My Story

[Molly]

I've never discussed this with anybody, so I'm just going to let it out here: I'm young (18) and started daydreaming at 11 years old. I was a very shy child, and wasn't very socially apt. My home life wasn't great, my mom was always at work and my dad worked nights; my older brother was always off with his friends. I didn't have a very concrete sense of identity, so I turned to music to ease the loneliness. I became obsessed with this band, and its lead singer. He was always saying things that contradicted everything I had been told growing up. He was fascinating. I spent hours googling him, reading his quotes, watching interviews, etc and it became unhealthy very quickly. I began daydreaming about him, at first just before I fell asleep at night. But as summer began, I found myself more isolated than ever. The daydreaming became an all day, every day thing. I hung many posters of him on my walls, bought his band's t-shirts, listened to nothing but them while I daydreamed. This went on for the remainder of the summer. When school started, I didn't care about my hair, make up, what I wore.. All I cared about was him, and the feelings of acceptance and belonging I gained my daydreams. I remember daydreaming about him in the morning before my alarm clock would wake me up for school, and on one distinct occasion, turning it off and skipping school so I could stay home and dream about him. My parents knew that something was up, but they were too busy to take too much of an interest. Then, in 2008, he got married. I remember crying for three straight hours after I found out. I grew so depressed in the following months, I began to self-harm and feel worthless. I spent the rest of the year in this state, crying myself to sleep over this celebrity who was old enough to be my father. I felt pathetic, but I couldn't stop the daydreaming. I had no friends, no emotional support, I felt trapped. So, in 2009, I attempted suicide, and very nearly succeeded. My parents found me, and I spent a week in the hospital and had to have over 40 stitches in my wrist. That's when I finally got some help. I was put on zoloft for my depression, but I didn't tell my therapist about my daydreams. I was too embarrassed, and afraid of being institutionalized. My family moved to a new town, and for the first year, the daydreaming continued, this time with a character from my favorite show. These did not last as long, and I kept dreaming of my favorite singer. After about a year, I met my wonderful fiance, and things started to improve slightly. I still daydream every night, and most of every day, but I don't feel like I need that singer anymore, and have moved on to an actor from England. I haven't told my fiance, family, or friends any of this. I feel crazy typing this all out, I just needed somebody to know.