I don't understand

[the Kim I created]

I should be asleep, but I need to tell someone because I need to feel heard.


A few months ago I met someone, and we talked into the early hours of the morning and throughout the day. My daydreams seemed to have almost silenced. They diminished and I had the strength to stop anything that went against reality. I was living, finally. I never allowed myself to create scenarios with real people for fear that they would become real, a bit crazy perhaps, but I still believe it.

When we stopped talking, I felt like I lost control. Everything went downhill and I was under an open manhole. My daydreams came back with great force. I started talking to myself, gesticulating, making expressions, feeling even more than before... Before this "break-up", all this was minor and now it's shaking me up a lot. Strangely.


I don't have the strength to stop the scenes. It's very constant and the worst thing is that I don't want to stop it because, despite everything, I laugh and feel good about what I create, but it's also tormenting me proportionally. It scares me, but it also seems to bring me something good.


I told my psychologist about it and, frankly, it hasn't helped me at all. In fact, I feel it's made it worse because she used the word "Loneliness". One of the reasons, according to her, is because I feel alone. I am alone. And I refused to name any of my feelings with that word. I rejected it. Right now I'm trying to understand my loneliness and accept it, but... it's so complicated.


There are so many layers that I really don't think I want to let go of Kim's hand.


Sorry for the long text, but I really needed to get this off my chest somewhere. Sorry

[Kalliope]

I'd recommend you check some easy how-to websites for social interaction, Eretaia's posts, and generally check out some non-fiction books that strike your fancy that you could read. You gotta get your head out of your mind and try to ground yourself into the present a bit: do some sports, some active reading, do a wellness day.

MD is a coping strategy. A balm, a band-aid. Someday, you'll need to take that off and let the wound heal. Maybe, today is not the day. But if the body is healthy, the wound will heal much easier. Therefore, don't worry about loneliness - so many people are lonely along with you, you couldn't even count them. Sometimes, we need to accept the loneliness, before we battle it. So, do some grounding activities that are possible to do by your lonesome :) even if it's just brewing and enjoying a nice hot beverage for a good while, or doing some push-ups.