MDD out of control trying to problem solve something stupid!

My MDD goes into cycles and I hit a huge one this month - due to a REALLY STUPID question: Doctor Who? I mean, REALLY??? Of all the problems of life I need to solve that particular one shouldn't be a high priority, you think? But it seems like my mind doesn't care - it's a puzzle it just couldn't let go, regardless of sleep deprivation, important life activities, whatever. It really ticked me off, but I couldn't stop until I figured it out. I would lie in bed all night awake, going through each episode, sometimes line by line looking for clues then drag myself up at 4 A.M. to open the shop. That can't be normal or healthy!

But day after day, I'm nearly sleep walking through my life because my brain is thinking stuff like: "The oncoming storm to his enemies....Like fire and burns throughout eternity.....(firestorm?)  a title that holds a secret....the oldest question in the universe hidden in plain sight...Capt Jack rebuilds the institute in the doctors honor...In the old series someone called his theta sigma (nope it was a nickname) John Smith is his alias (nobody uses an their real name for an alias) The doctor is a title...secret in title...firestorm...forest fire...torched wood...anagram Doctor Who...Torchwood. Oh wait that's a Dr Who spinoff series...perfect red herring though...hidden in plain sight..Yep - His real name is Torchwood.

  I have no idea what triggered it, unless it was just my mind trying to avoid thinking about other, more painful stuff - I spent the holidays thinking about my older brother whom I lost recently and I cried so much I felt like I was going to die too. So maybe it was just my brain trying to derail the grief...

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Comment by Pascale on January 23, 2013 at 1:16am

Six month is a short time when feelings have come out of control. Your husband is surly trying to be suportive when he ask you to move on. But he is hust wrong thinking it is something you just have to decide to. Accept your feelings whatever they are. Anger is a normal reaction when something unfair happend. Feelings do not make you to a god or a bad person do not juge them, listen to them. What are they telling you? they are there for a good reason.

Do not try to adress your DD problem now. But use your DD as a window to look at your feelings. You may have feeling you do not allow yourself to feel. Maybe a voice in you telling you will never be happy again in a world your brother is not living inn anymore and an other one giving you a lot of reason to be happy with the live you have. So you just get confused and just want to run away.

Are you angry, sit down and write a list of who you are angry against. I guess you should put youself, God, and your brother on the list. Then take one persone a time and make DD where you tell that person why you are angry. It may helps.

Comment by Sandy D on January 21, 2013 at 3:55pm

I think the anger I'm feeling is either part of the grief or from the inability to fully process the grief. I have talked with my husband about it and he's been understanding for the most part, but he feels I should have moved on from it by now  - six months later.  I can't control WHEN I can process it. I'm too uncomfortable with strangers to speak to a therapist etc.  But maybe I'll speak to my pastor - I haven't been back to church for months  (wonder if he'll recognize me.)  I just feel SO angry all the time unless I'm MDDing -it's a bit like a release value or something, but maybe it just gets in the way of healing - I dunno.

Comment by Pascale on January 21, 2013 at 4:18am

Of course you know what trigger it. I mean feeling a intolable pain when you lost somebody close is completely normal. Have you tried to speak about how you feel with other person in your familly. If you do not think they can help you try a psycholog or a priest (most will listen to you even if you say you are not a beliver). The best think may be a group therapy where you meet other people having the same kind of feeling.

What you need now is somebody that can take your feeling seriouly. You are not stupid nor getting mad. You are just a normal person trying to survive in an unacceptable situation. Pain in the mind can be much worse than pain in the body, as the body can just "shut down" when it is too much. Be patient with youself, you need time to grief.

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