One of my friends committed suicide last year. I never posted any of my feelings about it on facebook or myspace because I hate it when people do that; I feel it's degrading to the person and disrespectful to the family. But here, not only am I anonymous, but not one other person on this website knows him. 

I felt so guilty. I was his ex-girlfriend/whatever we were, I don't recall any titles. But I never could say that I was in love with him. I loved him as a friend, but I never was really in love with him. He eventually had another relationship and I was happy for him. After the disastrous end to our "relationship" however, I ceased to communicate with him because I felt extremely guilty for treating him the way I did. I treated him like that because I was scared of him... But I made him feel like it was his fault, not mine. 

I was so ignorant. 

Then, he became depressed. I could see it; we would talk from time to time, I always wanted him to tell me what was wrong, but he wasn't exactly the venting type. 

One morning my mom came to my high school, and told me he had killed himself. I was shocked...then frantic... then hysterical.... sobbing...ect ect ect.  

This year, on the 18th of April, will be the one year anniversary of his death. I've been thinking a lot about him, and I miss him terribly. 

What's worse... I've been daydreaming about him. And he always kills himself in my daydreams. These daydreams are so painful for me, but I can't stop. I need these daydreams. They're the only way I can see him. 

Thank you for letting me get this out. 

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Comment by Jane Wilson on April 9, 2011 at 5:54am
Depression I think is at its worst when you are young, childhood then the teenage years.  Emotions are so strong, as you get older you will be able to control your emotions better but I wonder sometimes if that is always a good thing.  Depression and my daydreaming went hand in hand.  In reality is in the grip of a inner critic and emotions that wanted to kill me.  Fantasty was the only place I could go to be someone else, someone who could be happy.  I had comtemplated sucide and had made an attempt when I was in the third grade, when I was 16 and a couple in my twenties apparently I was not any good at it because I survived.  Things are better for me now even though I still struggle with deppression it is more a dance to avoid the things that are too painful for me to deal with.  Trust me I am 56 and no one knows what I am like on the inside.  Your friend was wrapped up in his own emotional pain, for most teenagers it is a passing stage that they grow out of.  My own son swallowed an entire bottle of asprin after he broke up with his first girl friend, he was 15, I had not a clue.  He survived and he is not that way now although he suffers depression differently that I do.  I am very happy that he lived and I do not think I would have been able to bear it if I had lost him.   When you day dream about your friend , try having a conversation with him.  What did you want to say to him, what did you want to ask him, do you have any idea what he might have said?  It want change anyting but sometimes a wound needs to be opened, to bled so it can heal.
Comment by Creator on April 5, 2011 at 12:32pm

Are you able to control what happens in the daydream? or are you materializing the guilt you feel? I use to play out alternate endings when something like this happened, but then I realized that I had to accept what really happened, and I used my daydreams to say my goodbyes - I'd picture meeting my friend on the spiritual plane, just after they passed. I'd express my feelings about what happened and then I'd let them go. Sometimes if I miss them, I'll daydream about meeting them somewhere between this world and where they are at and just chat. Maybe you just need to tell him what's on your mind, and then let him go.

 

I used to be able to control it, I could do whatever I wanted to in my daydreams. But ever since I started daydreaming about real people, the scenarios of my daydreams began to mirror the scenarios of my real life. I feel... off...and just weird... if I make people act a different way in my daydreams than they do in their real lives. So in every daydream, if he is in it, he has to kill himself. If he doesn't, I'll feel like something's wrong. It's a strange feeling, I can't truly describe it.  

I'd like to try and daydream about that spiritual plane you're talking about, that sounds like a good possible solution. I'll try it, thank you. 

Comment by Heinriech Heisner on April 4, 2011 at 4:29pm
Are you able to control what happens in the daydream? or are you materializing the guilt you feel? I use to play out alternate endings when something like this happened, but then I realized that I had to accept what really happened, and I used my daydreams to say my goodbyes - I'd picture meeting my friend on the spiritual plane, just after they passed. I'd express my feelings about what happened and then I'd let them go. Sometimes if I miss them, I'll daydream about meeting them somewhere between this world and where they are at and just chat. Maybe you just need to tell him what's on your mind, and then let him go.
Comment by Nicole on April 4, 2011 at 11:49am

:( Aww..

 

I daydream a lot about my dog who died almost 2 years ago now, I feel in some way guilty because I couldn't go to the vet with my family when he was put down because I had to go to school. I daydream about him a lot telling him how much I wish he wasn't gone and that I could have been there with him the day he passed.

 

I guess emotions tend to stick with you when you daydream sometimes.

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