I can't even talk on here!!

[Melissa]

So I've asked a few people in chat on here in the past, but no one that's related. I have an extremely hard time talking to people on chat because I start pacing or daydreaming what I'm going to say, and then the convo has moved on. Does anyone else have this problem?

I try to answer blog posts, but then I think about it so long, imagining what I'm going to say that I don't ever actually answer. The times I am able to talk to someone are when it’s one on one. I think it comes from social anxiety that I DD about conversations I actually plan to have. It's not all the time. For a while I had people to talk to, but then I could never just jump in and type fast enough to keep up with a conversation.

I've belonged to an online community for years, and though many others seem to have formed friendships, it's like I’m still in high school watching everyone around me socialize. I try to be involved. I've entered a few contests with the community. My writing was well received, but I've just done one that has turned out to be more about self-promotion than the actual writing. Self-promoting is showing me the lack of connections I've built. I'm wishing that I never entered the contest, but how will I ever know anyone if I'm not actively putting myself out there?

I'm feeling so defeated. I don't have many RL friends. I know due to my social anxieties, but online should be easier. People are online that want to talk to people.

I haven't been on here in a while, but I was thinking maybe someone here would understand.

 

 

 

 

[dream lover]

@melissa.......i feel that too. Everytime i post something or comment usually i have to do it forcefully.......if i take some time to think,i cant post cause i think i wouldnt get a reply,sometimes i dont get a reply and i get dissapointed....but its okay.... There are other people out there who take a little time to think and dont post cause they think they wont get any reply either.this is only online.i hate it in real life....when someone hangs a call before i say goodbye,i feel dissapointed and a bit angry,when i say something in a discussion and i'm ignored,i regret talking....the list is quite long.when i plan to meet someone i usually prepare an imaginary discussion before going(i daydreamed)...when i meet them,i instinctively try to speak everything at once very fast,so no one understands what i say.anyway....i used to do that...now i try not to imagine conversations and expect reply in online blogs(its working soooooo slowly..........i still feel dissapointed when i dont get a reyply).the point is,its okay to feel disapointed, but that doesnt mean you are being ignored.try not to care if you dont get a reply.
N.B-its nice to see that you have a nice husband.wish you 2 have a nice life too. :) :) :)

[Melissa]

@Elizabethmoore Thanks. There are many instances where I do understand that what I say may be read and not responded to and times I expect no response. Sometimes, I put something out there with the purpose of trying to be conversational and that's why I feel so bad when I get no response, or when I attempt to engage other people and am not responded to. Then I feel dumb for even trying and revert back to avoiding social situations. Thanks for pointing out to me that people do notice even though they do not respond because I myself don't respond often, yet I noticed. It makes perfect sense. My husband told me to stop deleting my posts as well, but I'm always so convinced that it needs to go. Or if I delete it, I can do another one, but I can't have two things up I'll be ashamed of. I'll try to remember to keep them up longer and that people do see what I'm saying. Thanks for commenting despite your niggling doubts. :)

[Elizabeth Moore]

I know from experience how difficult it is to stop yourself thinking that everyone's judging you negatively, even if you know it's irrational. My advice, for what it's worth, is to try to wait a bit longer before you check to see if anyone's replied, and also to bear in mind that many more people read and appreciate a blog than comment on it. Indeed, I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say in this comment (and I am right this second having niggling doubts about the helpfulness of it) but I wanted to let you know that people do notice, more often than you think :)

[Melissa]

@ Iris: "But I also know this from real life, how often did this happen to me, that after some hours that I spoke with a person, I know, what I wanted to say, but didn't."  I feel this way all the time. Focusing more on emailing is a good idea. I do have a few people I communicate with in this way and trying to communicate more in this way may help. Thank you.

 

@ Shellybelly: I feel all of this exactly. The community has several different main sites as well as twitter and facebook which I've made accounts seperate from my RL accounts. If I post something and no one answers, I go back and delete my post because I'm so embaressed by it. I look at what other people post and don't understand why people answer them and not me. I do my best to answer other people's, but I still feel invisible. I do realize I'm communicating about 2% the amount of everyone else, so nobody knows me, but that 2% is my 100% effort. It really hurts the most when I go unacknowledged by people I thought I had built a friendship with.  In real life, I have a fear of people being mad at me or of being caught off guard, so I DD all the different scenerios I can come up with. I've figured out that mine is very hormone driven. I'm on birth control pills, and have figured out my anxiety peaks for the 3rd week of the cycle. I was surprised when I noticed I reached that third row last night. I really feel for you. I can't imagine being bullied. I don't think I have any real reason to need to "control" my situation as you say, I just need to. I will check out your post. Thanks for answering mine.

 

@tarso: Social anxiety forums is a really good idea. I've looked into how to cope with anxiety and panic attacks and have looked into MD, but I've never paid much attention to social anxiety by itself. It's kind of a no duh as I feel it is the stem of my problems. Thanks for pointing this out to me.

[taffle]

There are social anxiety forums that you can join. I know they've helped me.

[ShellyBelly]

Wow. I know exactly how you feel. I just did a blog post about this myself. I too plan excessively. In my mind, all of my DD's are things that I actually believe have the possibility of happening and by DDing them, I can prepare for what I'm going to say or do so I don't sound or look stupid. I have a deep, deep seated fear of being shamed and made fun of as I have bullied for my entire life and so DD helps me to "control" my situation or at least think I'm in control. Do you have a fear of shame too?

[Iris]

Hi Melissa, I belong to the pre-computer generation. I also don't chat. When I follow a chat I'm really astounded, how fast people think and write. But I also know this from real life, how often did this happen to me, that after some hours that I spoke with a person, I know, what I wanted to say, but didn't.

Is e-mail-writing an alternative for you? You have friends on this web-site, or you can find people you can relate to and invite them as friends and write to them.