Another Wild Brain

[Marionette]

I'm sorry this is so long - I'm treating it like a journal entry. I've never posted to a site before and don't think what I write will be of any help, but just reading posts of others who suffer this has helped me immensely. When I researched this, and learned this MDD was a thing, I hit the roof. I've suffered from this for almost 20 years. Just writing this post right now feels like a gulp of fresh air, so if you're reading - I'm sorry it's long winded and rambling.

I've never stopped and thought about my triggers until reading all the posts on this site. If this site was never created, I never would've even known there was such a thing as "trigger," for this. I'm excited to look into it. I've spent years beating myself up over this disorder - not even knowing anyone else went through this. I spent so much of my non- DD time trying to find the cause of it but in all that time I never thought of what could trigger them because it seems they come out of nowhere and that they last in a continual stream. At least that's how they feel. It's like they never end, or begin, really: they just change their shape. I'm sorry I've just turned this blog post into a journal entry. I'm just excited to get it off my chest, and air it out somewhere without fear of being judged crazy.

My MDD comes with walking sometimes. I have to already be in the thrall of a new DD and in the presence of people for the walking to become a compulsion. If I'm not in a DD (like, if there's actually something pressing and relevant), I do enjoy walking with my normal thoughts and find it peaceful to observe nature. Those are the good walks. But the DD-walking is different. It comes when I need to get away from others so they don't see my facial expressions or talk to me as I DD. With alone time, and no job (as I am now), it's gotten to it's worst. But I've DD'd at work - sometimes bringing the fictional life into the circumstance of my physical movement at work, re-drafting the story to accommodate the environment I'm in. (i.e She's waiting tables, he's just outside...) I dance when I DD (those are the most elaborate fantasies, where I tie in the physical movement to the fantasy somehow), airguitar (that one I get away with easily, I've discovered. "Hey! I'm just an idiot airguitaring! It's how I clear my mind!" No questions asked. But I'll shoehorn the performance of that into my alternate life and character as well, since I have to). I'll DD sitting, in conversation with others, laying down, while watching movies (which is the easiest way to space out in public and DD and no one notices). I look forward to sleep where I can engage in them in complete freedom - they keep me up. I don't want to fall asleep and be taken out of my alternate world and I'll grab it first time I wake up.

I think my triggers for it are the internet. Celebrity crushes (in the last few years, oddly, "I" have left the DD and another woman serves as my proxy in these fantastical pairings. They never resemble me - but a highly idealized version of myself and extremely different from me), celebrity couplings - of past and present. It seems the DD are exacerbated by my internet addiction, the internet may not be the trigger as I suffered from this before I used the internet as much as I do now. I've even researched details on the different careers my alternate characters have and I delete my search history out of shame. When I physically act them out - it's always in the dark and, the older I get, the more enclosed the space needs to be for me to do it. It's like I don't even want to see myself do it anymore. I cover all light sources with towels cause even seeing the silhouette of myself acting out makes me sick.

I've lost months, days and years to this. I write fiction but it has not helped the MDD. Imagining plots and characters for fiction feels completely different than going into my alternate world. It's almost as if the fiction-writing resides on another floor in my head and there's no connection between the two. The euphoria (and sickening euphoria) that comes with the DD is nowhere to be felt when I write fiction. My MDD gets in the way of creating, gets in the way of writing - which is why I'm so desperate for help. I've tried writing out my alternate lives - and all their ups and downs I give them - but it doesn't satisfy at all. Plus, it embarrasses me to even write their names. I'd much rather just lay down and indulge in them, without effort.

Like most here on this site, I had a vivid imagination as a child - it was well supported by my parents, teachers and I never thought anything of it - there were alot of fellow nerdy, creative friends around. When I was 12, it changed a bit to where I idolized a certain female celebrity to the point of dressing like her, and learning everything I could about her, and pretending I was her but again....that's not unusual for an adolescent. It was when I was 16 years old, and I went through an emotional trauma, that I started talking, in the mirror, to the person who hurt me, acting out the scenarios in my head before the mirror and I realized I felt better as I did it and it was compulsive. I expressed myself in (bad) poetry, or talking with friends but I kept this compulsion a secret - it was like discovering the gateway to immediate gratification. Like, a secret weapon. And over the years, I used it for any situation I felt powerless over...then it I used it for the dream life I wanted and thought I'd have one day...then I used it for the dream lives I wanted and was now too late to achieve. I truly believe that it was this destructive habit that prevented me from applying myself proactively in my own life. Why do that, risk failure, when I could just enter my mind and get it right away?

[Marionette]

Hi MatthewR - thanks for your comment, or 2 cents :)

Also, like depression, MDD can inhibit your real creative powers.

Thanks for sharing that bit. I often forget that. 

It is like discovering a new piece of the puzzle with each post and already, just since posting I'm feeling a dynamic change in my current DD (right now, for instance, I'm not).

Thanks for the welcome.