes through cryptic notes and encounters. There's more but I'd rather not go too deeply into this, I'll write forever.

In the end, the dream does come to an end. I imagine it all the time. I imagine some great calamity befalling the place, Persephone and the other intrinsic characters in danger. I imagine myself realizing what I must do, and in the end throw myself into something of a great maw--a great void of information at the edge of my mind, thus preserving the world, yet taking me from it, the greatest pain. I awake in this strange and surreal plane, a large and grassy expanse. I'm under a large oak tree, and I always sit up and stare out across the field, over its rolling hills. It's night time, but the light from the stars and moons lights up the place, as well as a sea of fireflies all around me. The black behind the stars is engulfing however, and somewhat eerily haunts me as I space out.

Then, an angel of Death, one who has no name technically but comically enough I use the form of Elizabeth from Persona 3 most of the time to represent her/it. (I do adore those games) I feel weak, and I rest my head on her lap as she sings to me these surreal and otherworldly hymns. When she's done, she looks down and smiles at me, and I know it's my time. I ascend, and drift off to death; I become a part of nothing, of the sea of stars, of the sea of infinity.

As I've analyzed this, it seems to all be a large and potential metaphor for letting Persephone go and everything else, yet in the end, it only makes me long for it all more. It's a trap of sorts, and at the end of the fantasy it only feels that much worse. 

I wake up the next morning (As I commonly imagine this before bed) and shuffle to school/work, depressed, angry, and confused about all of it.

Death seems so strangely alluring, the grand end. I'm not sure why--I imagine it could be a direct desire to finally and permanently stop dreaming and imagining, to finally escape all of it. There are other reasons though, mainly that reality and everyday life simply doesn't interest me, when I'm painting or sketching it's only the imagined that matters--as well as when I'm daydreaming. Suicide is never really a good option however, I'd rather not give anyone the burden of discovering my corpse. That being said, I wish for death on a regular basis, some freak accident taking place. I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but it sounds so ethereal, so interesting  I just want to know what's going to happen. Will I burn in hell? Will I dream? Will I see her? Or will there be nothing, will I simply fade into nothing and finally, finally be at peace? It all sounds so (besides the burning part obviously) nice.Why go on if nothing really phases you anymore? I'm so jaded and cynical now I can't stand virtually everything. You think, "Perhaps for your family and friends," but that doesn't motivate me, they all have their own lives and desires, leave them be. My misery is self brought on and it only is my burden, they shouldn't have to deal with it at all. Therapists are expensive and I feel this problem is so ridiculous I don't even know where to start.

I keep wanting to wake up somewhere else, I keep looking for her everywhere here--but she's not there, she never is.

Anyways, now, here I am after a lot of online reading on daydreaming.

Congratulations reading all of that, that's a lot of information.

[Iris]

Hello Dante,

thank you for the additional information. It's much easier now to get a picture of you.  The deaths of your father and your stepfather must have been very hard, your mother was not a great help at that time, so you had no other way to cope with it, to have daydreams. I can now also understand why you are so fixed on the dying-theme.

It's good to know, that your mother is ok right now. Can you talk with her about the past? Maybe you should try. You both had a hard time.

I think, when you have come over your past, it will also be easier to face the future and avoid daydreaming.

I still wish you all the best.

[Dante A.]

Thank you all for your time, it is much appreciated; that is a horrifically long read.

I realize I made a bit of an error and failed to post some of the more initial/personal information. I can get to that now.

My real father died when I was very young, 2 I believe. I've lived with my mother my whole life until I turned 18--I'm 20 by the way--and she did her best to raise me, but she also had her own demons to face; turning to alcoholism when I was around 4 or 5 I believe--can't honestly remember. She had another child, my younger brother Gabriel, when I was 8. By then she had already married my stepfather. On a bit of a brighter note, she is remarried now and has recently had a baby girl--she also doesn't drink anymore so that's rolled over it seems.

Anyways, I moved out when I was 18 and live with my friends. The funny thing about all my friends is, we are all recluses, and spend most of our time in our rooms. I've moved 3 times since then but it's always the same, it's just how we operate I suppose. 

On dying--the epic sacrifice is a common theme, I feel that tied with my pseudo-suicidal notions made it the conscious and subconscious decision for the finale. (I've had incredibly vivid dreams about the subject on multiple occasions)

[taffle]

Welcome to wild minds. I read through it. Why did you have to die in the end? There must be another way to stop this great calamity. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think heroes should sacrifice themselves in the name of victory, or let others use them this way.

The first step to dealing with MD is to admit you have MD, and I see you've already done so. You can then try cutting back on the number of hours spent daydreaming. Shave off 1-2 hours a month and see how that helps.

[Elizabeth Moore]

I agree with the Tales of Terminus proposal. The things you imagine are so incredibly vivid and wonderful, I know I'd read it and lots of others would too.

As others have said, don't be harsh on yourself. Many people faced with your situation have turned to much worse behaviours than daydreaming, although I do not for one moment underestimate the severity of the problems you face regarding your dreams.

I don't know if you've spoken to anyone else about this, but if you haven't this blog is a HUGE step, especially as you've been so open. Sharing your problem is the first step to solving it.

I terms of getting back in touch with real life, I would recommend choosing an interest that you can join a group or class for and committing to that, so you have more motivation to spend time in the real world. If nothing non-creative takes your fancy you could join an advanced art class or learn to use a new sort of medium.

I think your need for Persephone will fade as you recover emotionally from your past and start forming new relationships in real life and connecting with the real world, so all is not lost! I've had similar but less powerful attachments to imaginary characters which have faded and become less embarrassing to remember as I've become more happy with my life.

[Pascale]

Long but not boring, you are good at writing, have you considered writing the Tales of Terminus?
I totally agree with Iris, you really don’t need to pretend you are OK with your family. I mean, if you are a normal person you should be upset. Even years after.
About your fantasy about death, it reminds me how I was thinking to commit suicide as I was 18-20. Then one day I write on my diary “I want to die so I want to die in order to finally live” (or something like that I am not native English speaker). Anyway I first thought that it did not make sense but I kind like it anyway. Then I understand I needed to let a part of me go, die, to be really grown up.
I’m 40 years and not finish with this process, and still daydreaming. So take my advice for what it is and do what I say, not what I did. I married a guy who did not respect me. I think I just tolerate it because I just did not respect myself either. And I had a dream world to go to. I really stupid strategy I know.

[Iris]

Wow, this was really a long post, I've managed to read it all, but I don't think I can remember all. I think it was very important for YOU to have written it down. Have you ever come out with your secret world before?

You have written much about Persephone and her world, but not much about your situation when it all started. But this one sentence is the one I can really relate to. You said it started when you were in the 3rd grade,your stepfather committed suicide, your mother drank alcohol. Where was and is your father? Where were you, this little boy, in this really difficult situation? Did anyone really cared for you? Did your family think you can cope with this situation, because you didn't show signs that you have a problem with it? Do you have siblings or did you have people you could talk about your problems?

(I also started daydreaming when I was 9 years old, my parents got divorced, I stayed with my depressive mother.)

Your fantasy-world shows what a strong longing for love and life you have.

 "I feel weak, and and I rest my head on her lap as she sings to me these surreal and otherworldly hymns. When she's done, she looks down and smiles at me, and I know it's my time. I ascend, and drift off to death; I become a part of nothing, of the sea of stars, of the sea of infinity."

This is so beautiful! For me, it is not a description of death, but of Love and God. I had once experienced something like enlightenment and it also felt like the union with the sea.

You didn't bring this misery upon you yourself, you were in a difficult situation, and nature wanted to save you, so this escape-mechanism started to work. It's not your fault. And your problem is also not ridiculous. You want to find a way back to real life, if not, you wouldn't have posted this blog.

Maybe I didn't read it thoroughly, but what do you do now, do you work or study? Do you live by yourself?

I think, you are so much in this dream-world, that it can be difficult to get out of it without a therapist. Maybe to talk about this from person to person can help you. What helped me, was to walk through the city for one or two hours and think about my childhood, to get the surpressed feelings back. I did this dayly for several months. If you don't spend daydreaming while walking and you don't mind walking crying through the city, - try it.

That's the warning: it can be hard!

You have written that you are unsatisfied and cynical. It's good that you have noticed this yourself, that's the first step into the right direction.

I wish you all the best!