My Life Story

[Arc]

Alright, this might be a bit long so bear with me. I'm not usually a big fan of sharing private stuff online but I guess I'll make an exception for once and open up to you guys. I, like many of you here, suffer from MD, I until very recently thought this condition was something unique to me and was pleasantly surprised to discover that there is actually a name for it and a group of people who are the same as me in this regard.

I'm turning 20 soon and I'm European by birth and my childhood wasn't exactly pleasant, my parents were suffering a bit monetary wise, we were by no means poor but things were hard, my parents always tried their best to provide for me and my brothers though. Socially I was always sort of a loner because I'm really shy and socially anxious, I was a verbally bullied through childhood and middle school, people often made fun of me for being the nice and kind kid. I had some friends through primary school but lost most of them in middle school. It was about this time that I started engaging in my fantasy worlds, cartoons, anime and music were usually the inspiration for them.

Grades wise I wasn't really a good student but I managed at least through middle and primary school. When I was about 15 my dad got a job in a country in Africa, and we moved there, this is about the time that things really started going downhill for me. Monetary wise things  improved a lot for me and my family, we got a decent home and my dad was finally relaxed, my dad put us in the international school of the country we moved to.

I always knew I was a bit different than most people, I was always attracted to other guys but I never thought much of it  but it wasn't until I deeply fell in love with some dude at my new school that I realized I was gay.

I guess calling it love is wrong, it was more of an deep infatuation and it was the beginning of my deep depression.

I managed to make a few friends in that school and eventually came out of the closet to them, I would spend most of my breaks alone because my friends would hang out with the rest of my classmates and I felt really uncomfortable around them. I'd usually just spent break dwelling in my own imaginary world or being depressed.

I told my parents I was gay, my mother went into denial and my dad was sort of ok with it.

My depression started going downhill and I started engaging in all sorts of destructive behaviour, suicide thoughts, cutting, I even ran away from home, I just felt so alone and depressed and misunderstood  there was no one like me at my school, the country I was in had no gay bars or anything of sorts, I felt so alone all the time and I was too socially anxious to interact with people. My only escape was my fantasy and still is until this very day.

I ended up getting caught by the police when I ran away from home, it was a huge scandal and everyone knew about it, I saw my dad and mom cry and felt horrible, my classmates would judge me  behind my back and quite frankly I until this day think I deserved it. I ended up going to a psychiatrist who put me on antidepressants but never really went into detail with him about my issues, I just didn't feel comfortable.

Things got a bit better after that, I ended up meeting my best friend and we became rather close and would get into all sorts of trouble together, she's sort of a narcissist though but I honestly adore her and try my best to help her out, she managed to find this website where I met a bunch of gay people, I dated a few people, and had sex with a few guys out of desperation, I think I did it just so I wouldn't feel like such a looser,  I never really did like any of them, but I'm too blame in this regard, my expectations towards finding someone are way too high. I'm much more likely to fall for straight good looking guys, but it's something I can't control. She ended up telling me people in school were telling her to stay away from me because they thought I was crazy and might ended up killing her or something we both laughed at it but deep down I felt shitty, it's not nice to heard that think that about you.

 I was still pretty depressed and ended up failing my high school, luckily for me though my best friend ended up inviting me to go to the Philippines with her and I managed to get into university to do pre-med

For a while things were better, it's not that any of my issues were fixed but I at least had company, I still ended up dwelling in my own fantasy worlds quite a lot but yeah. 

This semester though things have been going downhill again, I'm depressed again, failing school, and feeling extremely insecure, I started taking anti depressants again, I just feel like such a looser all the damn time, I feel so guilty for everything I did, failing high school, I feel horrible every time I see a cute guy on tv or in real life because I know deep down I can never be with them, I feel inferior to people all the time. And the thing is people always tell me that I should fight these thoughts and change my life but I just feel like there's so much I need to change about myself that it's overwealming, I can't change everything about me, I can never be the person I really want to be and I don't know how to lower my expectations. I don't think I'm good looking, outgoing, smart.

 I guess this is why I love my fantasy worlds, because it's my own sanctuary, I can be the hero, I don't have to be such a looser there, I can have friends, be whoever I want to be, but at the same time I long to have a happy real life and I know I can never have the life I wanted

I think I'm a good person, it's the only quality about me I like, I have a deep empathy with people and have very strong emotions, I always help out my friends and I always strive to do the right thing, I'm considering switching to psychology next semester because I really want to help people and I've always been good at listening, giving advice and helping people understand themselves.

And yeah this is my story, sorry for sounding so emo. xD

[Arc]

Yeah I could take like a foundation year, but I'm already 20 and I just feel like I'm already too old for that I guess, I'm gonna have to still study 4 years plus masters or even doctorate. =/ 

:] Hehe, I suppose, thanks for the pointing that out I never thought about that. 

[Gina Black]

Oh, I didn't expect such a communication problem! That is irritating, indeed...I was wondering, what do you study? If you change to psychology, can you improve your general marks and then move for post-graduate at a big city? (you can always move there later, for work, in the worst case. Right? You may be not able to go there right now, but there are ways for later.) 

I'm happy to see you have such a good relationship with your empathy, by the way :) Almost all empaths I've known are burdened by it-so you're lucky at least at this!

[Arc]

@EMF: Thank you for the kind comment, I will definately read through some of the stuff here.

@Gina Black: You'd figure things would change in university, unfortunately my class consists of like a bunch of Indians/Thais/Koreans which is fine but they have their own little group and speak their own language so the only friend I have is my best friend, and I feel I rely on her too much for socialization and she has a boyfriend and stuff and sometimes I feel left out.

I know it's not the end of the world, and you're absolutely right, but it's stuff I kind of feel guilty about and can't really shake that off. I mean, even though I'm in University I don't even have a proper high school degree and that kind of sucks.

As far as empathy goes, I honestly feel comfortable helping out people, it distracts me from my own problems and brings happiness to my life since I feel like I actually have some purpose I guess. I care too much that's true, but it's better to care than like to be stuck in my own little problems and depression.  People's sadness don't overwhelm me they just ignite this deep desire to help them out and I empathize a lot with the stuff their saying, but not to the point where it depresses me.

And yeah, I would love to live in a big city, but I kind of don't have the marks to study on one, which just makes me feel more guilty.

[Gina Black]

I know how you feel. I had the same school life with you, and it sucked. I felt worthless, ugly, useless e.t.c. You've been there too. But in university people were more open-minded, and I weren't bullied anymore, so I started changing. You deserve to have a lot of fun too! And people who will understand you, or at least be at peace with you. You may not believe in yourself-but I cannot see a serious reason for that. Shyness? Sexual choices? Running away? Bad marks? As if that's the end of the world. None of these indicates failure either. Do you know how many geniuses had bad marks and depression and shyness and so on? Just stop trying to please everyone's expectations, that's impossible. Just learn from your mistakes and keep walking. ;)

Also, empathy is something you need to work on. It can drive you crazy, and you may often blame yourself for that other people feel. I've seen a lot of empaths online, and this thing can eat you from the inside if you don't watch out. It took me years to realize that other peoples' feelings aren't my responsibility, just because I can feel them. It is hard to realize it. I do think it could be a very good career choice-but you do need to find a way to not be overwhelmed by other peoples' sadness. Because you are going to hear a LOT of awful things every day, if you get such a job.

I know what you mean by high expectations too, it's a huge problem! But don't fall into despair just yet. It's all about finding someone you can "click" with. It's hard but you are still young enough and have lots of years ahead to search. :) (You could even go live in one of these big cities later, since it may help)