G'day

[Paul]

Hi there.
Firstly I would just like to say how absolutely fascinating this all is.
I always expected the way I acted would be comparable to plenty of other people. In this world of 7 billion human experiences, it has always been my belief that this is the case. However, what I was not expecting was the symptoms to be so incredibly similar. It is simply amazing to me. A lot of what I have read after learning of maladaptive daydreaming is scarily close to my thinking. It's almost overwhelming.

At this initial point I want to explore how this has played out over my life.
My earliest memory of imaginative play is from when I was 5. My method of play then was different to that of today (15 years later :| ). I would say it was not as immersive, perhaps at a more standard level of involvement, as what I have been doing recently.
For that matter, what I have been doing recently is basically entering a trance. I hold a pencil or similar object (but importantly one single item for as long as possible, until it is lost or destroyed, other items feel alien) and sink out of reality into a very detailed, very intricate flow of thought. I thought this would be strange to put into words, but I'm actually finding it difficult. It's hard to explain. Regardless, during this flow of thought, it is as if I am in a very lucid, alternate existence. During these times I often explore ideas with immense in-depth dimension, often inventing plausible objects and everything that they can involve. I have found it to be one of the most desirable experiences over the years, and have effectively become addicted. To elaborate, I am restraining myself to this pattern because of the endorphin/hormone release and the ease of which I can obtain it. I am aware of the detrimental effects of this, but it is nearly beyond my control.

Anyway, my development as a person has been quite standard for the western world. I have received a good education which I never applied myself to, ate healthily, exercised regularly etc. however for some reason I developed a distinct and potent dissatisfaction of myself. This carries with me to this day and has truly impeded me in many ways. I find it difficult when placed in an environment with people I don't know, and to a lesser extent with people I do know (including family). I have self image problems as well as anxiety in these situations, I am fully aware how ludicrous these feelings are, however I can't control them. I guess I would liken it to a phobia. I would not classify it as a severe case, but it is there and very unpleasant. My heart will race when considering speaking to a group, and I rarely overcome the desire not to speak at all. I am able to manage if I must, but I avoid it at all costs (which has greatly affected me recently with university study).

A bit over two years ago I had my first illicit drug experience (I'd had alcohol prior). So anyway, I shared a spliff with some people and went to see Toy Story 3. Needless to say this was pretty awesome and I very much enjoyed the less restraining effects of cannabis over alcohol. One of my longest known and best mates I knew was also a fan of this substance and eventually we seshed together (having really small doses mind you, like what I now refer to as one hit would see us both through the night easily). To make a long story short I finished off college (years 11 & 12 in Aus, I'd almost finished at this point) with marks that only just beat what I was aiming for, had never put any effort into much at school, I'm very capable but have never cared enough or felt comfortable enough to express my skills :/
So with my acquired results I entered into a university course that I wasn't 100% sure on. I was planning on becoming a civil engineer. The course required a lot of dedication and discipline that I just couldn't hope to achieve because of procrastination through MD, pointless scouring of the Internet, media and smoking. I experienced a full on panic attack after pulling an all nighter to finish an assignment and having my car break down after travelling literally 10 meters. I ended up denting the side rear panel with a punch and completely losing my shit, going into hysterics and hyperventilating. It was a dark and scary place. As far as I can recall, I'd only experienced something similar once before, where some suppressed feelings came to be after some family issues arose, which ended with a hole in my door :/ but it was much less intense, more so a 'normal' anger outburst, I guess. (I'll just quickly point out that I am a very nonviolent person normally!)
So I calmed down a bit and drove to uni but did not experience a polar switch in emotion, rather I calmed down slowly.
Anyway, engineering wasn't for me. I had the house to myself for exam week and smoked a heap of weed. I didn't even study, just failed. I then went on a holiday to the Gold Coast with the same friend mentioned earlier. This was great fun. It also involved another drug experience, this time K2 (legal bud, most likely JWH-018, a synthetic cannabinoid) this stuff was next level. It was very much like an MD process but incredibly vivid, unimaginable. I could watch perfect reencounters of past memories as if they were video, I used my mind like a computer and could access files, hallucinating a file system and monitor of which to view it all on. It was crazy, and one of the best things I've experienced.

The reason I'm rambling about all of this is for two reasons:
If you suffer MD, be careful with drugs. We have addictive personalities and this is dangerous when using, it will negatively affect you!
The second is a bit more complex. After experiencing the one off K2 trip, I struggled to replicate the euphoria or enjoyment that existed whilst daydreaming. This lack of enjoyment often had me catch myself seconds into the session going "what am I doing, this is stupid!?". It didn't fully stop me, but heavily impaired my ability and desire to continue dreaming.
Since this time I have continued to daydream and have tried a few psychedelics. Namely DMT, LSD and Psilocybin. All of which have had stronger after effects than K2 (in terms of anti-daydreaming). I think there is a lot to be said for these substances, but not by me. Only with science can we be sure. I am not condoning their use for everyone. That needs to be clear. They alter each individual in different ways. Considering how similar aspects of myself are to people who suffer from this, however, I feel it is vital for me to at least bring it up. It hasn't cured me, but I have not tried to be cured. Both important points to note. It has helped me though, which IMO, is more important to note.
I will say that I feel broken, but the roots of the cause don't belong to drugs. Overall I feel stable minded, somewhat intelligent for a human, but I have traits that appear at random that I've always felt. Lately I have been questioning my desire for existence due to the lack of point to reality. This bugs me greatly and can put me in a strange place if I consider it deeply. About two weeks ago I had a very bad experience with UR-144 which basically gave me a full on psychotic episode. This did change me, and has really not helped these traits. So I reiterate to be careful. I will finish by adding that I don't think weed is safe in large quantities, especially if you think you have MD and experience other strange phenomena too.

I don't know if that's worth saying, but I hope it helps someone.

Peace.

P.S.: Due to the nature of the content in this message, if you don't feel it is acceptable information feel free to remove it, I do not intend to offend anyone!

[Paul]

Haha, magic mushrooms grow in my garden, it would be rude not to use that potential from time to time (especially as I only have just discovered this fact in the most recent season). I find with psychedelics one good trip will last me for a month or even more, but I'm growing away from them a bit now. It's all about set and setting, if you want to do hallucinogens make sure you are in a comfortable place with the right atmosphere with all the time you need to enjoy and recover. Otherwise you risk bad trips, and they are the absolute worst.

I don't drink anymore, after trying decent drugs, alcohol just isn't enjoyable for me. Every now and then I will hit the beers, but I can't say I have any desire to in the near future, and haven't for quite some time. And whenever I do I regret it the next morning :P

Quitting weed will be a lot harder for me, but I plan to in the future. Currently though, I'm rocking new glassware with a carbon filter. I'd highly recommend investing in one if you intend to smoke every day.

I'll be sure to check out those blogs sometime, cheers for the input :)

[Darren]

this is great! finally another md who does drugs!!! yeeeee buddyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

smoke weed every day! 

and psychedelics fuck with you man, stay away from that shit, we mders don't need drugs to think about the world deeply 

weed is another thing though, it gives you good insights into the world, like you said small dosages are the best but when your addicted and you take a hit, you feel like taking another, then another, then you get so high you think of the world so deeply and in a way...its great... 

read my blogs, and look up this guy on this site called John K. 

he has some good blogs as well on how to stop md 

just explore this site man, theres lots of stories and maybe eventually you'll learn to control your md 

just stick away from the hard drugs, I can tell you from experience as well, that shit is good but it fucks with your mind too much... i've done shrooms before and the feeling of thinking that there's no point to life is just awful.... 

just stick with weed and liquor and think of md as a drug, because it pretty much is, once you realize this you won't feel the need to fuck with hard drugs 

if you quit weed and liquor...mad props...

[Paul]

Thanks for your input CreativeWriter. I share the relief, I guess I have put off research of this topic for a long time now, in fear of not finding that.
In further thinking I think this has a lot to do with suppression of self. A tendency to live within ones own mind brought on by lack of comfort in the immediate environment. It's such a hard case to deal with because of the desired silence of the sufferer. This needs to be widely known so that people understand problems that aren't apparent on the surface, they need to be aware if all they are witnessing of someone is the surface, and what that could mean. If that makes sense :)