Introduction: The "Dream World"

[Blase]

You might want to read my other one first.

Sorry if this is super long. I don't know if I've explained myself very well, but please let me know if I sound like someone dealing with MD or not, I'm still trying to find out if that describes my experiences well.

This is going way back, like starting from 3-4 years old, so its not gonna be necessarily accurate.

When I was a kid, playing always seemed difficult. If I whined to someone, like my sister or my dad, that I was bored, they'd probably just say "go play". I didn't know what that meant. They said to play with my toys, but I didn't really like playing with toys by myself, I wanted to play with someone else. I liked to make up worlds or stories, and it was no fun without any characters. I couldn't play the characters myself since I made the world, the fun part was the interaction, seeing what the other person would do, or maybe more so watching them get to experience something I came up with in my mind.

My dad worked with computers, and my mom worked at nights as a nurse. My dad introduced me to the computer and computer games, and by age 5  I could install a computer game onto windows 95 on my own. I would paint a picture, like a room with a table with items on it, and a door. Then I'd get my mom and say "mom, you're in this room, what do you want to do?" Since she worked the night shift, she'd often be lacking sleep, but it always seemed like an excuse to me. When I could get her to participate, she'd often say, "I dunno, what can I do?" I'd be generous and list some options. When I noticed the pattern of her always choosing the last option, and also her unenthusiastic tone, I called her out, saying "you're just repeating the last thing I said, c'mon, you gotta actually play!" I think she was caught off guard.

I created game after game, all in my imagination. most I only painted the first "screen", since nobody ever played them. but I was still happy, I had found some kind of outlet for my imagination, I made games. they'd have imaginary creatures and worlds that I made up myself, though usually there was always some source of inspiration. I think the very first one I ever made was inspired by the song "She Blinded Me With Science" which I heard on the radio. I think this was when I was still in preschool. on the paint software, I painted a room with sky blue walls, a table with laboratory equipment and vials with different colored liquids.

this hobby of making games faded away pretty quick though I think, playing computer games was my main occupation/distraction/entertainment. but all the games I ever played were mediocre distractions until I was in 3rd grade, when I got Final Fantasy VII for the PC. I think I bought it with Christmas money from my grandma, my mom told me she heard about it from someone at work, maybe some guy's brother played them. the box had the same distinct triangular shape that the Tomb Raider games had, a former favorite of mine.

Final Fantasy VII is a role-playing game. you start off as Cloud Strife, an ex-mercenary hired by an eco-terrorist group to blow up a "Mako reactor" in the city of Midgar. Mako reactors are used by ShinRa company, they extract "Mako energy" to produce electricity. Eight reactors surround the disc shaped city, built and funded entirely by ShinRa, an archetypal megacorp and defacto ruler of the planet. originally a weapons manufacturer, they have their own army with several divisions, including an elite special forces unit of which the lead character was formerly a member. little do most people know that the mako energy which powers their machines and provides them with a comfortable and modern life is the lifeblood of the planet. in this world, all people, plants and animals, maybe even the rocks, are connected to the lifestream that flows in the core of the planet. spirit energy (the same as mako), forms the spirit of a person or any lifeform. when a being dies, this energy returns to the planet, rising up again to provide a new life. with all the mako energy extracted, the planet itself could die. the effects are already seen, where its impossible to grow anything in the soil of midgar. its a city built on a plate, suspended by large support beams. the wealthier and employees of shinra live on top of the plate, where beneath are only slums. the people there live in squalor and poverty, lots of crime and danger. so that sets the scene for how the main characters, the "good guys", start off as eco-terrorists.

so maybe that was too much of a description, but it gives you an idea of how imerssive this world was, with its own politics, metaphysics and environmental and economic themes. I lived and breathed Final Fantasy at that time. I'd try to get all my friends to play it, and try to explain it to them.

also, to step back, since first grade I'd make up games to play on the playground with other kids. mostly it'd be based off of TV shows or video games. it was like I was coordinating imaginative play. Id tell people we're all dinosaurs, and they picked what kind of dinosaur they wanted to be, and then they all just played around as dinosaurs. or on a smaller scale, I played Inspector Gadget for example. I was inspector gadget, alwasy getting into trouble, and I'd tell the others, who played Penny and the dog (forgot his name) whats going on in the story, they'd make up parts too.

when I'd be in class, I don't really remember ever attentively listening to what the teacher was telling us, except maybe when she/he would read a book. I'd be more concerned with other kids' behavior around me, or even more likely, thinking about the computer games I'd been playing at home, or creating a game idea of my own. since I'd have paper at my desk, I'd write ideas down to slowly build up the imaginary basis for a game for my friends to play. most of these games were never completed or played, but some of them were, which my friends usually liked quite a bit, at least I think :P after being introduced to Final Fantasy, I learned the term "role-Playing Game" or "RPG", which seemed like a fitting title for the games I'd been making all along. this RPG creation has been a habit for almost my entire life. anytime I was bored in class, but couldn't play a game, I'd be imagining one and working on creating it, envisioning my friends as the characters, and trying to come up with a storyline they could partake in.

I played more and more Final Fantasy games as well, each with an elaborate storyline which illuminated some themes of the larger world hidden from me, albeit in their own artistic way. in high school I had a social justice class, and at that age I started to see more clearly how themes I first experienced in the video game dream world, like environmental destruction,  economic disparity and the influence of religion tied into the real world. after being an exchange student, I was able to see my country from the outside. instead of seeing only its good qualities, its story of freedom and democracy, I could see how to others it seemed more like an empire. I watched many political documentaries when I was in Turkey and Spain, and a passionate sustainable development professor also got me fired up about a lot of global issues. I was also studying international relations, and could see these realities in my texts and classes as well. the "made in china" label on so many of my toys as a kid took on new meaning when I realized that these plastic toys were made petroleum products, put together by people living in poor conditions, shipped to the states, and then shipped back to another poor country as exported garbage. of course I don't want to oversimplify things, but I was learning so many complex issues that had major effects on people's lives around the world, that existed as an global web of interconnected systems.

when I tried to explain to people back home (or even at my International Uni in Madrid) about my views on the world, what was really going on, and how important it was, they either couldn't understand or didn't want to. maybe I wasn't expressing myself well enough, but I was very concerned and tried very hard, much like trying to get my parents and family to take an interest in my dream worlds as a kid. but now the dream was real, they were the ones living in a dream. I felt (and still often do) that other people live in their own dream, not realizing whats happening behind the scenes. I try to live in "reality" empathizing with issues going on around the globe, and I find it vital that people wake up to this reality, yet when I try to be myself, people make me feel like I'm crazy, like I'm the one living in a dream world.

on the day to day life, I look clumsy, disorganized, forgetful, aloof, but intelligent. perhaps uncommitted, yet passionate. I am interested in just about everything, but the classroom setting, and the narrow views of my professors and teachers gets me bored by the end of the first month, and the rest of the semester I just show up, usually able to pay attention, but sometimes drifting elsewhere. my attention doesn't seem to be a problem though, its more so trying to commit to a "path" in life. I mean, I don't have to have my whole future mapped out, I can take it one step at a time, but the little things, like deadlines and paperwork, don't hold much weight to me, since in my imagination so many more important things and possibilities are going on. I have so many high expectations for what I can become, but I get bored with the routine behavior that it'd probably to gain skills like piano, or break dancing. I want to be free to move as much as my mind does, but I feel a lack of control over my family's cluttered house, and the cluttered house seems to lead me to a cluttered mind. I spent days researching for an essay for my class, but my grandeur ideas for what it could be, my perfectionistic imagination, kept me from getting anything done at all. I don't know if the gifts and problems I've lived with should be called Maladaptive Daydreaming, but its starting to seem right to me. what do you think?

[Lauren M]

It's quite possible. Do you imagine scenarios that captivate you for long periods throughout the day? Any secret role playing, line rehearsing (talking to yourself), imaginary friends, perfectly crafted identities or characters? Have you created any idealized worlds in your mind that you feel an irresistible desire to keep returning to?