Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

Hi, this is my story, what's yours?

 

Im Jurelle Eve 18. Hails from Cebu Philippines. I think I should be open since we all share a similar gift and do something that scares me. Just like this. Well its where a wild mind could rest right?

 

When I was young I have a lot of friends outside from school usually boys. I was the type of girl who likes to play basketball, riding my bmx with a bunch of boys, and any other rough activities for boys than playing barbie stuff. I really didn't mind what other people may think about me I was a free soul or rather reckless. I didn't have 'friends' at school non at all until I finish grade school. They all rejected me including my teachers. I don't know what happened but I felt that I was not accepted not understood then it made me realize that you have to act according to their standards according on how you should be, by then I was afraid of rejection. I am friendly enough I can approach or start a chat with someone especially someone who is alone cause I just know how it feels not knowing or talking to someone that kind of feeling, the feeling of being an outcast I understood that clearly.

 

I am afraid of rejection, I am afraid that people might know the real me, the real side of me. When I entered high school I still didn't have much friends I was again rejected by my classmates by my homeroom teacher, but during my junior year everything changed. haha yep. I met friends, I was free again junior and senior year was the golden years of my life I was really happy, though at home my dad and I always have a fight  every time we argue I always wished that I would be better of dead it aches me so much seeing my father's eyes piercing trough me seeing rejection in my parent's faces.

 

When I graduated from high school during the day of my graduation ceremony my dad I had a fight I decided I will not go to the ceremony, but my mom manage to persuade me and I also thought that what will my friends think of me if I don't come so I still went with puffy eyes. 

 

College. I already had plans with my friends everything was turning great and running according plan. But my parents forced me to move with them to another city. So I was in college now it was really hard for me being stuck in unfamiliar city, with unfamiliar people, with no friends, a total stranger. 

 

Since I entered college the extrovert me became an introvert I felt really alone and no one was really trying to know me. Rejection again. I began to fantasize as an escape of being misunderstood and being thrown away, my self esteem lowered greatly. I tried making friends but really they just betrayed me then again miss rejection realize that she must not trust people easily that everyone are the same they're all cynical. I detested my classmates. They all thought of me as a LONER a LOSER, it came to a point they were like controlling me on how should I think of my own self. Then one day it just struck me that I should let my reckless and strong-willed nature regain in me. I met a friend a really hard headed friend even though we argue a lot she's real enough she didn't even once betrayed me.

 

So my will to be strong not letting anyone calling me a loser not letting anyone belittle me and being tired with my cynic classmates I shifted to another bachelor course. I prayed to God that this time around I made the right decision of my life that this time I would be happy I would meet new people, adjustment to a new better environment, I will have friends but not totally trusting them. It really then change me I was not afraid on stepping out of my comfort zone but then I also come to a slow-paced every time I see and felt rejection. 

 

My MD is not present every time I am very busy and every time I hang out with my classmates (I don't call them friends because I know they will betray me) though there are instances that I just can't control them but every time I shut my mouth MD strikes again, every weekends I dd a lot like all day long, all night long it depends on what time of the day I woke up heee, and every time I'm tired of reality I just find comfort on my little world. 

 

In my world rejection and hatred is not present. 

In my world I am truly appreciated.

In my world I am treated with importance. 

In my world I can travel the world without a hindrance.

In my world I am treasured. 

In my world I am loved back.

 

I know Its not that of any interest and to you reader I know I just wasted your time, but anyway I'm trying to change my self one stone at a time.

 

 

So what's your story so far?

 

 

:)

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Comment by Jane Wilson on May 23, 2011 at 3:35am

Your reaction to rejection is pretty normal.  It is a good rule to never allow strangers or people who do not love you to determine anything about your life or how you view yourself.  It might take another decade or more but when a family member argues with you even if it doesn't change anything, try to think about where they are coming from and why would they say something like that.  My own mother was hypercritical among other things but she had suffered a great deal in her life and she actually loved me even though her negativity was very destructive.  Parents are people, sometimes very flawed people.  I was so different from my mother , I could have been a changeling.  I think that sort of thing happens in a lot families.  I apologize if this sounds like a lecture, I don't mean it that way, it is just that I have been there. 

Comment by Nomad on May 21, 2011 at 6:13pm

Thanks for your post, Jurelle Eve. I hate it when I take risks in real life and they don't turn out the way I want them to. I sometimes feel like the pain is unbearable. But one thing I've learned about myself is that it's not really the pain that gets to me, it's the fear. For some reason, that realization comforts me because fear seems more illusory than pain.

Anyway, congratulations on making a new friend.

Comment by laurellestarz on May 20, 2011 at 10:54pm

Your story is similar to mine. I didn't have friends growing up, so I withdrew into own world. And if I ever did have them, they were outcasts just like me. Then high school got a little better but when I went off to college I felt so alone. It's hard getting to know people.

 

So I saw a doctor and I was diagnosed with mild Asperger's Syndrome. Then things started to click because, I had never been good at fitting in, I was always a misfit...so I created a world in which:

-I had people who understood me,

- my parents were proud,

-I was an awesome chick who overcame adversity and solved all sorts of problems

Basically I was queen of my world

 

I never did get diagnosed with a learning disability because my grades at school were decent.

Today, the only thing that keeps me from being a straight A student is the stupid fantasies, lol.

No you're not wasting time, it's nice to compare notes.

Comment by Kristen B. Scherzinger on May 20, 2011 at 10:18pm

Hey Jurelle!! Wow what an interesting story you have! When i read this I have this connection from you!. (the word "rejection" was also part of my whole damn life hehe!!) I was very introvert person that I could imagine. I have lots of  friends but they always called me either "silent type person" or "weird one" but I only have one bestfriend that I trust most. He knew everything about me, but I didn't tell him about my MDD (will tell him if I am ready). Sometimes you have to find a trusting friend that could tell everything you want but you must trust them before you do that! And he/she could give you a better advice. My friends betrayed me too, but we still remain friends. My bestfriend like you're such a nice person, even though they betrayed you, you could still call them friends. I don't like people will hate me because we're not friends, that is why I'm making things nice and calm. 

Oh hey!! You're from philippines too..!! wow I am too but I'm a half half. I loved being here!..

This site makes me a better, confident and friendly person... :) Looking forward to chat with you!!

btw a very nice story you have!! ;)

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