Running Hot

[jc]

I have coined a term called running hot. It can be compared to lights being too bright after a headache. But instead of light, it's my conversations and imagery that happens in my head is too intense/bright. It's disorientating because I normally can tune out my imagery and thoughts if absolutely needed and for a short time, but when I'm running Hot, it's impossible and overwhelming. Every word, sound, thought is so intense it's dizzying. I am completely overwhelmed at this time. New input or other conversation would be tourcher. At the time of when this happens I need to learn more if I can identify why this happens. Is there a pattern or trigger? It's not that my life is out of control, it's my sensory and brain, imagery and the reaction to life that always triggers it that is out of control. The real world at this time becomes more distant and harder to stay in. Its too hard to focus on real world objects because every time I do it triggers more and more intense things. So it becomes a viscous cycle. I'm stuck in my world and if I try to leave I'm punished by more intensity that forces me back in. So I'm left only with the option of staying in and dealing with what's there to "ride it out" so to speak. It's really loud and imagery overlaps and is more colorful and tactical. Not at all in a positive way. Its almost like 10 people are talking to you at the same time and showing you things. It's impossible to sort through it and manage it. You just have to wait it out. There is a feeling of vibration as this happens. It's like my whole world is forced and like sandpaper against sandpaper. In general, I don't remember how long this lasts.

Does anyone else experience this? Or is there an official name for what that is?

[jc]

That's a good idea. I think I would be so nervous to say what needs to be said on the spot. Then once I get home I think I would kick myself with all the things I would think of after the fact that I should have said.
I've got a bunch of journal entries. So I think I'll slowly show some selective ones until my trust level builds up.

[jc]

It's my thoughts that get too loud and the people talking in my head and the things they are showing me in my head. (My world)
Also, what people say in the real world is instantly "painted" in front of me. (Everyday, all the time) So when my mood gets intense, it's such a mashup of thing. I've got my world going plus anything someone says in the real world or music, etc will add to the intensity.
I wouldn't say it's audible, but it's seems as though it is, because its all I can focus on. No audible hallucinations yet.

I'm also not sure if its part of MD. What prompted me to post this was your blog about the walk with your family. The point where you were falling behind reminded me of this. This post was actually straight from my journal. I want to post more about my MD experiences, but I'm not finish writing about it in my journal yet enough to feel comfortable posting it. I feel I need to work it out on paper first so that I can stand behind it and think more about it first.

I've got my first doctors apt coming up this week where I am going to start a dialog about what's going on with me. I'm so afraid to tell the doc about everything going on. My fear is the doc will call men with white jackets that will take me away in a padded room. In all seriousness, it is a major concern of mine.