My Story: From Harmless to an Addiction

[Amanda L.]

For as long as I could remember I've always felt a sadness inside of me. I hated the way I felt and the emotions that I was feeling. From the age of nine I had thoughts about death and suicide. By the age of 10 I had begun to cut myself as a way to cope with what i was feeling. At first it was just experimental, but then i began to enjoy it. As I got older the cutting began to become more serious and so did my emotions. School began to make me feel worse. I felt like an unnoticed human being and that I had no sort of importance to anybody. So in my mind through day dreaming I made myself important in a fantasy world. It started with a swing. Everyday I would go to a single swing set in the middle of an unnoticed small field and just day dream on and on. The feel of movement and adrenaline is what made my day dreams feel real. Music was also a factor. While day dreaming i felt as though i needed music to fill the emotions of what i was feeling as i was day dreaming. With the change of genre on my iPod the type of day dream changed as well. While i was living these day dreams in my mind i felt a sense of happiness and since i had started the day dreaming the cutting and intense emotions had stopped. In a way i felt as though the day dreaming was helping me so I continued to do it and found new ways to change it up. Soon I discovered that I got the same feeling as I did when I was riding fast with my bike and running. By the age of 13 I had begun pacing back and forth and not long ago I realized that jumping on my trampoline helps as well. I am now 16 and I have realized that this "harmless" activity has become an addiction. I feel as though I can't stop. There are so many things that trigger it and in that moment I feel as though I need to do some sort of pacing and day dreaming or else I feel anxious. It has effected my school work and messed up my perfect A average I had managed to keep up. I feel like a much happier person than I was a couple of years ago and I feel as though day dreaming was a big help to that, but in the end its left me with an addiction. I go through emotions of sadness often still but maybe that's just apart of being a teenager however I'm still left with this addiction. Over the years the amount of day dreaming has increased. I feel like I NEED it in order to go through my day. In fact I don't think I've gone a day without at least an hour of day dreaming and now the only thing I can think of what to do is to write about it and share it.

[Liz Winning]

wow, I can relate to this post so much! I understand how you feel exactly, I know my daydreaming has become unhealthy and addictive but i don't try to stop it because it makes me feel happy, it's when I try to stop day dreaming that i suddenly feel overwhelmingly sad and unhappy for no apparent reason. For me it began on my trampoline when I was about 10 years old, i would jump on the trampoline with my Ipod for hours at a time, immersed in my daydreams. however, as i got older i obviously didn't have time to do that, and so now I pace or jump up and down on the spot (i know, it sounds really strange!!) MD has also affected my grades a lot, I used to get predominantly A's but my grades are slowly slipping. i don't even really notice that i MD anymore, its just constant, it feels normal now. it never stops, ever.

I'm 16 as well, by the way

[Iris]

What you have written reminded me of me, when I was a teenager. During my childhood/teenage-time I used to throw a tennis-ball on the wall of my room for hours, while daydreaming. I'm also sure that it effected my grades, but I never had straight As. At that time, I was sure, that one day I will die of suicide - now I am 48, have a family never had these thoughts again. I daydream far less, than years ago.  Try the advices on the main-page. Accept the feelings that you have, even when they are not pleasurable. When you can cope the emotions that you have in real life, you won't have a need to escape into your daydreams.

I wish you all the best.

[Amanda L.]

Wow it's amazing to me how much in common I have with someone when it comes to this. And thanks, I might take you up on that offer. This isn't just something that you can talk to anyone about.

[debbie downer]

i'm 16 too and i've had depression for a year or so. i use my daydreams to cope with my depression just like you. i have never self harmed and i don't want to, and i'm 100% sure that it's only because of my daydreams. daydreaming takes my mind off of how miserable i am, and if i didn't have that, i would have a lot more time to think about it and i probably would cut. and my MD is just like yours, because i pace and listen to music too!!! i think we have a lot in common. feel free to message me if you ever want to talk about MD or anything.