I'm glad I'm not alone.

[Sarah Eden]

For the longest time I didn't even know I was daydreaming. Not until the end of high school and into college did I begin to realize that I had two distinct sets of memories, not just a jumble of one. Sure, sometimes I daydreamed and knew it as such, wild fantasies that could not possibly be true, but much of it was far less easy to spot. Now I suspect I had started blending my unfortunate reality with a far more comforting storyline when I was only 6.

I'm stuck trying to unravel my mind to find what truly happened and what was only in my head, but defining a moment as a fake is near impossible. I truly felt those emotions, desired those ideals, worked for those goals, and most importantly loved those people even if it all was just in my mind. They are not fake memories so much as memories of a different facet of myself. That distinction is my saving grace. I did not lie to myself, I was a different self.

Since realizing that not everything in my life is strictly real, I've gotten a bit better at controlling my daydreams. I can now tell when I begin to fantasize, which makes me worry far less and lets me make sure I'm not always there. Instead of fading out whenever I get stressed, tired, or bored I can begin to set limits for myself. I make little rewards out of it; I can let my mind wander if I do the dishes, and write that paper, but not before. Its not always easy though. When my depression kicks in its all I can do to keep myself from getting lost in my mind.

I'm lucky though, for while I'm far too terrified to try to talk to my family and friends about it (more proof that Sarah's just crazy) my husband listens without passing judgement, only asking "how can I help?" He doesn't care if I talk about my dreams as reality, because he understands that by and large it is reality for me. Nor is it some big joke for him, its just another memory of my life like any other.

But more than anything, I'm glad I'm not alone in this.