MDD made me look forward to a bright future

[Silver Swan]

Since I was a preteen, I was complacent that I would see a bright future ahead of me. Well MDD prompted me to look forward to exciting things to come, such as seeing guys, traveling and a career that I like doing. My parents brought me up to feel 'special' and treated me to all sorts of trips, day camps, vacations, movies, Broadways and eat-outs. So, I believed that I would grow up having a really wonderful time just the same. Apparently, real life got the better of me and proved me that I was wrong. Many didn't find me interactive and very hard to communicate with in several jobs that I held in my 20's. I was in big need of a relationship, but nobody found me interesting, because I was so timid and they couldn't get a word out of me. Worse yet, they actually noticed that I was a day dreamer, seeing how dazed my eyes were, my random laughs and my inability to listen up. I expected that I'd do much traveling in my 20's likewise, but it never happened. Since leaving high school, I ended up stuck in my hometown for 15 years to this day, jumping from job to job like a football. After getting my B.A. in college, I wound up with a string of 3-12 month contract jobs, because the economy was struggling and jobs were hard to obtain in my specific field. I lived with my parents so much longer than I thought—and way too long.

These days, I honestly have no idea who I am. I realized that I didn't ever grow learning all about myself. Rather, I allowed others to do absolutely 'everything' for me. Since I was not very social, I didn't ever learn who I was around others either. My maladaptive day dreaming took over a real life I could've experienced if I had payed more attention to the actions of people in my surrounding environment. The fact everyone asked Why I didn't catch things just comes to prove it.

To think I was once this narcissistic person who believed I should be treated better, that the world just evolved around my very needs and how I felt about everything. Well, it never has. It's no wonder others reacted so peculiar towards me. So, I ask myself, "how did this enter my head in the first place?" Maybe, it's how well I got treated as a kid. This prompted me to fantasize the life I really wanted to see in my future.

In reality, I so young to realize the hardships it takes to get a better life. Such a free spirit in my teens, I went off to art school to learn how to be a painter and drawer. What didn't hit me is how this will get me 'food and shelter.' At 18 I was very foolish, a mind up in the clouds, my rationalization washed over with impossible idealistic expectations imitated by
my compulsive fantasies. I got carried away and it took over my tactful future plan of action. I explored in a variety of creative courses at my college, but didn't conduct strategies on how to make these 'faculties' practical in my everyday life.

I did manage to earn a degree in graphic design, a very hard field to get into. Still, I didn't get very good roles in any firms and big companies. So instead, I did many mediocre contracts where it was okay to an employer if my work wasn't exactly great design. Eight years later, I realized that graphic design had no call for a promising career in my future. So, now I have to rethink my education all over again.

As for relationships, I really have no clue. People seem to get the same impressions from me every single time I make myself present, that I'm not a happy chick. Well, I can be happy, but not always. I try so hard to stay positive as much as possible.

Well moral is, we all have to learn rough lesson at some point in our lives. Hopefully, this can carry us out to brighter horizons.