I feel so spaced out and unsure of myself.

[Chloe]

I've come in a time in my life where everything has come to ahead and im uncertain of were i am heading. Even though, being in the last year of my course, less then two months to go, i've come to realise, which is something my therpist has said, even though i'm MDing more and more, The coping, which i use the coping mechnism is breaking, and it's not like that its breaking because i'm starting to get out of it, in the sense life is becoming more and more difficult.

Everyday is hard, it so difficult to cope with, I wake up every morning with such anxiety, not actaully thinking of anything at all, but i just somehow become so uptight, finding that with the MDing, like everyone here, its easier to live in the "other Reailty" we create then live life. For me, like i'm sure many others, It becomes real, even though it's not, but its our world, and we consider it to be just as important as the real one we live in.

I'm not depressed, i know that much, i've been there before, suffered it for 3yrs, due to terrible events that came into my life. Although now, i've come so far, ive never had a chance to deal with any of the stuff that has affected me. I don't like putting myself under a diagnosis, but i had been by the doctors, they said I have post-truamatic stress disorder. I was kind of shocked. I'm sure there are many who can relate to this.

I'm rambling...not sure what my point was, but i've been feeling very much on edge, like very nervy, and worried, i do have a lot of work on, being a student and all, so it doesnt help much! But I just want to know i'm not alone, and that, people are there, because sometimes i don't think people are.

For example, do ever get the feeling that, you are here, but your not, like your just sort of spaced out, and compeletly just not with the world, for some of us, we are barely! But i feel very much alone at the moment, you can have all these people surround you, but it doesn't stop you from feeling alone.

I do feel lost, I'm not sure who i am anymore, i don't know wether i'm coming or going, days running into eachother with the same bullcrap, feeling trapped, feeling stressed, feeling anxious, panick attacks, crying, feeling as though you should get over yourself, cause you've got everything you could possibly need, but your head is just so messed up, why is it such a big pain in the bum!

Anyway...enough of that!

Been a while since i actaully blogged anything. So here it is! Big woopa!

[Laila]

Hey there Chloe! Well, I'm feeling pretty spaced out myself. I feel oddly surprised when people take notice of me, like a driver waiting for me to cross the street. It's like...I'm definitely there somehow, even if I don't feel it. It's also hard to imagine that I exist in other people's minds when we're not together. How can I be in several places when I hardly feel like I'm in one place? Now I think I'm starting to sound strange. At any rate, this is just a phase we all go into at some point.

I'm also uncertain about my future. Well, I kinda have no choice but to go to graduate school to get a real job in Psychology, but I still don't have letters of recommendation, nor have I taken the GRE exam. I extended my study time to May...gonna try hard this time. My GPA is only a 3.0, so it's gonna be hard to get into a doctorate program. I'm hoping a Masters program will accept me, and I could transition to a doctorate program. But even if I get accepted, I can't imagine moving away and being on my own. It's going to be...so different, let alone the hard work o graduate studies. o_o I gotta remember, baby steps...

Well, I wish good luck to us all! We'll find our path and make it somehow. :3

[greyartist]

"For example, do ever get the feeling that, you are here, but your not, like your just sort of spaced out, and compeletly just not with the world, for some of us, we are barely!"

yes, yes, ... yes. I don't rember what it feels like to be "present". I always feel like I'm acting, playing a part, like "normal person number two" in the movie credits or whatever. Trying to fit in with out anyone noticing that I'm different.

[Chloe]

everything you said in your second part, about this person you met, i have the same thing, my person, who is in my life, in my dream world, is real to me too, and its true you cant take them with you in public. Its trying to find that balance in life with the two worlds. I thought i was too going to suffer in uni myself, but i had always been the time of person to keep going and going, never stopped actually doing anything, so i went into uni head first, trying to i guess think i could cope. Its been so hard, i can tell you that, with few months to go....i just really don't how i'm going to cope after that.

I'm glad someone does understand...sometimes i do feel as though maybe i'm all wrong.