forever dreaming

[Ghost]

hello everyone

 

i have no idea how i found this place but im thankful that i have, everything i read here i can relate to on so many levels, something that ive never had before. im not entirely sure what i want to write so ive decided to just let the words flow and let the dream decide where i will go.  Im not sure anyone will read this, or even want to, but im not sure if that matters really. instead im just going to do it becuase.

 

I am always in a dream that i have never woken up from, twisting merging, and tangling itself with reality. I pace, tap, twitch, fiddle, dig, scratch, walk, bang, and a million and tweleve other repetitive movements constantly, its like a metronome that drags me further and further into the dream. ive been like this for as long as i can remember but i never really understood it. ive always been an outcast, picked on, shunned, rejected, and because of that i kind of hate people. people suck.....alot. they stare, they judge, they look at you with those eyes that tell you every bit of what they are thinking (none of it good). 

 

whenever i look in the mirror i am absolutly startled, i dont recognise myself because the reflection stairing back at me seems like a completly different person. its not how i look at all. my entire identiy is fluid, changing constantly, even gender. and while i say this i still know reality itself, desipe all this i know what is real and what isnt, i know that person looking back IS me, and i remember, and i can tell the difference, but desipite all that it doesnt feel like me one bit, i have been completly consumed by the dream, down to the very core.

 

my dream isnt one of complete fantasy, there are no characters in my world. my dream is the world itself, the people are real, but not, my dream is the same as reality, just a paralell of it. and although i know the difference between the two... i really do wish that i diddnt.

 

i function well enough, well not really. i cant hold down jobs because im either completly gone, confusing things, or just outright in my own little world. growing up ive been called lazy more times than i can count, been told i have selective hearing, selective memory, selective everything.... but i never once selected it. i resent everything and everyone for ever reason and no reason at all.

 

absolutly everything sets me off, its like i cant bear to be in the real world for a single moment, and truth be told i really dont want to. i want nothing more than to disapear into my dreams and have that be my entire exsistance. i dont want to get better, i want to get worse, and i want the whole world to just go away and leave me in peace, becuase it has never done a single good thing for me.

 

im not sure if there is room in a comunity like this for someone like me, truth be told im not even sure what im doing here,  but at the very least ive found one shred of common ground that i can actually relate with, and i dont think ive ever really had that.

 

ill leave it at this i guess, it was interesting to vent a little and maybe i may do it again at some point.

[sky]

none of us have ever really had it hun and im the same as you with the hating people a lot but theres some amazing people on this site who dont judge you and leave really nice comments.. for a lot of us its th first time we've ever felt accepted and like we actually do fit in somewhere. have a read about on the site and leave some comments and soon, like me, you;ll start to feel like what you say actually is being heard by like minded people. everyone is very welcome in this community of ours. good luck

 

take care and speak soon love sky xx

[Ghost]

thank you laurean.

 

re-reading my post in a different mindset is definatly helpful, im going to try to add some more perspective to the rant, not sure if it will work but lets see anyways.

 

when put into a tence social situation (most for me) the same thing always happens. i check out completely. this happens before i can even recognise it and before i get a chance to really get my footing on the situation. ive tryed more things than i can remember to remedy this, and am always trying to figure out ways to prevent myself from drifting off and to find ways to influance a situation after i have drifted off.

 

all of that said, trying to fix it has definatly caused more problems than it has solved. it makes me infinatly more quirky and wierd becuase im always doing something odd to atempt to fix a problem i wont tell anyone about. also when i check out i usually default to some type of idealised personality, unfortuantly its not enough to believe you have skills, if you dont have them then your idealised personalities tend to hit brick walls when faced with things they think they can do but cannot.... this creates even more social tension, compounding every problem to an extreme.

 

as for your question. its not somethign thats easy to answer. on one side i have to say that after spending the majoritiy of my days out of the majority of my years tearing apart and analysing my own actions to extremes  to try to find ways to fix myself, im honestly just warn out, when you spend that much time trying to acomplish one single thing and never have any sucess it really grates on your willpower. after all the things ive been though it really seems less stressful just to let myself drift for a change.

 

on the other side i realise that you cant actually live like that, you need food, shelter, and a job to supply them. i realise the blog post probably sounded a little whiney, and i apologize.

 

the frustration is just starting to make me crack. Ive been beating my head against a brick wall for years, and all Ive accomplished is a concussion. 

 

Unfortuantly wanting to let go and drift forever, is something that i cant do, despite however much i will want to, despite however easy or hard it may be, dispite everything. the worst part is being stuck in between the two, unable to actually cause any positive change despite all efforts, and yet also unable to actually just let go and stop trying.

 

 

 

 

[Laurean]

The world might be just a representation but it is preferable that you learn to deal with it and not stray away from your problems, simply because... there's less stress involved this way.

You complain that the world hasn't done anything for you, well... you shouldn't have expected it in the first place. It really doesn't matter what happens but how you react, ultimately you are what you want to be.

So i must ask you, do you want to be a victim of events, drifting from place to place, with no sense of belonging, no confidence in your abilities, your only comfort being self pity? Or do you want to determine the outcome yourself, live a normal life with all the material comfort associated with it, being able to pursue whatever goals you will later set?

There's always a choice to be made, there's always a way out even if it's the last way out... but since you're already here (in this world), you might as well live it.