Where wild minds come to rest
i have no idea how i found this place but im thankful that i have, everything i read here i can relate to on so many levels, something that ive never had before. im not entirely sure what i want to write so ive decided to just let the words flow and let the dream decide where i will go. Im not sure anyone will read this, or even want to, but im not sure if that matters really. instead im just going to do it becuase.
I am always in a dream that i have never woken up from, twisting merging, and tangling itself with reality. I pace, tap, twitch, fiddle, dig, scratch, walk, bang, and a million and tweleve other repetitive movements constantly, its like a metronome that drags me further and further into the dream. ive been like this for as long as i can remember but i never really understood it. ive always been an outcast, picked on, shunned, rejected, and because of that i kind of hate people. people suck.....alot. they stare, they judge, they look at you with those eyes that tell you every bit of what they are thinking (none of it good).
whenever i look in the mirror i am absolutly startled, i dont recognise myself because the reflection stairing back at me seems like a completly different person. its not how i look at all. my entire identiy is fluid, changing constantly, even gender. and while i say this i still know reality itself, desipe all this i know what is real and what isnt, i know that person looking back IS me, and i remember, and i can tell the difference, but desipite all that it doesnt feel like me one bit, i have been completly consumed by the dream, down to the very core.
my dream isnt one of complete fantasy, there are no characters in my world. my dream is the world itself, the people are real, but not, my dream is the same as reality, just a paralell of it. and although i know the difference between the two... i really do wish that i diddnt.
i function well enough, well not really. i cant hold down jobs because im either completly gone, confusing things, or just outright in my own little world. growing up ive been called lazy more times than i can count, been told i have selective hearing, selective memory, selective everything.... but i never once selected it. i resent everything and everyone for ever reason and no reason at all.
absolutly everything sets me off, its like i cant bear to be in the real world for a single moment, and truth be told i really dont want to. i want nothing more than to disapear into my dreams and have that be my entire exsistance. i dont want to get better, i want to get worse, and i want the whole world to just go away and leave me in peace, becuase it has never done a single good thing for me.
im not sure if there is room in a comunity like this for someone like me, truth be told im not even sure what im doing here, but at the very least ive found one shred of common ground that i can actually relate with, and i dont think ive ever really had that.
ill leave it at this i guess, it was interesting to vent a little and maybe i may do it again at some point.