My dark secret

[Ashley]

I've often wondered what was wrong with me, why I was different. I would be lost in my fantasies and snap back to reality, suddenly aware and conscious, wondering if others could see my thoughts. I have never told anyone about my daydreaming problem. I felt too embarrassed and scared of what others might think. Would they think I'm crazy? 

I have always been introverted and quiet, somewhat of a loner. I didn't have an easy time during my school years. I was ostracized with no friends. I was never physically bullied but the emotional trauma I suffered is still scarred into my memory. Home life was no better. I had been raised by a single mother on welfare who suffered from her own mental illnesses. Drug addiction and chaos reigned in our home. 

I started turning to myself during those times. I would stay in my room carried away in my head to some realm where I was beautiful and loved and wanted. I never wanted to leave. I still don't. 

I've tried to keep my MD a secret from everyone but there were some clues. I need a visual representation for my dreams. I found myself looking at pictures online or in books. Others would discover how often I've been looking at the same picture or find me staring at it for too long. In those moments I always feel embarrassed and angry with myself. I found ways to be more secretive about my MD.

I'm glad I found this site. It's very relieving to know I'm not alone with this. Sometimes I wonder if it's a curse or a blessing. I don't want to lose my ability to get lost in my thoughts, not to brag but I do dream up wondrous events and characters. However, it's scary to think that I might be wasting my life away stuck in my own head. 

[Iris]

Hi Ashley, I can very much relate on what you have written. I am an only child who was raised by my bipolar mother after my parents got divorced when I was 9. I always felt, that I have to make my mother happy or care for her instead of her being the one who cares for me. This was also the time when my daydreams started.

Like you I'd rather live in this real world than in my dreamland. This doesn't mean I always want to be with people. I love my family and care about them, but I also enjoy taking bike-tours or hiking by myself.

 

[Ashley]

I agree that being an extrovert is the ideal in America. I've honestly never cared about making a ton of friends and being the center of attention but I do still crave human interaction that doesn't go on inside my head. The gift/cure thing is constantly being pondered on by me. On some level I feel like I could use my "gift" to my advantage but I never get around to it. Instead, I waste hours of my time literally doing nothing besides listening to music and fading away. I don't want to look back and realize that my dreams never led to anything but personal fulfillment, I would find that to be a shame.