My MDD

[JJ]

Throughout my 34 years of life, I always knew I was different.  This wasn't just because I'm gay, and not just because I've suffered from major bouts of depression and anxiety.  No, it is because of something else.  Something that I finally have a name for:  Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder.  Until late last week, I thought I was alone, or that I was just a freak.  I had no idea that many other people suffer from the same thing I do.  It was almost like a weight was lifted off me.  

Every single day for many years, most of the day off and on, I'm pacing back and forth, talking out loud, pretending I'm being interviewed for something, teaching a class, the newest castmember on one of the Real Housewives shows, a famous singer, movie star, etc.  This, of course, is done only when I'm alone.  I would die of complete embarrassment if I were ever caught doing this.  Needless to say, I feel like an absolute freak.  I cannot imagine telling anyone I do this, because, I can just imagine the thoughts that would pop in their minds.  I mean, when I think of my own self doing this, I think of some woman with wild, unkept curly hair, pacing around back and forth in some room at an asylum, only wearing a nightgown while she loudly talks to herself.  People who have no idea what it's like to engage in this behavior, and are not in the mental health field, I can only assume would think I'm nuts, and would distance themselves from me.  This is why I have never dared reveal this deep, dark secret to anyone.  

This disorder has really affected my life.  Spending so much of my day daydreaming has undoubtedly had positive results, such as causing me to be less impulsive when making decisions, as I always act out possible scenarios before making a decision, and really allowing me to be very creative.  However, I find MDD has mostly been a major hindrance.  I HAVE to have alone time in order to act out my daydreams, and if the only alone time I get throughout the day is in my car when driving to and from work, or when I'm in the bathroom, I get very agitated.  I prefer daydreaming over real human interaction.  It is very hard for me to concentrate at work, or when I'm with my partner or friends, because my mind is constantly racing.  I never really thought of this until today, but it's almost like MDD is a very bad addiction, and I'm very much an addict.  I NEED to act out my daydreams.  It's like a drug to me.  And, unlike most drugs, maladaptive daydreaming is free, yet has some very costly consequences.  I enjoy solitude over interaction, because the rewards are so much more satisifying.  I prefer the imaginary over reality.  I'm afraid this behavior will destroy me if I cannot stop it, or at least control it.  

I am so happy this webpage exists and that other people are experiencing similar things as myself.  It's such a relief knowing there are others out there!

[lisa wright]

The devil rubs u by shifting ur focus .

[lisa wright]

if u have ocd with mdd not giving into the ocd will make the mdd controllable. i m a christian and when i started having the mdd and it was taking over my like god spoke to me and told me not to give in to the ocd and it worked it was so easy after that to get rid of the mdd after that.bible says devil come to kill steal destroy resist the devil and he will flee from u .Belive it or not its  satan trying to rub u of life .

[JJ]

I'm hoping I won't have that problem when I go back to school in August!  Sometimes I can concentrate really well, but most of the time, not so much, unless I'm concentrating on something I'm really interested in.  And I agree..MD is a constant annoyance for me too..Part of me loves the benefits of it, but the other part of me wishes I could control it better.  I hope you will be able to control it too, because I know how frustrating it is, not to mention how hard it is when you have to hide it all the time

[Mynx]

Mine too! I cant even get studying done because I cant pull myself out of my daydreams then I get behind. I have gotten a lot of bad grades because of my daydreams I'm tired of it now personally. It makes me creative but it ruins a lot of things in my life and is a constant annoyance. I'm ready to stop it all together and move on.

[JJ]

yeah..although it consumes almost all of my waking hours off and on..

[Mynx]

Wow that's not bad at all! I have gone 6 hours doing it at times!

[JJ]

Hmmmmm..it really depends..Sometimes it can be like 5 or 10 min, and other times, an hour or two

[Mynx]

Same for me, when I'm interrupted I have a attitude that people think  its just "me being me", when really they have no idea. How long do you usually act out your daydreams before you feel bored or fulfilled? Mine on average is 1 and 30 minutes but it can vary depending on if it is new scenario I'm acting out. What about you?

[JJ]

Generally, I don't get headaches or feel tired afterwards..I have though, on occasion, felt wiped out.  Like you though, my dreams are more awake, so to speak, at night.  That's when I do the most MD'ing.  I'd say I feel mostly fulfilled immediately afterwards, unless I'm interrupted..then I'm agitated

[Mynx]

JJ,

I can act my daydreams during the day too, but they seem more alive at night to me. I can focus more. Usually, during the day, I will use pictures to help visualize my daydreams better. Most of my daydreams are situations they are possible(most not all) and can occur, but most likely won't in the way I vision them or the conversations I have, they wont go that way. Do you tend to get headaches, or kind of fatigue after you daydream? This usually tends to happen to be almost every time I daydream. Also, How long do you usually daydream before you feel fulfilled?