Do you sometimes feel guilty ?

[Gaël 71]

Hey !

Soo I found out very recently about MDD and my first reaction was like « So it has a name ? » because idk for you, but I noticed that something was clearly wrong in my life when I realised that I didn’t want to be here anymore, like….my daydreamings are just way better than the realty, even if I don’t live in a corrupted or toxic environnement, I even have friends (one actually, but it doesn’t matter).

So I was like « But why ? I have all that I need to be happy, I’m even quite lucky, some people don’t have a life like that ! ». I even started to feel guilty towards my family, because I was happier with the peoples I met while daydreaming than with them. And then, I discovers the MDD, and I finally put a f***ing name on it and understood that I was not alone, there are people who feel the same, who live the same, and damnnnn it feel great to not be alone.

So, just for finishing that way to long post, I’ve just got one question :

Do you feel guilty too towards your family too ? Is there times where you feel torn between the realty and the feelings that it makes you feel and the wanting to daydream no matter what’s happening ?

´cause if it’s the case, well you’re not alone ! Here I am to share your pain, and let’s talk about it if you want ! 

PS : English isn’t my first language, sorry for the mistakes ;P

[Elaine Steele]

A few weeks ago I was so absorbed in a daydream that I failed to go to work. My job includes feeding chickens, so the poor chickens didn’t get breakfast until 5 pm! I felt terrible about it.

But I don’t know to what extent it’s actually my fault. Was it that I could have snapped out of the daydream and gone, but chose not to? Or was it that I couldn’t have snapped out of it, even though I wanted to, because I’m so sick? It’s hard to know. I just try to give myself the benefit of the doubt, as if these things are out of my control, and do my best, as if they are in my control.

[oneira]

I sometimes feel guilty towards my friends - because they are simply not enough. They are great people and I know I can count on them but I don't feel like I can be fully myself around them - that's why I prefer my imaginary lot, perfectly compatible with my needs. This is also why spending time with people doesn't help with my MD - I will always long for something else, and until I actually find a living person that will satisfy both my social cravings and my tendencies to withdraw for a certain period of time, without spamming my phone with calls and messages, the dreaming is the only thing I have.

[Valeria Franco]

Now I don't daydream anymore, but I used to feel guilty towards my boyfriend at that time. I also felt guilty in general because I thought I was lucky and I should have been happy, while I couldn't be happy. I didn't understand that depression was crawling inside me and it was right for me to have desires, to want something different.

[Ruthie]

Salut Gaël71, welcome to the network! Finding out I had MD earlier this year absolutely broke my brain so I hope you find some solace in this group:)

I totally feel the same. When I was little, my life at home was broken and sad. Now in my 20s, I'm lucky as my family relationships have significantly improved but I'm still plagued with daydreams. I too feel guilty when I'd prefer to lie in bed or talk to myself in the mirror for hours, living in my head, than spending quality time with my family. MD gives a sense of control over your life which is seemingly much more exciting than real life, so it is natural to feel guilt or shame when faced with the truth. Please try not to let those powerful feelings destroy you! If you feel MD is too much of a task to face (I do!), instead be proud of the life you have in your reality and in your head! Both places love you very much. 

What I try to do now is once a week, push myself to spend time with my family when I'd much rather daydream. Sometimes I find that, even if the time I spent with my family instead of daydreaming went bad, I find it more rewarding because I am proud of myself that I managed to not give in to the compulsion.

If you don't feel rewarded for not giving in to the compulsion as I suggested above, and it feels more like a punishment, find a way to reward yourself that doesn't involve daydreaming - like a snack or a self-present or something! Good luck on your journey:)