Disconnected and Discontented

[Jaidyn]

I just wanted to put a little of my story out there and sort of introduce myself...

 

There have been times in my life when I believed that my daydreaming was no more harmful than watching television.  Actually at times it wasn't.  I did it when I was bored or nervous about something as a way to relax.  I've never really been able to watch t.v. or movies too much because I don't like the way that my mind gets trapped.  If one is on any where in the room I can't think about anything else and it drives me crazy.  So I just figured that I liked my own stories more than other peoples', nothing wrong with that.  Then as I got older it occurred to me that maybe it's no worse than watching t.v., but it is just as bad, and someone staring at the tube  95% of their waking hours wouldn't be good either.  

 

So there have been times when it is under control and life is sailing along perfectly, but like other addictions the cycle starts to go downhill.  The better times are not as good and the worse times are even worse.  I don't mean to be dramatic, it's just that I have spent every available moment of my life pacing and daydreaming for the past 2 months. I go to work, where I am alone most of the day and DD until I come home and turn on my music and continue.  I live alone and nobody visits me so the opportunity for DD is endless.  I tell myself that I'm going to stop, but I can't make it more than a couple of minutes. The last couple of days have been a little better after finding this site and hearing about maladaptive daydreaming for the first time.  Mostly because I have been shocked into consciousness.  I have scanned the DSM and the internet looking for something that was close to my symptoms since I was in college (I'm 34 now).  I thought maybe OCD or generalized anxiety, but nothing really fit.  I am still in awe every time I read something on here that is exactly what I do and how I feel about it.

 

I have never tried to navigate a site like this and it does make me nervous.  Because it is new to me it feels like chaos.  It is the same reason I have never tried to get help.  I don't really know what to do.  Just go through the phone book and start calling therapists?  And how many receptionists do you have to explain the problem to?  I tried once to ask my primary doctor about it and she just wrote me a prescription  for an anti depressant.  

 

I have seen every weird thing I do on here.  I pace, talk to myself, make facial expressions, laugh, cry and I am disconnected from real life.  I have very few people (2) in my life that I care about and I wouldn't say I had a connection with them, I just want them to be okay and happy.  The only thing that I have not seen on here that I do is the opposite of hoarding.  I can't stand chaos and I also have very few organizational skills.  So I don't have stuff.  My house is mostly empty, with just a couple pieces of furniture, I don't have anything on the walls and I can't stand clutter.  When I get stressed I want to get rid of things, like to lessen my burden or something.  I don't know, it seems weird to me and I'm the one doing it.